DH often suppresses a laugh when I'm being serious

[Anonin]

Hello,

Maybe I'm overtired and touchy, but tonight I blew a fuse because DH suppressed a laugh when I tried to show him some martial arts movements that I learned as a kid, and not for the first time either. We've been married for more than a decade, and I've never been able to show him the movements in full, because the few times I did, he always laughed and then said that he suddenly thought of something funny which had nothing to do with me.

A few years back I was also very angry, because I was talking about something serious and personal, and he was suppressing a laugh all the way through, and, when I got angry, he said it wasn't me, he just thought of something funny. This happens times and again too, only sometimes I just let it go, but sometimes I was extremely vexed, depending on my mood.

I find this so childish. He made me feel ridiculous and regret confiding something I cherish with him. I believe him when he said that he wasn't making fun of me, but I'm furious that he cannot control himself to behave like a normal person would when others are being earnest. Particularly when I was talking passionately, this would be a moment that he often thought of "something funny". DH doesn't have friends, was bullied at school, and his siblings are all the same.

DH helped a lot with the baby, so I can't say he's a bad spouse, but tonight I feel so resentful that I almost wanted to book a plane ticket for me and my baby to my dad's place and leave him alone for a while.

AIBU? What would you do in my position?

@NewbieSM Plus, I didn't make him watch every time. Last time before this was many years ago. I know he'd snigger. Last night I originally showed it for fun to my baby who is almost 2 in the living room. My baby laughed and it put me in a good mood. DH was there too and kept sniggering, but then said he thought about something else. When I was angry, he also said why I didn't get angry to our son, since he laughed too 😅.

I've written enough, so I wouldn't reply to any more replies. Thanks for the answer.

Aw OP you sounded like a total dafty in your first post.

Lighten up with it, make it fun for your husband and your toddler and I bet they'll join in. Don't take it too seriously, just have fun with it.

OP I sometimes laugh if i feel uncomfortable, it's not because I find it funny and I don't know why I have this tic. Its one I share with my Autistic daughter. I've tried really hard to control it, I feel horrible and kicking myself when I do it. I did it at school the couple of times I got in trouble, its very unhelpful and mortifying, it's not something I chose to do and I wish I could stop.

I thought it was clear from OP posts

so posters are fine with singing Hong Kong Phooey at her. The racism is meant to be all good fun. Nice.

I'd report to @MNHQ but nothing ever happens about racism here anyway so 🤷🏻‍♀️

I dunno why posters are still fine with him laughing at the other stuff but they'll posting about their horrible husbands soon enough I'm sure.

Nope. We didn’t learn the OP’s ethnicity until just now. It wasn’t ‘clear at all’.

You keep referring to 'my baby' - is DH not the father ?

Aww it’s kind of sad how many people find their loved ones being earnest or intense or passionate about things cringe or embarrassing or ridiculous.

Think it says something kind of sad about how disconnected from those emotions so many people actually are.

No sorry if my OH showed me karate moves he learned as a child I would be laughing too…and so would he.

I'd probably try to hide a laugh too. It sounds a bit like when kids try to show off a dance routine or put on a show for their parents in the living room.

If he's laughing when you are trying to have a serious conversation or when you're expressing your frustration or anger at something and you're expecting him to show support, then I would be annoyed if he laughed at that.

Something can be a cherished tradition and treated with a degree of levity. However, if you regularly feel disrespected by him that is not good.

@EmmaEmerald

I thought it was clear from OP posts

so posters are fine with singing Hong Kong Phooey at her. The racism is meant to be all good fun. Nice.

OP has only just declared that she is Chinese. And for a bit of balance here, I'm Scottish but if I whipped out the highland dance moves I remember from when I was a child my husband would also rightly piss himself and we'd have a laugh about it.

Sounds like he's uncomfortable with serious topics. It probably stems from childhood bullying or an abusive parent. Laughing when uncomfortable is what toddlers do. He obviously has not progressed beyond that developmental stage.

I think there's a lot of racism on this thread too, from people picking at the language used to thinking cultural traditions are fair game.

Most Scots are quite proud of being Scottish. Imagine that every time you wanted to talk about aspects of being Scottish, your husband started sniggering.
Or another example, imagine you played the bagpipes to a high standard and had learned from ancestors now deceased. You now want to tell your child about this aspect of your heritage but your husband keeps sniggering.

People are deliberately misunderstanding the OP and that is racist.

But that's exactly what it is? It's there in the very first post! Why can people not understand what they are reading, it's so strange

Sounds like he's uncomfortable with serious topics. It probably stems from childhood bullying or an abusive parent. Laughing when uncomfortable is what toddlers do. He obviously has not progressed beyond that developmental stage.

Here come the armchair MN therapists, right on cue

Yes. I was just going to post something like this.

