9 year old lying finally told truth

[IWantOut29]

I've rewrote this a few times now and now I'm crying because despite the fact shes now telling the truth about lying i'm worried strangers on the internet are going to think I'm lying 🤦‍♀️ I dont even know what I want from posting this, I've barely spoke to anyone aside from family about all of this because I've been so ashamed and paranoid people would think it was true. Now shes finally told the truth I still feel anxious and worried

Sorry, this is going to be long but basically my DD9 has been accusing me of hurting her for the last 18 months. The accusations have gotten bigger and bigger. She is suspected Autism/ADHD and is on the neuro referal pathway. She hurts herself at school frequently, vomits most days and has threatened to kill herself more times than I can count at school

We are on a child protection plan because although it has never been proven nor has she ever had any Mark's, because she has been consistent in her stories they said she was at risk of harm.

We were put on the plan during the 6 weeks holidays and I was really upset as school would of been able to prove that one accusation was 100% not true, but they couldnt ask they didnt attend the meeting as it was in the 6 weeks holidays. She said that I beat her up on holiday and slammed her head against the walls.... I did not go on holiday with her and she stayed in a teepee/tent kind of thing

I asked why when there was no proof or injuries or Mark's and they said because she had been consistent with what she had been saying she was at risk of harm.

Our social worker has been absolutely amazing and I have a good relationship with her. My DD recently had 8 weeks off school as she accused a teacher of hurting her too and there was a big investiagtion. During this time she was seen regularly by a counsellor and her social worker, plus she goes to the local community club and has days out with them.

She has recently gone back to school on a phased return and on the 2nd day I went to pick her up at the agreed time and could hear her crying in the safeguarding teachers room. I couldnt hear what she was saying, just heard her getting really upset saying she wanted to go home and the teacher saying she couldnt go home if what she was saying was true

This time, she had a meeting with an advocacy person about the allegation with the teacher and told her that I hadnt let her see anyone during the time she was off school, I didnt let her speak to her social worker alone, she doesnt have a quilt at home and that I beat her up on her birthday and punched her in the face..... I have loads of pictures/videos of her birthday and we were out all day with family too,

So I sent the social worker pictures/videos of days before/after and during her birthday, she could prove that she had seen DD alone and that DD has been to counselling sessions alone and that she has been to the clubs and days out alone.

The police said they were not going to investigate any further and were happy to leave it with social services but they did want to go round to the house to check DD had quilt and a pillow ect.

She spoke to the police and our social worker and told them all that it wasnt true, she thought because she was still having meetings about it that they wanted her to say she was being hurt, she didnt want them to call her a liar, she doesnt like the meetings because they always go silent and just look at her. She didnt want safeguarding teacher in the meeting with her and told our social worker it was because she didnt want the teacher to know she was lying

Me, school, social and the police have all said she wouldnt get in trouble for lying, we are all here to keep her safe and the police said to me after that hopefully seeing the police in person might show her that there are real consequences to her words. They also told me that she said to the social worker " I hold all the dominance now" and when asked what she meant she said "in the house, I hold all the power now" which the police said shows that she knows she has power behind her words

Unfortunatly they still havnt had the strategory meeting, it was supposed to be on the Wednesday, then the Thursday then the Friday but each day got moved again as someone or other couldnt attend. Soni assume it will be Monday now and I'm so anxious about it

I asked the police what would happen now as I was worried I was going to get arrested and they said I wouldnt be arrested, they wouldnt be investigating further and were leaving it with social. I am a very anxious person and said to them are you sure because I'm worried theres going to be an ambush and they said they had to tell me beforehand what they were going to say in the meeting and that they wernt going to do anything

My social worker has been brilliant all the way through this, has said how well we get on what a good bond we have, how happy and relaxed she is around me, has said it seems to be a school issue as it's only in school she says these things and that it was weird that she hadnt said any of these things to her, her counsellor or anyone else and said it to a complete stranger she had never met before.

I'm so relieved shes told the truth but I just feel so sad and empty about it. It's been such a stressful awful time, I've lost so much weight through the stress of it all, I havnt slept properly for months.

I feel horrible for her that its recorded down that she has told lies. With the police aswell shes 9 years old. What if somthing happens to her when shes older and she isnt believed because she told fibs when she was little?

