Met up with a male friend

[Saltandvinegarcrispss]

Met up with a male friend/colleague yesterday at his house. He is single, I am not. We are just friends and although my DH has never met him, he's seen our conversations and knows nothing is going on between us. Says he trusts me 100%.

He's unhappy that I went to my friend's house, alone, rather than a public place, like a cafe. 'I trust you but I don't trust him' is the line he used. He gave me a really hard time about it like I'd done something really wrong. If you trust me that much then really it doesn't matter how much you trust him, surely? Because if he tried anything (he won't!) Then I'd just leave and never put myself in that kind of situation again.

I've tried to put myself in his shoes and thought what if he went to a female friend's house and honestly? I trust him so I don't think it would bother me. He meets up with female friends regularly at pubs (but then he only ever meets his male friends at pubs too so for him that's just the norm, whereas I meet all my friends in their homes or mines usually!)

AIBU? Should I only ever meet this friend in public, just because he's a man?

I was about to agree with your husband and say something about not putting yourself into potentially awkward situations, then I remembered both of my husbands best friends are women and he sees them alone at their houses. So maybe I don’t agree after all.

if it was a new friend I would agree, but long standing friends are different I think.

My husband doesn't get to dictate where I go, and that includes a friends house even if they are male. I'd have a huge issue if my husband thought he had a say and even more of an issue with the ''I trust you but not him'' line.

I still have lots of male friends, but I have a lot more boundaries than I used to. I don't think there's anything wrong with people having different boundaries for their friendships. I also have the same stricter boundaries for my lesbian friends

People can have whatever boundaries they want for their own friendships - I don't think anyone is disputing that?

Xh used to be like this, ‘I don’t trust other men’.

He’s intimidated, he plays it cool by saying he trusts you but he doesn’t.

I’m sorry that happened to you and I can see why it’s colouring your view, but none of my male friends have ever tried to come onto me, so my opinions are no doubt informed by my personal experiences too.

@TedMullins

Neither of us is curtailing our behaviour

Trust is built by behaviour, if there are no trust/ jealousy issues then both parties have worked at this to not cause any

No, you’re not getting it. We didn’t have to work at anything, we just trust each other because we’re compatible in our values and beliefs. That’s why the relationship evolved and why it works - it wouldn’t have lasted if we were incompatible in areas that meant one or both of us had to modify ourselves. That’s no way to live.

Hmmm

Unsure

Back when I was working most of my colleagues were male and thus most of my friends were male, I used to often go to male friends houses and DH thought nothingnof it

But then within one year two of them groped me assuming I was up for an affair 🤢

So now I don’t bother being friends with guys at all 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable I think you’re a bit naive and he’s a bit cynical

Sleeping doesn't have anything do with sex, you inserted that bit in... why? Only your mind jumped there.

Nah, you're the one that brought up falling asleep at someone's house.

Sleeping doesn't have anything to do with sex.
Neither does being alone in a house with someone of the opposite sex.

Sorry, posting again but have realised the other think that is bananas and unreasonable about this is the assumption than anyone who is single is gagging to jump on a member of the opposite sex.

I mean, I’m sure you’re gorgeous OP but I’m also sure he’d manage to make his move at work/in a bar/giving you a lift/whatever if those were his intentions!

Its just offensive.

but I guess nothing will convince posters who genuinely don’t believe members of the opposite sex can be friends - I’m sad for them, I have good friendships with men and value them, including a friend of more than 20 years who I frequently see alone but it’s also been joyous for me, my partner and family to also become good friends with his wife and children.

I find it very sad that people lead such small and paranoid lives.

@TedMullins

So you fully trusted your partner from the first day you met him / her?

Exactly! Does he think you're so weak and stupid to say no, even if this man made a move? I'd hate someone dictating who I was allowed to see and where I could go. Fuck that. Either you trust me or you don't.

Not something I would do or want my husband to do.

Again, the pony was sharing a bed. Would people be ok with that.

People said they never fall asleep at a friends house. Hence the topic of falling asleep.

Nobody but you thought of sexual assault. At any point. Just you.

Yeah but a lot of women have experiences like mine with male friends. So you can understand why they have a different view (and I used to have the same view as you when I was in my 20s).

I think it's something like 90% of women have been sexually assaulted by a man they know.

As my husband put it - he doesn’t want her to think it’s ok to come over and talk to him when I’m not there or try and get close to him when I’m out of sight. It’s out of respect too like. I’d be extremely shocked if he cheated, never say never but would be very shocked. Doesn’t mean I, or he for that matter, likes when women are flirty etc. it’s just bad manners.

I'm firmly of the opinion that if someone is going to cheat, they'll cheat. Whether they meet up with that person in public or at home, I don't see the difference.
In fact I have had far more advances made to me in public than private.
I do think perhaps him meeting this friend could help him feel a bit more at ease.

Do you have any evidence that this woman even fancies your husband beyond “she spoke to him when you’re not there?” Maybe she was just…I dunno, talking to him? Like a normal person making conversation? You and your husband sound deranged to be quite honest.

She’s told her friend who is my SIL over and over that she thinks, quote, ‘he’s exceptionally sexy and she’d give him one’ she was tipsy when she said it. Her words not mine.

I’ve also had bad experiences with men. But the men I’m friends with, I’m friends with because I like and trust them, and unless they give me reason not to, I’ll continue to like and trust and want to spend time with them, and I’d expect my partner to accept that.

theres a pony involved now?!

i love the assumptions on MN 😂 aye I just think every woman fancies my DH. no she’s admitted it and does this every time we’re in her company. She’s even said to my face before she wishes her DP looked and acted like my DH! She also at a weeding last year when we were chatting about the decent looking wedding singer goes ‘I think you’re far better looking DH’ and touched his stomach area. But aye I’m deranged.

I didn’t know him the first time we met. But as I got to know him over a few months there was nothing about him that made me feel distrustful. So by the point that we decided to be in a relationship, I fully trusted him, and had never felt like I actively didn’t trust him. That doesn’t mean I think he’s incapable of cheating or betraying my trust - anyone and everyone is capable of that - but I choose to trust him and he’s never given me a reason not to.

If he had behaved in a way in early dating that made me distrustful, I wouldn’t have carried on dating him, because what would be the point if he didn’t meet my standards?

I wouldn't have a problem with his an your DH's behaviour would annoy me.

If people are going to cheat, they'll cheat. Keep them on a tight leash or abiding by all sorts of rules, won't make a difference, they'll find a way.

If my DP stopped trusting me, then he can go elsewhere.

If you trust your husband 100% then why does it matter? So what if this woman sat next to him, what did you think would happen? Would her proximity have zapped all of your husbands ability to stay faithful?