"Taking ourselves too seriously" is a cultural no-no. At its best, it's a good protection against pretension. At its worst, it's why we ended up with someone as unserious as Boris Johnson as PM.

(And, as others have pointed out, pointing out the earnestness of other cultures or races is a particularly unsavoury trait, if done disrespectfully.)

OP, I hope you are still reading and might reply.

I think you are right - you framed this wrong and unfortunately it's somewhat reproduced what you are getting upset about. As you'll know, a lot of people, with no linked cultural heritage, reckon they can do some martial arts, wiggle their legs around a bit, and look ridiculous- you even see this comical scene reproduced in films.....so I think that's what most people were imagining.

I think your post should probably have read... "my DH laughs at me when I share things that feel sacred or meaningful, including those related to my cultural identity. It really upsets me."

I think the responses would have been very different.

That's not ok. And to me, it sounds like your DH has an issue. If it's consistently your Chinese heritage that he laughs about, perhaps there is some fundamental disrespect there (even if he has shared heritage, some people may want to distance themselves from this). Or, it could be that he has built up an unconscious defense against certain kinds of intimacy- he doesn't even know he's doing it, but he has to disconnect himself and does so by laughing. The other theme I see is that your two examples are around your specialness/skill.,,, does that discomfit him and he feels a need to undermine anything that might contribute build your self esteem... or he can't take the idea of a woman who has skills he doesn't have?

From any angle, I think it's concerning....

@ShoePalaver

Are you Scottish? Most Scottish people have a good dose of self-depreciation about them.

If you bust out the childhood talent show skills all po-faced, expect a few giggles. OP can lighten up and have fun with it. Laugh along instead of trying to win her husband over with continued serious displays of kung-fu. People are more interested in things if they are approached in a lighthearted manner.

Christ, sit me down and insist I watch with straight face and somber respect while you shuffle and jump about the living room? I will piss myself laughing. Have some fun with it, get husband and toddler up to join in, laugh along with them, and everyone will have some fun.

You don't have to panic because OP has revealed she's Chinese. This thread would have the same responses if a Scottish woman said they'd given their husband a display of their childhood highland dancing classes.

My ex used to smirk when i was talking to him about interests/work or anything that was important to me.
He was a complete (and still is) narcissist with a god complex.

This. Hes trying to belittle your interests and achievements. Its to make you feel like a silly little girl.

Oh come on 😂😂😂

If my DH decided to start giving it large in the lounge with some moves his grandad taught him as a child, I'd piss myself

How do you even compliment someone showing you that

It's giving 7 year old performance in the lounge vibes.

Some things are meant to be laughed at.

Some of the ignorance around more authentic martial arts, and the tradition of them being passed orally through generations, is stunning, and yes, I think the mockery definitely has a racist tinge.

The best equivalent I can think of that people might understand is having specific recipes passed on through generations, for example in Italy. When your great gran spent time in the kitchen with your gran, teaching her as a child. then next generation, then next....Even if you only cook one or two of these dishes occasionally, they are a powerful connection to family, and it matters..... especially if your family moved country, and it is a way of staying connected to the authentic traditions of previous generations.

Having people deride this, and say you should learn to cook properly by going down to the local Dominos pizza joint is ridiculous.

Apologies @Anonin I was wrong in my earlier post so I'm sorry for that.

The fact that this also holds ethnic and cultural significance due to your heritage changes things. Your husband laughing at you while you practice is shitty and demeaning. And it's also racist. Just like a lot of the posts on here.

I think your initial post weren't clear and you would have got different responses had we all understood better.

Not all racism is hate and violence, the most insidious kind is the casual "joking" kind where you are made to feel small and stupid. Like a pet.

From another Chinese woman x

I find it hard to be serious when I perceive people to be overly ernest or passionate OP. Expecting your DH to sit and watch your martial art, in the living room is asking for a snigger. You sound very intense and ernest - I suspect that is what makes him chuckle rather than the content of your academic work. I wouldn't drag out my dissertation and expect someone, with no knowledge of my field, to put up with me passionately discussing it. I'd expect them to glaze over very quickly. It sounds like he's trying to pay attention, but it's too much. There's no reason you can't pass on your skills to your DC, just don't try to force it on your DH. In defence of PP your OP did you no favours, and didn't explain the skill level of your DGF and DF. I doubt your DH is deliberately trying to belittle you. Does he suffer from social anxiety?

“The fact that this also holds ethnic and cultural significance due to your heritage changes things”

actually even if you remove this factor

the post says “my husband repeatedly laughs when I tell him about things that are important to me”. Which is awful.

decent people don’t even need the added context. Tbh I pulled it out because someone said “cultural appropriation” which is my biggest eye roll.

I am British btw but a lot of people don’t accept that on account of my skin colour.