I've felt horrible all the way throughout all of this. With the police the other day she looked so uncomfortable and I wanted to stroke her arm and give her a cuddle for reassurance but I didnt want the police to think I was trying to silence her. She kept looking at me for reassurance when they were asking her questions and I had to ask her not to look at me as I was worried the police would take that as she was scared to speak infront of me. I said all of this infront of the police and they said no not at all, sit with her it's fine.

I dont know why I'm so upset about it, shes told the truth now, social have always been really supportive all the way through this, I dont have to do anything on this plan it has all been arou f support for me DD, they havnt asked me to do a single thing

I cant stop crying tonight I dont even know what I. Hoping to gain from posting this, I just need to get it out of me

If you got to the end thank you for reading,

This is very outing so I may well ask mumsnet to remove it at some point,

Gosh OP you have been through such a lot. It does sound as though there is plenty of evidence to back up that you’ve not hurt your daughter and both your social worker and the Police can see this. Hopefully your daughter will understand that the consequences of what she says are not always good and have a real impact.

It does seem like such an odd thing to say, but I’m sure you won’t be the only one, and there will be others with experience who can add more value than me. I do remember when my DD was younger she used to tell my MIL I left her home alone to go the the shops - this literally never happened! No idea where she got that from.

Hand hold OP 💐

While uncommon this type of thing does happen, and everybody involved in safeguarding children (inc parents!) would much rather they investigate every case than no case, but it does sound like you’ve put really put through it with your DD.

I was infamous for telling anybody who would listen (bus drivers, cashiers, random old ladies in the street) that my mummy would bash me with a big stick with nails in if I misbehaved. She was mortified every time. There was no big stick, no nails, and certainly no bashing (though I did get a clip round the ear for slamming my brother’s finger in the car door once)

It sounds like the weight of this has been relieved somewhat by your DD’s admittance, which might be why you’re feeling so overwhelmed and teary now - all completely understandable. I very much doubt any fib told at 9 will be taken into account when she’s older if she does need to report anything. SS seem to be on your side too. Does DD tell other, smaller, lies? On either instance did it come about after you “did” something, e.g. told her off or in some way ‘wronged’ her (in her mind)?

I’m sure you’re already on this, but it would be worth talking seriously to DD (or have SS do it) and telling her that lying about something like this isnt something to do out of anger, the comment about having power lends itself to the fact that she might consider this a “punishment” for you/teacher, and that’s not acceptable. Hoping it all blows over soon for you OP, and that your relationship with DD doesn’t suffer. X

I've always been kind to her about these accusations, I've never properly told her off about them.... mainly because I've been worried if I did then she would say more things about me so I'm really hoping the police are right and it will show her that there are consequences. I have told her she really needs to stop now because it's getting dangerous. I do somtimes wonder if I'd of properly told her off the first time would it of continued for this long

It is odd and this is what's made me feel so ashamed, because most kids dont say things like this. I really am hoping someone comes along and says that somthing similar happened with their child and now it's all fine

I'm trying to think back to if any of us said anything like this about my mum and dad but I dont think any of us did

Thank you for reading and replying

Yeah I've said this all the way through and that I understand their just doing their jobs and it's right that they investigate it, but I've felt like a criminal and it's been an awful time

The police were writing down what she was saying and all I could think was, that's on record now. It's there forever. I dont ever want it to be like the boy who cried wolf for her

Our social worker is really really nice. I feel incredibly lucky that we got someone who can see us properly for who we all really are and who doesnt just jump the gun and assume. The police said that in our area social services have a bad reputation and that it was a nice change to hear from the social worker that we had such a good relationship with her

Does DD tell other, smaller, lies? On either instance did it come about after you “did” something, e.g. told her off or in some way ‘wronged’ her (in her mind

Yes but not me and my family have said the same and have said it's a school issue, but I have felt incredibly uncomfortable saying I think school is the problem as surely anyone who is abusing their child will point fingers at other people

She does not like school and gets overwhelmed really easily and the social worker herself said she has noticed that each time she has said somthing about me there has been some sort of incident at school where she has had to be taken to a quiet area to discuss her behaviour and then that's when she starts crying about me saying I've done things to her

Its had a real knock on effect at home as she tells lies about her brother too and it's got to the point I cannot tell if she is telling the truth or not because she gets equally emotional and upset when she is lying and when she is telling the truth

