To not want to lose my only friend over my beliefs

[SilverBranchGoldenPears]

I will keep this very short.
I have one friend where I live- relatively new. I’m far from home. No others on the horizon- I know I need to find more but it’s a struggle. I’m GC and I know when they find out they will not speak to me again. I will not and cannot lie about my feelings on this. Currently she is trying to probe. I feel very sad about it as I don’t care what she thinks, I just want to be her friend. I think people can have different beliefs and get on.
How do I go about it? Should I start the conversation now and accept the consequences?
Should I avoid it as long as I can? and if so how?

I‘m not sure what exactly I’m asking but I am just sad about it. Has anyone else been in this situation? Thanks!

AIBU - don’t be sad
YANBU - it is sad and it’s ok to be sad

@Flickersy my comment was (hopefully) obviously in jest. I would not seriously suggest the OP to say this.

It is sad but it’s a shame that this seems
to be one issue where people can’t accept others having different views.

This is exactly what's wrong with the world. People labelling any sort of debate around a subject as 'phobic'

Not agreeing with the current way with how society and public services are managing gender dysphoria doesn't mean that someone is transphobic or even that they don't care deeply about people with gender dysphoria. Let's just shut down any debate though and label it as 'phobic'. Let's shut down any medical research. Let's not question how these issues are approached in schools and public places. Let's not question how it impacts everyone else in society. That's really going to help isn't it???

Not coming back op?

Just change the subject and agree to disagree

I don’t think you understand it at all.

I’d be curious as to why she’s trying to probe into your views.

I don’t recall anyone asking me outright or overtly trying to find out my views, if it’s something I’ve spoken to someone about it’s always come up in general conversation. Maybe they’re so subtle I just haven’t got onto it.

Fwiw I’ve yet to speak to anyone, man or woman, that believes TWAW.

I think I’d just keep it really vague. Oh I haven’t really thought about it, would you like a cup of tea kind of thing. I mean some of us really don’t think about it much so it’s a realistic option I’d have thought. Assuming you don’t want to get into debates with your friend about it.

In my experience it's perfectly possible to be friends with people with different views, it just depends on how intransigent they are if the subject comes up. It's when you can't discuss an issue that it becomes especially problematic. Beliefs I find a bit more difficult to negotiate, because they are beliefs not reason.

If by GC you meant 'I believe sex and gender are different, and I don't personally feel attachment to gender', I would agree.

If by GC you meant 'I believe sex and gender are different. I use these views as excuse to label trans people as dangerous, and I refuse to respect trans people's rights or address them how they wish ', then I'd have to step back from the friendship.

It can't come as a surprise to you that if you hold controversial views, that people will disagree with you.

I hate this faux concern and request for links on this site, especially on this topic. You're essentially asking @Seasmoke7 to go trawling through a section of the site she doesn't enjoy (I'm guessing) looking for views she finds abhorrent. Then when she chooses not to spend her Saturday afternoon on a data gathering exercise on an unpleasant topic, there's the triumphant "see, they can't prove it!".

Everyone sees through it, it's such a tired old trope at this point.

@fedupandstuck thank you. Can I ask, I always associate GC specifically with trans issues. Does it go beyond that? Does it include social construct, patriarchy/matriarchy, misogyny etc?

On the contrary, I'd struggle to be friends with someone who held entrenched bigoted views about any minority group. I think many people would have reservations about being friends with a homophobe or a racist, for example, or someone who was very anti-immigration or thought all people on benefits were layabouts and scroungers.

It’s not a topic I have ever discussed with friends but bar extremist neonazi hate-based opinion, I wouldn’t exclude a friend for having a different sociopolitical viewpoint to mine.

There must be tons of examples at their finger tips.

The labelled anyone GC in that way and said it’s all over the FWR boards. It will take a few seconds.

Personally, if I make nasty accusations that are completely incorrect, aimed at a group of people I would expect to back it up.

Of course, because it's feminism at its core - feminism is about all those things. An awareness of the binary nature of sex is part of understanding the dynamic of this things.

People either unknowingly or deliberately use "gender critical" to mean "anti-trans" or "sex realist" and ignore the crucial feminist aspect.

It is not a faux concern. If it is there, it shouldn't be. The fact they would HAVE to trawl though should be an indication that those views are not prominent and that they are making false assumptions.

The FWR is heavily monitored.

Also it is Sunday today.

I've found the subject does come up with friends, acquaintances and family, even though I avoid it in certain circles.

I can take TWAW people who are of the 'be kind' and haven't really thought about it type to a certain extent, but when they move into JKR is a bigot or males should be allowed in women's sports territory then that's too much of a chasm to bridge.

If she’s a normal sane individual then she’ll agree to disagree, however if she’s a frothing TRA fully indoctrinated into the cult then she may well try to doxx you/ make your life hell to make her penance.

Surely we all have "dealbreakers" in a friendship?

I mean, I've seen on here people even saying they couldn't be friends with people who voted for Brexit! Not a dealbreaker to me personally, as literally couldn't give a shit, and it's not something that would ever come up in the conversations I have.

But we're all different and surely there are things we'd all individually find abhorrent? For some it might be Brexit, but others it might be homophobia, racism, misogyny, or any number of different opinions if it's something you strongly enough about.

If anyone tries to discuss with me I just grey rock with something along the lines of "I hope a solution can be found that as a minimum respects all views/fairness/safety/privacy" and change the subject.

My sister is one of those people who goes woke regardless of the issue, any personal thought or understanding of the other side and it is such hard work sometimes so best not to discuss as she just considers me anything-phobic which is quite insulting. We don't speak often.

I think you should just be honest and tell her what you think. I agree that you can still be friends with someone who doesn’t share your beliefs if you like each other. She may not feel the same and fall out with you but your beliefs and opinions are just as valid as hers. She is the lesser person if she lets that end a friendship

The trouble is that it literally isn't possible for people to change their DNA.

It isn't something you can discuss.

Talk about it - it's a good measure of friendship - I have one good friend who's child identifies as non binary. Firstly I totally respect the child's wishes to be they/them and never deliberately be hurtful but my friend knows I feel NB is a daft thing - that you can be male/female and just not conform to gender stereotypes without needing a label - she respects me I respect her - we just disagree.

My oldest friend (coming up for 38 years) also disagrees with anything GC - we grew up feminist together, worked at Rape Crisis together - but recently we did get into a heated debate about what tans women can 'teach' women about women's lived experiences! Again we just disagree and it's okay - she knows me well enough to KNOW I am not some right wing, bigoted transphobe' and we just don't discuss it much - we talk about other politics, cats and gardening!