To not want to lose my only friend over my beliefs

[SilverBranchGoldenPears]

I will keep this very short.
I have one friend where I live- relatively new. I’m far from home. No others on the horizon- I know I need to find more but it’s a struggle. I’m GC and I know when they find out they will not speak to me again. I will not and cannot lie about my feelings on this. Currently she is trying to probe. I feel very sad about it as I don’t care what she thinks, I just want to be her friend. I think people can have different beliefs and get on.
How do I go about it? Should I start the conversation now and accept the consequences?
Should I avoid it as long as I can? and if so how?

I‘m not sure what exactly I’m asking but I am just sad about it. Has anyone else been in this situation? Thanks!

AIBU - don’t be sad
YANBU - it is sad and it’s ok to be sad

I know you are also on other threads about how wrong being gender critical is and how totalitarian, but just for other readers, this person is extremely biased and will not debate in the slightest why it is ok for men to participate in womens sports or why women should not have any right to single sex services and sports. All they do is claim anyone who disagrees with mixed sex prisons is right-wing as right-wing people agree prisons should not be mixed sex. So maybe take what this person says with a slight pinch of salt.

For OP, why would this person be probing? Are you sure they are anti womens rights or maybe they are testing the waters before daring to open the discussion? It is amazing though, how polarised the discussion has become on the legal framework around being female as opposed to being feminine.

Hmm well I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with her to be honest - depending on how far along that ideology her belief was. If it's something she's just not really thought about much, then fair enough, I could probably be friends on a superficial level.

I have close friends from many different backgrounds, with different religious beliefs, different political beliefs and different ideas on many other topics such as parenting, government policy, education, climate change, even the shape of the earth. But I couldn't be friends with either a racist or someone who was anti-feminism. We all have our own "line in the sand" and if that's either of yours, then unfortunately, you may well be incompatible.

Just choose to not participate, surely?
There’s no need to get involved and discuss your views if you don’t want to.

Just say I’d rather not discuss my beliefs and leave it at that.

Same advice to the OP - I don’t see why this is an issue tbh

Why do people care so much about how other people want to identify themselves? How does it affect their lives? Live and let live!

Sex is your DNA (X & Y chromosomes) however gender is how you identify, it's that simple..

Same advice to the OP - I don’t see why this is an issue tbh

It's an important feminist issue to many women.

This is such an ironic comment re. cults when part of the cult ideology is denying reality. Which is the total opposite to GC belief.

The thing is though @Deathbyfluffy if, in a group of six, five are being vocally TWAW, and one says “I would rather not discuss my beliefs”, then that one person has made their position clear without saying anything and will feel othered, oppositional in a situation which should be connective and fun. Very difficult.

But some people believe that it is possible for us to change sex, literally.

I only discuss that kind of thing with people who I know feel the same. Otherwise it becomes a toxic debate and I never look at them the same way again. Same with politics and religion. If you want this woman as a friend, say nothing.

It’s an interesting topic. If you are happy to be friends despite the difference in belief then I think just say that. The ball is then in her court.

But I just want to add that I think it’s absolutely okay to have a boundary around a belief. You (or anyone) do not have to accept intimacy and connection with someone whose views you find abhorrent. Values are highly personal and very important. That’s not to say we all shouldn’t strive to be respectful in how we engage with others,
but nobody has a duty to let someone past emotional walls, and I think in some cases a strong difference in values can equate to trustworthiness for some people.

Maybe try talking about something more interesting

I think it all depends on why it’s an important thing for your friend. If, for example, she had a trans child, I could see why she wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who is transphobic. Otherwise I can’t see why differences in opinion would end a friendship. I’d look to expand your friendship circle though.

Being GC doesn't equate to being transphobic.

If you hold views that some people find unpleasant (which basically everyone does), then you have to accept that they might not want to be friends with you. People’s views on race, gender, religion, politics, sexuality etc are always going to be subjects that reflect an individual’s personal values and it is normal to feel differently about someone when you find out they have a fundamentally different notion of right and wrong. Plenty of people lose friends for being trans-inclusive, so plenty of people are also going to lose friends for holding the opposite view. That’s normal. Regardless of what the dividing issue happens to be - gender, Brexit, fox-hunting, Israel-Palestine, whatever - for some people there will always be a deal-breaker. And for some people it’s going to feel a lot more personal. If your friend, for example, is supporting a trans family member, she’s perfectly within her rights not to want to hang out with people who hold certain views about people like their loved one.