I'm ngl, it has suffered, but only inwardly. I definetly do feel a slight bit of resentment towards her. But she does not know this and I have never punished her for lying about me and I still kiss/cuddle her tell her I love her everyday

I asked the social worker to speak to her about it and i have gently, DD has apologised s few times and I've kindly said, I dont want an apology, I just want it to stop. I've even told her if she ends up saying things again, once shes calmed down all she needs to say is it's not true, she doesnt bave to explain herself all she needs to say is she doesnt know why she said it, it's for us grown ups to figure that out and get to the bottom of it

Thank you for being kind, I know it's only 2 replies so far but I was half expecting people to say I was lying and she must be telling the truth

I’m so glad for you that your dd has admitted to her lies.

Can you talk to her now and tell her you’re so pleased she has finally told the truth. That you’ve been worried that she could get you into serious trouble. Explain that if the police believe the lies they could take you away and tell her she isn’t allowed to live with you anymore or can’t see you for quite a long time.

She needs to know there are real life consequences for what she’s saying. She is almost at the age of criminal responsibility.

There was a thread recently about lying. I’ll try and find it. There was some useful info on there.

You poor thing what an incredibly stressful time for you. Hopefully you can put this behind you and move forward now.

I have definitely heard of much younger children lying, if you can even call it that at that age, so 3/4 years. Random stuff like going places they didnt. I do wonder if after the initial lie if SS hadn't been involved maybe your DD wouldn't have kept it up. She said she didnt want the teacher to know she was lying so in a room full of adults the pressure would have been immense to keep up the story I would imagine?

If you had simply kept telling not to tell lies and the teacher had as well (obvs I know school can't and shouldn't do this) she may have stopped.

It does seem a little odd the comment about holding all the dominance and power in the home. I would look into some carefully chosen therapy for her.

What is your relationship like generally with her? Does she have siblings?

This thread. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4985544-dd-lying-what-to-do?reply=132265319

I've cried a few times because I feel so guilty that I'm relieved that people know shes lied. I feel awful that shes been so ashamed of it that shes felt like shes had to carry it on so people dont judge her for lying.

I have told her if she doesnt stop they will arrest me and she wont be able to live here anymore and neither will DS. I've asked her if she thinks it's fair that DS wouldnt have a mummy because shes said silly things

DS came out of school on Friday really upset and hes been really emotional all weekend. I spoke to him this morning and he said he was worried I was going to be arrested ( police rang me on our way to school on Friday and were already at school waiting for us when we got there ) so poor DS spent his entire day knowing the police wanted to see me and in his mind police arrest people. I asked if he spoke to his teachers or friends and he said no he didnt want to. So hed bottled that in all day the poor little boy

I've barely been able to find anything about children lying about this sort of thing which has made me feel even worse as surely I cant be the first parent this has happened to

I just want her to be okay and be normal when shes older. I want her to be happy and love herself. I am at a loss on how to help her

Your poor ds. ❤️

Does school offer any kind of assistance? When my 15 yo dd was at primary school, they picked specific kids, who were struggling for some reason, to do a free after school club once a week. It was a bit of bonding, team work etc and called fun club. They also offered some kind of counselling sessions. My dd did both of these but the counselling was more just checking in with her. Some kids had more intensive 121 sessions and did extra things like tending to flower beds so there were different levels of help for those, they felt were more in need.

I personally wouldn't keep telling her that if she lies again the police can take her away and she wouldn't see you for a long time. 9 is still so young and you don't want to put her in a position where she is scared of telling the truth about something incase someone may think she is lying.

Definitely look into professional help. Do you think she is maybe feeling angry or a lack of control at home so she wants to punish you.

I would give her lots of positive praise when she does anything that warrants it and don't let her feelings of guilt and shame continue.

