DH often suppresses a laugh when I'm being serious

[Anonin]

Hello,

Maybe I'm overtired and touchy, but tonight I blew a fuse because DH suppressed a laugh when I tried to show him some martial arts movements that I learned as a kid, and not for the first time either. We've been married for more than a decade, and I've never been able to show him the movements in full, because the few times I did, he always laughed and then said that he suddenly thought of something funny which had nothing to do with me.

A few years back I was also very angry, because I was talking about something serious and personal, and he was suppressing a laugh all the way through, and, when I got angry, he said it wasn't me, he just thought of something funny. This happens times and again too, only sometimes I just let it go, but sometimes I was extremely vexed, depending on my mood.

I find this so childish. He made me feel ridiculous and regret confiding something I cherish with him. I believe him when he said that he wasn't making fun of me, but I'm furious that he cannot control himself to behave like a normal person would when others are being earnest. Particularly when I was talking passionately, this would be a moment that he often thought of "something funny". DH doesn't have friends, was bullied at school, and his siblings are all the same.

DH helped a lot with the baby, so I can't say he's a bad spouse, but tonight I feel so resentful that I almost wanted to book a plane ticket for me and my baby to my dad's place and leave him alone for a while.

AIBU? What would you do in my position?

He might find it funny? Or if not then it's just nervous laughter. Maybe you need to be a little more lighthearted? I always burst out laughing mid way through something seemingly serious, if someone does or says something amusing. Laughter is a good thing. If he is mocking you and being abusive that's another matter but it sounds normal to me.

I think it’s unfortunate you led with the martial arts example. I think I would struggle not to giggle. However him smirking when you are taking about other things, like your doctoral thesis does sound very off.

Does he show interest and admiration of your (non martial arts) interests and achievements at other times? Getting a doctorate is a fabulous achievement and it sounds like a topic that would be of common interest, not something really impenetrable and arcane.

I think it may be a mixture. The martial arts, especially if you're taking it so seriously, may objectively be comical. The dissertation is slightly unusual on the face of it, although if it relates to someone like Berlusconi there could be funny elements. It does sound like he does it a lot though, so laughing inappropriately may be a behaviour that he's had all his life, which explains the difficulty making friends. I think you need to talk to him about it but also try to lighten up.

OMG, this reminds me of my DS prancing around the living room showing me his martial arts moves, very serious and earnest, just cracks me up! I manage to pull myself together enough to tell him 'wow, that's great' but then he cranks it up a notch and I'm back crying with laughter. I can not imagine how I'd react if an adult did that in front of me, I'd probably die laughing.

I'd probably laugh too, I'm sorry. I know it means a lot to you, but it would probably look a bit strange. Sniggering during a conversation though, that isn't respectful, and I would be very unhappy with that

So he laughed at something “a few years ago” and you are still holding it against him? You do like to hold a grudge don’t you OP.

And come on, people doing slow mo martial arts is an objectively funny thing. I can’t blame him for laughing - I would do the same if it was my DH.

Stop taking yourself so seriously and being so unforgiving.

I’d say the laughing in all instances is because he feels uncomfortable.
Honestly I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if a partner suddenly started showing me cherished Marshall arts moves from their childhood. I’m also guessing that if he didn’t even know about your secret Marshall art history then you’re not used to sharing intimate stuff with each other and him just being uncomfortable with it.
I’m just imagining you dropping these huge earnest discussions on him out of nowhere, maybe try easing him into it gently to give him a chance to change gear.

There is no planet on which I could watch my DH do martial arts moves and not initially smile at it.

Sorry OP, you need to relax a bit and accept it’s like someone trying an accent or something. It just takes a minute to adapt. But also the fact you’re showing them to him is just a funny/awkward situation.

I’m sure he doesn’t mean to be unkind.

I laugh at anything im one of them that finds the funny in everything.
I really dont click with being grownup and serious.

The martial arts moves probably were a bit amusing, but it's bit pathetic that he keeps claiming to have just thought of something funny rather than admit he is laughing at you.

So because he's not gasping in awe at ops performances he's a person who deserved to be bullied as a child?

I think he sounds horrible. I know that sarcastic suppressed laugh thing, a relative does it, it is like yawning when someone is talking, rude and dismissive.

He doesn't seem very loving at all.

As a rule of thumb, it’s not funny if only one of you is laughing. The fact this seems to be what your chap does any time you try and share something important with him sounds really tiresome. I can see why you’d feel as you do. ‘I thought of something funny’ adds to the insult - it sounds like a weak excuse for laughing for one thing, it says ‘I’m not interested’ and it’s just quite immature. People laugh in these situations for various reasons: awkwardness (they aren’t comfortable with serious conversations), avoiding their own feelings or as a way of putting others in their place. Full disclosure: I had ex-boyfriend who did this! How would he react to you explaining that when he laughs at things you value, you feel hurt and devalued?

Here is a thought. A person who was bullied as a child might uncontrollably laugh in an emotionally loaded situation as a defense mechanism? Being bullied or abused in any way can re-wire a child’s mind to laugh inappropriately even into adulthood whenever they feel a bit anxious.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/inappropriate-laughter#definition

@Craftycorvid He would apologise, I'd say fine, and he'd do it again after a few weeks.

The fact he is suppressing laughter means he is trying to control it, but can’t.

Drop kick him in the nuts every time he sniggers

Some people are awful like that OP and can’t seem to help themselves. Maybe he feels uncomfortable in personal discussions where you are being quite vulnerable or open and this is how he reacts? Maybe give him a free pass on the martial arts thing though because, well, c’mon. Sorry but I’m laughing even at the thought - though I’m sure you’re very good!

@LightDrizzle He said he was proud when my diss. was published by Cambridge UP, but he seems to space out a lot and just said it bc he had too, or bc social norms dictate it, then forgot about it and never opened a page or asked what it's about.

I think a lot of pp are being racist. This is a major part of ops family history with a cultural tradition. Martial arts are akin to religion with meditative and spiritual aspects and people are taking the piss.

I'd love to see what you learned OP.

I know there's a type who laugh at inappropriate moments, but it must be hard being married to one.

You know the expression "don't cast your pearls before swine"? Sadly, I'd keep that in mind here. Also, pp saying something about "fake heritage" - WTAF.

Why on earth was @DerekFaker comment deleted? It was spot on!

The reason I often laugh ‘inappropriately’ is because I feel that people are often just acting when they do an ‘interested’ or ‘concerned’ face. As an autistic I often find this ridiculous and I’ll laugh.

Having said that, the OP sounds more autistic than her DH. Some of us don’t have much of a sense of humour!

Right, so the OP talks about something serious and personal, and he suppresses a laugh all the way through, this happens time and again, therefore she is autistic?