9 year old lying finally told truth

[IWantOut29]

I've rewrote this a few times now and now I'm crying because despite the fact shes now telling the truth about lying i'm worried strangers on the internet are going to think I'm lying 🤦‍♀️ I dont even know what I want from posting this, I've barely spoke to anyone aside from family about all of this because I've been so ashamed and paranoid people would think it was true. Now shes finally told the truth I still feel anxious and worried

Sorry, this is going to be long but basically my DD9 has been accusing me of hurting her for the last 18 months. The accusations have gotten bigger and bigger. She is suspected Autism/ADHD and is on the neuro referal pathway. She hurts herself at school frequently, vomits most days and has threatened to kill herself more times than I can count at school

We are on a child protection plan because although it has never been proven nor has she ever had any Mark's, because she has been consistent in her stories they said she was at risk of harm.

We were put on the plan during the 6 weeks holidays and I was really upset as school would of been able to prove that one accusation was 100% not true, but they couldnt ask they didnt attend the meeting as it was in the 6 weeks holidays. She said that I beat her up on holiday and slammed her head against the walls.... I did not go on holiday with her and she stayed in a teepee/tent kind of thing

I asked why when there was no proof or injuries or Mark's and they said because she had been consistent with what she had been saying she was at risk of harm.

Our social worker has been absolutely amazing and I have a good relationship with her. My DD recently had 8 weeks off school as she accused a teacher of hurting her too and there was a big investiagtion. During this time she was seen regularly by a counsellor and her social worker, plus she goes to the local community club and has days out with them.

She has recently gone back to school on a phased return and on the 2nd day I went to pick her up at the agreed time and could hear her crying in the safeguarding teachers room. I couldnt hear what she was saying, just heard her getting really upset saying she wanted to go home and the teacher saying she couldnt go home if what she was saying was true

This time, she had a meeting with an advocacy person about the allegation with the teacher and told her that I hadnt let her see anyone during the time she was off school, I didnt let her speak to her social worker alone, she doesnt have a quilt at home and that I beat her up on her birthday and punched her in the face..... I have loads of pictures/videos of her birthday and we were out all day with family too,

So I sent the social worker pictures/videos of days before/after and during her birthday, she could prove that she had seen DD alone and that DD has been to counselling sessions alone and that she has been to the clubs and days out alone.

The police said they were not going to investigate any further and were happy to leave it with social services but they did want to go round to the house to check DD had quilt and a pillow ect.

She spoke to the police and our social worker and told them all that it wasnt true, she thought because she was still having meetings about it that they wanted her to say she was being hurt, she didnt want them to call her a liar, she doesnt like the meetings because they always go silent and just look at her. She didnt want safeguarding teacher in the meeting with her and told our social worker it was because she didnt want the teacher to know she was lying

Me, school, social and the police have all said she wouldnt get in trouble for lying, we are all here to keep her safe and the police said to me after that hopefully seeing the police in person might show her that there are real consequences to her words. They also told me that she said to the social worker " I hold all the dominance now" and when asked what she meant she said "in the house, I hold all the power now" which the police said shows that she knows she has power behind her words

Unfortunatly they still havnt had the strategory meeting, it was supposed to be on the Wednesday, then the Thursday then the Friday but each day got moved again as someone or other couldnt attend. Soni assume it will be Monday now and I'm so anxious about it

I asked the police what would happen now as I was worried I was going to get arrested and they said I wouldnt be arrested, they wouldnt be investigating further and were leaving it with social. I am a very anxious person and said to them are you sure because I'm worried theres going to be an ambush and they said they had to tell me beforehand what they were going to say in the meeting and that they wernt going to do anything

My social worker has been brilliant all the way through this, has said how well we get on what a good bond we have, how happy and relaxed she is around me, has said it seems to be a school issue as it's only in school she says these things and that it was weird that she hadnt said any of these things to her, her counsellor or anyone else and said it to a complete stranger she had never met before.

