DH often suppresses a laugh when I'm being serious

[Anonin]

Hello,

Maybe I'm overtired and touchy, but tonight I blew a fuse because DH suppressed a laugh when I tried to show him some martial arts movements that I learned as a kid, and not for the first time either. We've been married for more than a decade, and I've never been able to show him the movements in full, because the few times I did, he always laughed and then said that he suddenly thought of something funny which had nothing to do with me.

A few years back I was also very angry, because I was talking about something serious and personal, and he was suppressing a laugh all the way through, and, when I got angry, he said it wasn't me, he just thought of something funny. This happens times and again too, only sometimes I just let it go, but sometimes I was extremely vexed, depending on my mood.

I find this so childish. He made me feel ridiculous and regret confiding something I cherish with him. I believe him when he said that he wasn't making fun of me, but I'm furious that he cannot control himself to behave like a normal person would when others are being earnest. Particularly when I was talking passionately, this would be a moment that he often thought of "something funny". DH doesn't have friends, was bullied at school, and his siblings are all the same.

DH helped a lot with the baby, so I can't say he's a bad spouse, but tonight I feel so resentful that I almost wanted to book a plane ticket for me and my baby to my dad's place and leave him alone for a while.

AIBU? What would you do in my position?

Number 1 Super Guy!!

😂

Hmm.

The laughing might be his nasty way to undermine you whenever he feels threatened or uneasy. If he does it when you're talking about your masters or something you're really good at, then that's significant. That's negging. Or it could be a nervous response.

We don't know.

But yes, call him out on it. Say "why are you laughing, stop being so fucking rude?" I would fall out with him about this until he changes his ways. I bet he doesn't snigger at his boss or to his mum.

I think I’d have laughed at the martial arts, unfortunately but he shouldn’t have laughed if you were trying to have a serious conversation.

People so often laugh out of discomfort and awkwardness. I do without meaning to. There’s something so cringe-inducing about earnestness, like watching a non-professional singing or dancing, or a random person on the street being interviewed by a journalist on local news. It’s usually out of embarrassment.

It’s a shame you can’t find a class or gym to go to near you. Maybe practice in a bigger space when he’s out, if that’s what the goal is?

Which bit am I supposed to read? This bit?

I was pretty good and did exhibitions in my school

What does this mean? She jumped about a bit in her primary 7 assembly? Perhaps before the kid breakdancing and the other kid playing chopsticks on the piano.

OP admits she doesn't really know what she's doing and never pursued it further.

I think OP sounds very sweet and earnest but I can understand why her husband is struggling to keep a straight face.

From the way you write op, it feels like these demonstrations probably come with a very earnest reminder about this coming through 3 generations etc.

To be honest most people will find it hard to keep a straight face - it's like an adult version of a kid insisting you sit on the sofa and watch enthralled as they dance around the living room

He sounds like a prat who enjoys mocking you. I can see why he didn't have any friends as a kid.

I agree with this @Anonin

I think unfortunately your OP doesn't communicate the situation well. In my mind's eye, your post conjured up an image similar to the clip posted @MyOodieIsAGoooodie , perhaps because I'm a middle class, English person and I was trying to envisage myself in your position, which would be hilarious and I expect is most people's position reading this thread - hence people are finding it funny!

But reading your further posts, it's clear how meaningful and sacred this is to you - and for good reason.

Delete this thread OP and start again. This is about more than it being a martial arts move - it's about him coming across in a disrespectful way, and actually, given what martial arts is all about, makes it's importance to you even more relevant.

I hope I'm not the only one willng you to perfect this move and pass it on, regardless of your husband's attitude!

It is wrong to take your child and disappear because you are cross with your husband. It sounds like a spiteful punishment. It also sounds controlling

The OP takes themselves far too seriously. We don’t know their ethnic origin, so this could all be cultural appropriation anyway. Third hand martial arts in the living room? Of course the usual suspects have decided that the husband is a monster; I’d love to hear his side of this story.

As much as he shouldn’t laugh when you’re being serious, sometimes , someone says something and are so earnest about it. It’s hard not to be amused. It would seem the subject matter ie your dissertation isn’t something amusing but also we don’t know what you were actually saying and your delivery

and the thing with martial arts, is it is a very impressive skill set, but like everything there is a time and place.