Facebook memories is good for things like this, mine pop up all the time with daft stories she used to come up with when she was younger. She used to come home all the time saying things had happened at school that definetly hadnt ( been locked in cuboards, toilets ect, not had any dinner, not had any toast, teacher shrugging at her when she complains ect ) that was when she was younger. Half of me wishes I'd gone in and complained each time but I knew she was fibbing as kids do so didnt mention it to school

My mum has said the same about the pressure and my DD does find these meetings really stressful and has told me several times she doesnt want to go to them. I've explained that she has to because of what shes said. And I havnt wanted to withdraw her from any of the support as it would of just looked like an abusive parent trying to isolate their child

My mums said the same about school aswell that they shouldnt of engaged with it so much but I do understand it's a safeguarding issue and me and the safeguarding teacher really get on and she has apologised several times for having to ring social and has always made it clear she has to because it's her job. I'm always really understanding because it's better to be safe than sorry isnt it. But it's been awful. It's just been so stressful and lonely because it's not somthing you want to tell people is it

We get on so well, I only have her and DS, 2 years between them. It's just been us 3 for the last 7 years ( fled DV, moved areas ect ) and me and her get on really well. We have little in jokes, we cuddle and tell each other we love each other every single day, right now shes asleep in bed next to me. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and we do have the odd fall out every now and then but day to day we get on really well

She is half and half with DS, either really loving to him or shes really hurting him and being snide to him. He is very frightened of her when she is angry as she will really hurt him. They both have to do those thoughts and feelings things and DS always puts DD down as a 3 or 4 because she hurts him so much

She is very jealous of him and sees anything I do with DS as me loving him more. I dont, I love them both equally but DS has dyspraxia and ADHD. He really struggles to dress himself so I help him and she sees that as love. Once we had spoke about it though I explained he needed more help because of his issues and I just started helping her put her socks, shoes and coat on in the morning so she doesnt feel left our

My friend's recently been through something very, very similar with her DD, early teens. I won't say any more because it's not my story to tell. I just wanted you to know you're not completely alone in this!

Of course, I have a good idea of how ghastly this is for you and how disturbing for any other siblings. Hugs

Thank you I'll have a look at this in a few minutes

This is heartbreaking. 💔

Op I would be clear with her that lying is not just saying silly things. Her lies could have gotten you or someone else arrested!

It's ok to be mad at her. You should be mad her, and she should feel ashamed.

I know how hard that is too watch, but she needs to feel that so she does better in the future.

Shame is an appropriate emotion for her to feel.

The dominance statement is concerning. Is she in therapy?

If she lies again about you or anyone else there should be consequences. No TV or computer, or whatever it is she likes to do.

@Josette77 A child feeling ashamed is something to be avoided, they don't have the brain capacity or emotional maturity to deal with it, it just makes them feel worthless and damages self esteem.

I know, hes such a loving happy little boy aswell. He was miserable when he came out of school on Friday, usually he runs out really excited and full of energy and he was just really quiet and moody and kept saying nothing was wrong.

Yes, so at our school they have school counsellors, DD was chosen for that last year and really enjoyed it. She has counselling in school and outside of school. I'm really considering EDMR therapy for her at this point because these 2 counselling types are just talk/play and I dont think their making much of a difference

Shes just started a new class ( switched class after the 8 weeks off and the allegation ) and this new teacher is amazing, shes bought her playdough, a Harry Potter style pad ( dd loves HP ) for her to doodle in whilst the teacher is teaching, got her flash cards, showed her a calming area she can sit in and placed her at the front so she can step in immediately if DD gets overwhelmed

I asked school why she wasnt in this class already as it was so much better suited for her needs and they said it was because school work wise she was in the right class as she is capable of doing the work where as now theyve said that she can be in this classroom to raise her confidence and self esteem around her work ( most accusations have been after an issue or meltdown at school )

It's just been so bizarre all of it, school say she has low self esteem and confidence but I can show them videos of her dancing and singing infront of big crowds and her not being phased at all ( on her own or with my sister, never in a big group so the attention is always fully on her it's not like shes lost in a group)

I think it’s really relevant here that you and the children had to leave a DV situation and move areas. How old was she at the time? Did she witness the abuse? These experiences could have been very traumatic for her and may explain some of her behaviour. Has she had counselling for this?

@IWantOut29 it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your DD. And that you put a great deal of thought into both your DC happiness and wellbeing.

Does the school have any support you could use?

No, it's not somthing I have said repeatedly to her, she said sorry to me and I got upset and started crying and just said I needed her to stop because if she didnt I would get arrested

I've said to her infront of the police, school, social services, that she must always tell a grown up if she doesnt feel safe, always. It's our job to help her stay and feel safe.