I'm so relieved shes told the truth but I just feel so sad and empty about it. It's been such a stressful awful time, I've lost so much weight through the stress of it all, I havnt slept properly for months.

I feel horrible for her that its recorded down that she has told lies. With the police aswell shes 9 years old. What if somthing happens to her when shes older and she isnt believed because she told fibs when she was little?

I've felt horrible all the way throughout all of this. With the police the other day she looked so uncomfortable and I wanted to stroke her arm and give her a cuddle for reassurance but I didnt want the police to think I was trying to silence her. She kept looking at me for reassurance when they were asking her questions and I had to ask her not to look at me as I was worried the police would take that as she was scared to speak infront of me. I said all of this infront of the police and they said no not at all, sit with her it's fine.

I dont know why I'm so upset about it, shes told the truth now, social have always been really supportive all the way through this, I dont have to do anything on this plan it has all been arou f support for me DD, they havnt asked me to do a single thing

I cant stop crying tonight I dont even know what I. Hoping to gain from posting this, I just need to get it out of me

If you got to the end thank you for reading,

This is very outing so I may well ask mumsnet to remove it at some point,

I disagree.

This child could have cost a teacher their career, and OP her freedom.

I think the child feeling guilty and ashamed of her actions is appropriate in these circumstances.

She shouldn't feel guilty for the rest of her life, but some emotional discomfort is ok.

Each time she lies about someone there should be a consequence.

So so sorry for what you’ve been through. I want to share this with you in the hope that it can be helpful for you.

So I was your DD. It wasn’t serious so young but I definitely said things as a teenager that weren’t true and got flagged about my lovely parents to SS or made my teenage boyfriends look shit. I also used to desperately wish I was seriously ill in hospital. Ironically, I was never able to confide in my parents about life stuff and held them at arms length and have an abject terror of being ill.

I had undiagnosed ASD and actually life was agony for me. I masked exceptionally well and did well at school. Literally NO ONE picked it up. But I was constantly exhausted and in emotional pain from every day life, didn’t understand why everyone felt like this. I looked ahead and saw a life of loneliness and struggle, whilst teachers and my parents predicted a sparkling future based off my straight As. It made no sense to me.

Even as an adult who had the ASD diagnosed at 24, I look back and can’t see what I expecting to achieve? I obviously didn’t confide in my parents who could have helped, I told lies to anyone and everyone… I was too emotionally immature to think through the consequences or even understand that people would see I was lying (I was a long long way behind my peers in terms of emotional understanding so even in to my late teens). I do however, remember the pain I was in and the craving of being looking after and protected for how hard the world felt so I can only assume it was simply a confused cry for help.

I was diagnosed at 24, it was a complete relief to me and I have not lied since. I have no need to. I rest when I am tired and look after myself when the world is too much and have a lovely DH who makes me feel looked after. It took years for my family to believe me however and I’m still not sure they do. I cringe when I look back at my behaviour but I also vividly remember the pain I was in and feel for that little girl who was so lost and confused.

I have a happy relationship, a good job, a lovely life and a good relationship with my parents. I live my life as an autistic person and am happier for it. I would not have any of those things without understanding my ASD and why life was so hard for me.

Sorry again for what you are going through, you can make of this what you will, but I thought sharing would be helpful.

Agree with @Josette77 - there is a difference between a child feeling ashamed of something they have done and ashamed of who they are. The latter is healthy, the former is unhealthy. In fact, feeling ashamed of poor behaviour but understanding that poor behaviour does not define one's entire personality is a big part of integrating the negative and positive aspects of ourselves into a whole self, so that we can accept we are flawed but also try to make amends when we do something that is wrong.
Shame can be a very useful emotion; it helps us to regulate our behaviour and informs our conscience. It's only a problem if a person feels it simply for existing.