And as a pp said, unfortunately there is a huge potential for comedy if your spouse starts randomly cracking out a bit of kung fu in the living room.

which is nothing against you, your heritage learnings or the art itself. Just it’s the time and place which lends itself to comedy.

T’ai Chi only makes sense if everyone in the room is doing it. I once watched a woman I’d only just met do an impromptu demonstration and I found it a combination of funny and embarrassing.

The serious conversation stuff is NOT on, and a possible sign of lack of respect.

Op I agree maybe repost this. I can’t work out if he is uncomfortable and defaults to laughing or if he is being mean or if he genuinely finds it funny? Him not having had friends isn’t a good sign.

I do know people who practice martial arts daily and have done for years. Others meditate or play computer games to chill out. Surely he knew about this when he met you?

If it’s special to you, you should be able to do it in communal spaces in your home without fear of being laughed at.

I get it op. He’s not taking you seriously is he. Thinks you’re a joke.
Laughing and joking at you is putting you down in a sneaky underhanded way.

You sound accomplished and his ego is probably threatened by that. He likely nurses insecurities from the bullying. Tell him that you find his sniggering and lack of interest in your culture and accomplishments disrespectful, unsupportive.

As an adult he has the agency to examine and change the behaviour that is hurting the person he claims to love. If necessary he needs to pay for 1:1 counselling as he perhaps would benefit from talking about a childhood where he was bullied and had no friends.

I think there’s a difference between occasional it’s too funny situations which make you laugh, you can’t help it but try and control it so you don’t hurt the other person and then being the type of dick that regularly revels in laughing AT people. I don’t like the second group of people.

OP you need to be in a class with others who share your passion.

So, this threads not in your favour, change what's actually happened and gets people 'on your side'?
Op says this happens every few weeks, so she's making him watch her perform every few weeks?

Perhaps he laughs or thinks of something funny when he feels he’s being lectured at? Could that make him feel a bit childlike? Or maybe he feels awkward due to a lack of certain communication skills or being focussed on is giving him some sort of flashback to his childhood where he felt similarly uncomfortable?

Is he insensitive in other ways? Does he laugh when you’re upset or needing help?

Why does he need you to demonstrate your martial arts moves to him unless you are teaching him and are some kind of guru? What reaction do you expect?! Is he meant to bow down to your so called skills? Give you a round of applause? No wonder he's suppressing a laugh you sound ridiculous.

OP is your husband British and are you from a different culture?

I do think we have a strong cultural habit in the UK of not taking ourselves/things in general seriously. You sound very earnest and many Brits find earnestness either cringey/awkward or amusing. And we tend to use humour/laughter to cover awkwardness as well.

Every time? Wouldnt you eventually just accept that’s your wife’s thing?
and the doctoral dissertation behaviour is also crap. I too am wondering if he was bullied because he was just a jerk to everyone. I’d tell him I can do my exercises in the living room, get your shoes you have to leave since you always laugh at me.

Op are you ethnically Chinese? As in, is this marital art an integral part of your culture and heritage? If it is, your husband is being a total prick and quite racist and I don't blame you for being upset.

But I suspect you are not, nor does it sound like you have taken any particular classes or training as an adult. So it seems odd to be so passionate about something and "cherish" it like you say, but not really engage with it as a hobby? Maybe he doesn't take it seriously, because he doesn't think you do either?

By all means continue doing the variations and teach your son if you want to but also loosen up a little, don't take yourself so seriously.

I think I'd be asking myself what I wanted him to do. Do you want him to sit and watch and just be serious? Or give compliments and appraisal whilst you're doing it? I honestly don't know what I'd do in that situation and I think I'd feel quite awkward in his position.

@NewbieSM I am ethnically Chinese growing up in Southeast Asia. I didn't explain eveeything in my posts (too long), but there aren't classes around here that teach these moves. When I was in SEA I did take extra classes, and bc the moves my dad taught me was considered unique, I was often asked to exhibit it at school. But I moved to Europe after high school, and just practiced it myself since.

It's unfortunate I cited the martial arts example, right? I did bc it was the most recent example. Some kind users told me to delete the post, but I'll just let it be, I'm used to be laughed at 😄.

DH always apologised profusely, and he does help a lot around the house and with the baby, but sometimes he just ticked me off.