Whatever view we hold on anything, we have to suck it up and accept the consequences of it. You’re absolutely entitled to hold GC views and of course there are plenty of people who agree with you, so just be an adult and accept that you can’t depend on one person to be your one friend forever. It’s not your friend’s fault that you don’t have other friends. You need to form new friendships.

@AllstarFacilier
I am GC.
I am NOT transphobic. HTH

@SilverBranchGoldenPears you are only going to know when the conversation eventually happens.
If your friend sees your opposing view as friendship ending then that's her right.
You also have that option.
Sorry to hear you're finding meeting people difficult. I know how that feels. 🌺

In your position, as you are far from home and don't have a wide network as yet, I would just avoid the topic and brush over it if she tries to bring it up. There is a whole world of other things you can talk about. I have been the person living far away with few social contacts and I found that the people I became friends with first, haven't been the people I have been friends with long term. They were often friends because of being in that situation, not because we were brilliantly compatible. So I wouldn't worry about this one long term. Just enjoy the company here and now, and try to put yourself out there so that you will meet more people.

I'm in a very similar boat. A friend of mine is non binary. We were friends for many years before they came out as NB. I am GC but keep this to myself. I try to be a good friend and use they/them pronouns as they have asked. They are very TWAW and believe they also come under the trans umbrella.

I keep my view to myself as I don't want to lose a friendship over 15 years. If I was asked directly I would try to change the conversation if I'm honest.

Sorry I don't have any good advice but wanted you to know you aren't the only one with this issue.

Surely the only way forward is to seek to find common ground with people who think differently to us?

I have close friends on both sides of this particular argument. My beliefs about gender theory don’t define every facet of my being.

If being ‘GC’ is the defining feature of your personality + you don’t want to think or talk about anything else then maybe you need to be upfront about this.

otherwise a quick ‘I don’t want to upset anyone or be unkind - but I generally believe in a gender binary model + it’s not something I’m very interested in protracted debates about’

it only needs to be a big issue if you or they chose to make it one

If you are that worried about it I would agree to disagree and put the subject in the deep freeze, it shouldn’t be able to ruin a good friendship. I’m pretty fortunate to be honest because if this subject ever does come up I don’t know anyone who believes TWAW or who would judge me for understanding scientific fact.

I can see it is likely to be a hard one if she is probing. It would be easier if she wasn't. Then it could be something not discussed amongst ye.

For what it's worth, I am a bit of both (which isn't the norm). I am pro trans people living their authentic lives and using the spaces they feel most comfortable in. However I also believe that true trans women will completely understand why for some AFAB women they feel the need for spaces that are truly theirs, and would understand the need for comfort of these women also. They have suffered for who they are so they don't want someone else to suffer for who they are.

I also feel a lot of work is needed in the field of sports to make it fair and inclusive for all. I dont know myself what form that should take, but it is not fair or inclusive at the moment. Neither for trans competitors or competitors born women.

I agree best not discussed. Just say "I don't believe it is possible for humans to change sex" and change the subject. For both of you, having a friendship will always matter more and when the time is right, if she is curious about how you reached the opinions you have, she can reach out and will be peaked .

Well that's not physically possible, you cannot change your DNA.

I think people can have different beliefs and still get on, but I'd struggle to be friends with someone GC because I've seen how nasty and dehumanising their beliefs towards trans people can be. If someone's bigoted towards an entire minority group that's more than just an "agree to disagree" in my book, that's a hardline no to friendship. This especially applies if they have trans friends or family, of course they're not going to want to prioritise a friendship with you over them.

I have friends sitting on both sides of this debate, including GC friends who are activists around this issue, to those who are TWAW, to those who are trans. I am not that interested in the topic myself, so when it arises, I don't say a whole huge amount, and am happy for them to sound off without agreeing on everything they are saying. It's not a big part of my identity.

I also have late teens and lots of their friends are non-binary or trans, and if they come around to my house, I chat with them about all kinds of things, but I wouldn't seek immediately to pronounce anything about my 'position' on this matter, partly as I'm not TWAW but not entirely GC in the more extreme forms either. I'm interested in them as people, not as a receptacle for my own views on the matter.

If your friend has this as a strong aspect of their identity, then it might be hard if they directly question you, but I'd just not get into it if possible, unless it's also an aspect of your identity.

I also have friends from years back who vote different ways, we do discuss politics but I'm not interested in people who want to take a stance on everything, most of my friends are quite easy-going and want to retain their friends, they aren't seeking opportunities to get rid of them!

I know.
Some people believe you can.
I don't.