I could be wrong, but I really dont think it's me, I think I'm a safe bet because she knows I'll still love her regardless. She said the other day that she told my mum what was happening and my mum just shrugged at her but when our social worker asked what she actually said to my mum and what my mum said back DD just said she didnt know. I think she was reluctant to lie about my mum as she doesnt know how my mum would react and wouldnt want my mum to think badly of her.

But, then again, maybe she is angry at me because a while back she did say she felt like I loved DS more because I helped him more. But I've rectified that the best I can by helping her more now ( shes perfectly capable but it looks like she sees acts of service as love ) so I've tried to do more in that regard

She does get a lot of positivity from me but it wont hurt to give her more will it

@IWantOut29 the school and the new class sounds like it is very positive.

I think with self esteem it is what's happening on the inside, a child may be outwardly confident and happy to perform in front of others, yet inside it can be totally different.

Hey OP. I'm not an expert but it seems to me that your DD lies because as she said, it gives her power. She gets in trouble for poor behaviour, then lies about you, and like magic the focus is shifted from her poor behaviour to the wrongs you have allegedly committed. Suddenly she is receiving sympathy and being taken seriously. I think you need to bring in a child psychologist to investigate why she feels so powerless and see if there are ways you can help strengthen her feelings of autonomy. She has poor impulse control and seems to think and feel in the short-term; try to help her understand long-term consequences of her actions better. Also, don't talk about the impact of her actions on DS so much. She is unlikely to be moved by this as there is clearly a lot of resentment for her brother and competition with you for his attention. Make her understand what her actions mean for herself, what could happen if you lose your job or get arrested or if she is removed from the household etc.
Her behaviour also seems avoidant of negative emotions. This can be worsened by a parent not being consequent or attempting to shield their child from emotional discomfort. I'm not saying you should administer draconian punishments but you MUST respond strongly to her behaviour and tell her in no uncertain terms that it is wrong. If she manages to fend off consequences for poor behaviour at school only to get them at home she will be disincentivised to lie at school. Conversely if she manages to avoid consequences at school by lying about you only to receive love and cuddles at home, you are basically rewarding for lying. Think about the goal your dd is trying to achieve by lying, then prevent that goal from being achieved. This may help her stop lying. Also talk to the school about her lies and explain that they must not respond to her claims in a way that allows her to avoid consequences for poor behaviour.
Good luck OP.

This is a tricky and unusual situation.

In regards to the dominance comment, when she has told these lies, has she had any form of telling off/consequences?

I understand that she's only 9 and there are clearly issues, but to tell such damaging lies and then say she has the power at home sounds like she is almost getting what she wants/getting away with telling these lies.

Have you been worried to tell her off about her behaviour etc? For example, the investigation with the teacher is quite serious and could damage that person career/mental health. Let alone what you've been going through.

In regards to a previous poster saying you shouldn't tell her you may get arrested/taken away by police, the child is old enough to be told the potential consequences, although I wouldn't say its just unfair for DS as there's clearly some sort of jealousy there and she may also think she is able to punish you/him.

i think you have ignored her lying for many years and try to be too nice to her and now she does hold all the power.

Why on earth are you dressing her just because her brother needs help?

Why didn’t you tell her that lies have consequences when she came home lying about teachers many years ago?

You’re her parent not her friend.

There needs to be a consequence every time she lies. So she tells a lie, privileges go e.g. tablet or whatever else. Have high expectations of behaviour but act immediately with any negative behaviour, don’t be worn down by crying and hysterics. Take the power back.

Bloody hell OP you have absolutely been through the mill. It must be such a relief it’s been resolved, and no wonder that’s causing everything to bubble up now. It’s remarkable you’ve coped so well.

I’m really glad you’ve had good support - the key thing now is you as a family get therapeutic support (separately and possibly together) to move forward. I would say to your SW that you cannot all walk away from this and be fine, everyone needs some counselling to work through the trauma and some help to heal the family dynamics. It’s obviously hard to you to regain authority, which you need to for both kids to feel secure.

I know how stretched things are, but this is an unusual situation, so I would prioritise speaking to your SW about this.

Kids do make up stories, but your daughter’s comment about having dominance might indicate it’s more than this. She may need some intervention to help her learn empathy, and you need some help as to how to talk to her about moral boundaries and responsibility.

I’m so glad things are getting better and do get some help.

@Josette77 - the OP could do more damage talking to her daughter like this. This needs professional help to manage. It’s an unusual and tricky situation.