Oh OP I am so sorry, what a hellish time you've been through. I just wanted to say that I'm a teacher and I taught a little girl a decade or so back who did exactly this. Would tell me she would be chained up to a shed at home, was regularly hit/ kicked/ screamed at etc. The accusations were totally wild. We of course followed the appropriate channels, but it was patently obvious she was lying. Lies would also go home about school - she'd say she'd been locked in the cupboard all day/ hadn't been allowed lunch etc. In this case, the child eventually received an ASD diagnosis. She was very high functioning and masked a lot at school, but her 'outlet' wasn't meltdowns or something more typical, it was lying. It always produced a reaction from adults, good or bad, which I assume she craved. We put in a huge number of strategies to help regulate her in school, and things did improve. It sounds like your DD has a great teacher, I think your idea of EDMR is a good one and I think you sound like an absolutely amazing mother ♥️

OP this sounds so incredibly stressful. All I can say is that I absolutely recommend some kind of play therapy, that really helped my DS (he wasn't lying but had terrible rage due to the divorce in part). It was a long slow process though but certainly helped.
He still (now a teen) struggles though with accountability. If he does anything wrong he tries to deflect by saying things like someone else did something to provoke it etc. I recently got somewhere in a conversation with him on this and it seems it's partly due to the fact in school they make kids say sorry when they are not sorry and don't always get to the bottom.of a situation eg a scrap between 2 kids so just break up the figt or whatever and punish both kids. DS has a very strong sense of right and wrong so gets annoyed if he's blamed and it's not his fault. However the consequences are that he can't see or accept his part in any situation. And he sees things like "sorry" as meaningless.

Absolutely not the same as your situation but just to say that it may be worth looking at the wider school situation, how they discipline the kids, how they approach disagreements or bad behaviour. It could be a factor in your DD responses and behaviour.

Good luck with it all. Sounds v stressful for you

I’m so sorry for this op- I hope it gets resolved for you soon. I was struck by you saying ‘fibs’- these are more than just fibs!! How awful for you - I’d be explaining that her lying like this causes you hurt. Ask her if that’s what she wants? We don’t hurt those we love. X

Yes, particularly as it seems to me this child may have high functioning autism. That kind of experimenting with how much power they can wield - is common and can be very damaging to those around. Mainly because the child doesn't have full cognitive understanding of the consequences to those affected.

You wrote ‘I don’t know why I’m so upset about it’. I do! You’ve been through an absolutely awful time and I really feel for you.
It almost sounds like she knows that if she says something bad against you at school then she gets a whole lot of attention and is taken out of class and it all becomes about her.
Like you also said, you are also her safe space - she knows you will always be there for her, which to be honest is pretty awful for you but deep down she obviously knows that you will keep her safe. This may seem horrible, but perhaps if she realised the trouble that you could be in (ie arrested) and she had to spend a night away from you, it may help her to realise that her actions have consequences.
I really hope that her new teacher is able to give her support at school.

I believe you OP. It sounds incredibly hard. I’m glad your DD has a new teacher and hope this continues to help. I don’t want to offer advice as this sounds so complex and I’m not an expert. I also think it may be worth considering ASD.

Agree, there are lots of people being very negatively affected by her behaviour yet she is being centred as if she's the one being harmed.
Your poor ds She is half and half with DS, either really loving to him or shes really hurting him and being snide to him. He is very frightened of her when she is angry as she will really hurt him.
So what's the consequence for her when she really hurts him or does she just cry again and shift the focus to her?
Re the teacher? Did she lie about being physically assaulted by the teacher? Will that investigation not be on their records forever now and they'll have it brought up for any new job they apply for?
Agree with pp that these aren't just 'fibs' and definitely need deep psychological assessment.----

Just had a butter-fingers moment and accidentally voted yabu. Sorry! It sounds like an incredibly stressful experience, and so awful to feel like you have to go through it alone in case you're not believed.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose if the teacher is found innocent, the accusation is wiped from their record. However, it would be very stressful and I would not be in a room with that child again.

I feel horrible for her that its recorded down that she has told lies. With the police aswell shes 9 years old. What if somthing happens to her when shes older and she isnt believed because she told fibs when she was little?

