To not want to lose my only friend over my beliefs

[SilverBranchGoldenPears]

I will keep this very short.
I have one friend where I live- relatively new. I’m far from home. No others on the horizon- I know I need to find more but it’s a struggle. I’m GC and I know when they find out they will not speak to me again. I will not and cannot lie about my feelings on this. Currently she is trying to probe. I feel very sad about it as I don’t care what she thinks, I just want to be her friend. I think people can have different beliefs and get on.
How do I go about it? Should I start the conversation now and accept the consequences?
Should I avoid it as long as I can? and if so how?

I‘m not sure what exactly I’m asking but I am just sad about it. Has anyone else been in this situation? Thanks!

AIBU - don’t be sad
YANBU - it is sad and it’s ok to be sad

And she'll ask why you're saying such absurd things that no trans person or trans ally believes.

This is from June 2022 and quite a lot has changed in the public perception since then.

This is a tricky one! I have what would be considered here, very slight and not good enough GC views. However in the real world and in my friendship group, those views are outrageous. I managed to avoid it until a born male in our group came out as a transwoman. The conversation started horribly with them telling me my views are awful and I should be cancelled like JK Rowling. Then I asked them if they genuinely believed ‘Lola’ was a woman, and if so, would they be happy for her to get her penis out in a changing room with their daughters. They universally stopped talking and said that ‘Lola’ wasn’t representative of most trans people, she’s just very confused and needs help. It’s an odd subject. I’d say it’s similar to the migrant discussion, some people have incredibly strong views on either side, most of us can feel empathy and a desire to help, whilst also acknowledging that there has to be some order and governance to prevent carnage. I just think both sides find it hard to see either side opinion because the minute someone is more or less ‘the other way’ than them, their view is automatically wrong and it turns into an argument. Sorry I’ve gone off on a tangent, in short OP, I’d say try to avoid the discussion.

It was a 2022 YouGov Poll

https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/43194-where-does-british-public-stand-transgender-rights-1

There was another poll (sorry can't remember where) that asked what people's understands were. It was very surprising how many people got it wrong, ie They thought transwomen are born female and now present as male etc. So it skewed the results. When the correct meaning was told to them, the vote was even higher for the "GC" views.

Because "identifying" as the opposite sex is only possible by changing the definition of "man" and "woman" for EVERYBODY else, not just for that one individual. So instead of human beings who happen to be born in our sexed bodies but with our very own, individual personalities, we are now fluffy pink ladybrains actively Identifying with the gender stereotypes associated with our sex (since that is how the dreaded "cis" is being defined.) I don't know about you, but I personally find this demeaning and unacceptable. It also means we can't mobilize around women's issues anymore - discrimination against women in medicine or product design is now about "people with uterus/vagina/whatevs" (where does that leave the sex-specific symptoms of heart attacks in women?!) And all that's before we even get into communal changing rooms, showers or hospital wards.

My partner is homophobic. I didn't think I could be with someone with the views he has, but he's Russian so was brought up very differently to me. He's kind and polite to my gay friends and family (there's quite a few in my family!) and we accept we have different options. He doesn't hate gay people, but he does feel sorry for them and think they're mentally unwell/brainwashed. Being bisexual myself I never thought I could be with someone who holds these views, but here we are, and I don't find it a dealbreaker. It's very much a case of well "Vladimir" (not his real name) thinks this, but it's because he's Russian and coming from the angle that the family is the most important thing in society. So whilst we (being my family and friends) don't agree with him, we understand why he has different views.

But if he was racist, then I couldn't tolerate that. It wouldn't be something we could "agree to disagree" on as it would be something that would affect every aspect of our lives. So there are things I think that you can't overlook, particularly in a close friendship.

My mechanic, however,.is.a massive racist. I still let him service my car. I just wouldn't go for a beer with him, and I turned down his offer of acting as his accountant.

This is the same poll the guardian article I linked is about. It doesn't say what you claim.

Yes but so many trans people do this too? Like they say gender is fluid and what your sex is doesn’t dictate your gender etc but then claim to BE a woman because they dress femininely or add/detract body parts?

how can you say sex and gender aren’t intrinsically linked if you’re saying I had a vagina made to be more like my chosen gender (therefore using sex organs as a determined of gender?)

Personally I couldn’t be friends with someone who was GC in the same way I couldn’t be friends with a racist or homophobe. If she feels similarly strongly, perhaps your friendship won’t stand the test of time.

Well, I'll start by saying that you don't have a clue. My eldest child (a teen) identifies as a different gender, they know full well their birth sex, but they absolutely do not feel that their gender matches their sex. You do realise that gender disorder (or dismorphia) is a thing? My teen certainly doesn't identify as a certain gender to gain access to sporting events, toilets or anything else for that matter. Its absolutely stupid to assume people do this, as the ones that do are a tiny minority!

So yeah, don't talk shit about a topic you clearly don't understand at all. I refuse to engage further with clueless people who really do have stupid "beliefs".

It is pro GC view, I don't know what you are reading.

If you're gender boring match your sexy would you just be a feminine man/masculine woman?

Anyone who is transgender is trying to be the opposite sex, so GD or not, they don't accept the idea of bio sex

Oh whatever. Yes, of course feminism is so right wing 🙄

Oh we certainly do have ‘a clue’. Your teen might not want to gain access to single sex spaces for nefarious reasons, but there’s plenty that do. Not read about the problem with women’s prisons?

Well that's OK because I couldn't be friends with someone stupid enough to equate GC (aka reality) with racism and homophobia.

Unless you struggle with gender disorder, you honestly have NO IDEA how it feels. You don't need to understand it at all, nobody is asking you to, it's about respect.

IMO all toilets should be unisex, all changing rooms should just have cubicles. There's no need for specific gender assigned facilities! People like you create a problem when there isn't one. Do you truly believe that most men will identify as a woman to go into the women's toilets/changing rooms? As they just don't, and if they do it's insanely rare. Get a grip.

This is perfect!

It doesn't need to impact your friendship. I am a feminist and GC and I have a good friend who is trans and a few acquaintance who are trans. I like them. I respect them. We have different beliefs, but we can still be friends. I used to live in Italy and I remember being struck by a friendship between two old blokes one of whom was a fascist in the war and the other a communist. Great friends. I found it hard to understand at the time, but they always struck me as a friendship to aspire to.

Hating trans people isn't feminism.

No one is suggesting that all the gender types are in it for nefarious reasons. Don't be ridiculous. But there are many well documented cases of some acting in this way, and so measures must be put in place to protect women and girls.

@HalloumiGeller i am sure your child is respectful of other people and would be upset if they thought using the "wrong " loos would distress people. However, this issue is bigger than toilets and changing rooms. Its about protecting truly vulnerable people, including victims of rape and sexual assault, women in prison, and women playing sports who can be seriously hurt by men playing contact sports against them.

Such childish nonsense. I don't hate trans people. I just don't believe you can change sex and don't feel old fashioned gender stereotypes are useful in today's society.

Why is she pressing you on the issue? Does she have trans family? If it's that then I would tread carefully. She might want to talk about it without judgement.
If it's just general convo, then avoid the subject. Just brush it off. If you want to discuss this with her in detail then by all means share your views. You and friend should be able to discuss it rationally without falling out fully, surely? What does it matter really if you don't see everything the same way, it's give and take isn't it. If you share many other views and interests then it would be a shame to fall out over it.

Keep creating straw men