9 isn’t that little. You shouldn’t be upset about this. You should be very happy she’s finally told the truth. Yes, it’s recorded she told lies, but that’s good - it’s a fact. In the unlikely event something happened to her, the evidence would be examined just like it would for anyone else. She won’t be dismissed just because she lied as a child.

I understand the awful stress you’ve had, but the way you write makes it sound like you’re either minimising or spoiling your daughter, or are simply afraid of her power. Neither of those are good. She needs parenting and boundaries. What you’ve said about how she treats your DS is horrible. She sounds a very mixed up girl who definitely needs psychological support.

Her comment about having the power is very telling. Why does she feel disempowered? Is she far, far more jealous of your DS than you realise? She sounds like she’s craving attention to a pathological extent. That isn’t your fault. You clearly love her and give her plenty of attention. It’s something in her that needs examining and improving with outside support.

I hope the police visit has made her realise what she’s done. She needs support to develop better ways of coping and living. Don’t be soft with he and don’t indulge her.

@user1471548941 I am so glad you got your diagnosis and have such a wonderful life after such and awful time as a child/teenager. I have a son with ASD, and it hurts to think of his world potentially feeling like yours did. You shouldn’t feel one bit guilty or cringe about how you were, you didn’t have the means to deal with it any other way.

Op I would ask for a break from her.
I know that's harsh but you have been through so much and the constant threat of her having the power must be taking its toll.

You are a fantastic mum and I feel so very very sorry for you. I honestly don’t know how you have carried on. And your poor son. I know your daughter is obviously very messed up to be doing this and it is so so admirable that you can still bond with her after what she has put you all through, she wouldn’t have an ounce of sympathy from me if she is not believed in the future. She has not told fibs - she has persistently told blatant, painful, life destroying lies. You as her mother forgive her unconditionally as that is what mums do. But she can expect a very lonely and difficult life. She won’t hold down a job - no employer will tolerate her accusing fellow colleagues of abuse or misconduct. Doubt she will have friends- why would you be friends with someone like that? Relationship? Nope, no man will want to stick around someone who might accuse him of hitting her. But none of that is your fault. You have done your best and the proof is your lovely other child. Hope she gets therapy pf some sort before she can inflict any more damage.

OP, read the post from @user1471548941. I'm autistic too, and I have an autistic DD (who's now 14 yrs old) and I really do think that neurodivergence is playing a role here.

My DD has a very loose relationship with the truth. Nothing along the lines that you mention, but since she was tiny she would m make all kinds of weird claims - often with no discernible benefit to her. We have to be very careful about relying on anything she says because there's no way to tell if it's true. On more than one occasion I've gone steaming up to the school about something only to discover it's factually not true (eg/one class was left out of an awards ceremony, the SEN unit weren't allowed to come to assembly etc).

The world can be overwhelming when you're autistic, and I think my DD lies because it makes her feel in control. And feeling in control is often very important to autistic people - when things seem difficult and huge, the sense that you're in control can help. Often my DD lies about things to fill in a gap - so if she can't remember something, she'll just make it up. She "passes" for her age but struggles so much more than people realise. She has a language processing disorder, primarily receptive language processing, and this means that she often misses what's actually happening - I think she just fills in the gaps.

Weirdly, my DM lies - who I am utterly, utterly convinced is also autistic but she's not diagnosed. DM seems oblivious to the fact she's constantly lying. And I'm talking bizarre, huge lies which are provably false. She can be exhausting to deal with for this reason. She doesn't seem to be aware that she's lying - it's almost as if she's convinced herself that it's the truth. I'm not normally one for an armchair diagnosis but I don't think there's any possibility at all that DM isn't autistic, and probably ADHD too. But she's 76 and has cerebral palsy - diagnosing autism in girls wasn't really prevalent when she was younger.

I abhor lying. It drives me mental. So it's not a universal thing for autism/neurodivergence, but it can be a factor.

The other thing with my DD is that getting in trouble makes her distraught. I mean the teeniest, tiniest hint of trouble will land her in floods of tears and complete meltdown where she can't function, and is unable to speak (she has a history of selective mutism). She also bears a grudge. Forgiveness is not a quality she's blessed with in abundance. Her brother is also autistic, he has much higher needs, but he also bears a grudge like you wouldn't fucking believe. In fairness, so do I.

Oh, one other thing. DD is INSANELY jealous. She gets very upset when DS is sitting on my lap. It's a huge battle for me to try and split my time fairly (they are twins, but he really does have quite substantial needs). I could spent 10 hours with her, but then if I spend 5 minutes with him, she'd still be jealous. She has big emotions and doesn't always know how to handle them. Intense emotions are one of the diagnostic factors for autism/ADHD etc, so not uncommon.

While I haven't experienced anything like you have, I do think that pushing for your DD's assessment is going to be vital here. There may well be other factors at play - but from what you've described I think autism/ADHD is playing a very significant part in what's going on.

I wonder if your DD feels unfairly treated when one of these incidents has happened at school, or just very upset at getting into trouble? Her defence mechanism is to distract from being the "naughty" child perhaps? Or maybe it's about feeling in control? It might even be an element of punishing you for "neglecting" her by spending time/helping her brother? None of this makes it OK, but it's helpful to understand what's at the core of this. I think you're right when you say you're her safe person - if you have a close bond as you say, then the reasons for her lies are much more complex than would be the case with an NT child who doesn't get along with their parent.

I don't have a lot of advice really, what you've been through is truly horrific. I completely understand you starting to resent your DD, that's a natural reaction to what she's put you through. Try to focus on the fact that it's a cry for help, rather than her being deliberately spiteful. It sounds as if you have handled this amazingly well, I think I'd be utterly broken dealing with what you've been through - especially considering your previous history of DV as well.

Also worth mentioning btw, are you a single parent household still? It sounds like it from your description. If so, DD's jealousy of you could be even more exacerbated. You're a really important person to her, hence the extreme jealousy.

I commented on the other thread about lying. With my DD, we don't give her lies any oxygen, we essentially just ignore them while giving loads of praise to when she's honest and truthful, and when she displays positive behaviours. You say you don't think she has any issues with self-esteem and confidence because she does performances - self-esteem and lack of confidence are so much more complicated than that. Being able to put on a show is just a mask, it's nothing to do with your core feelings of self-worth.

On a practical note, can you put up one of those hidden spy cameras in your home? I know you shouldn't have to but might give you a bit of confidence that you can prove any lies, should it happen again.

As for your DD, I would focus on making her feel really loved in clear and obvious ways. Boost her self-confidence and sense of self-worth. And find ways to help her feel more in control with her life. It's a sham really - you're the parent and you have all the control, but little ways for your DD to feel as if she's got some control over her life might help her overcome the feelings of powerlessness and being overwhelmed.

Obviously big lies would need to be addressed. But it's so, so much easier to try and stop them happening than to get a child to recant a lie and tell the truth - in my experience anyway. I've found that trying to avoid forcing a confession works better than waiting for them to tell the truth. So for example, stating the truth as a fact rather than asking them to admit the truth is better. if they lie, make it easy for them to back down without it becoming a huge drama - wherever possible. I appreciate this might not be possible given the nature of the lies your DD has been telling.

Oh, and I always point out how much time we've spent together/things we've done because DD seems to forget this and in her head, history can be rewritten so that she convinces herself I've ignore her. So I might say things like "I can't believe that we spent six hours painting those ornaments together yesterday! Time flew past, I had so much fun doing that with you." (an actual example here from over Christmas).

Just really reinforcing the positives constantly. Yes, it's hard, and yes, you do need to really think about everything. But it might help.

Sorry this is so long, but I thought a different perspective from a neurodivergent household might help. Sending you huge un-Mumsnetty hugs.

Feeling for you both so much. I have a child with asd. There is often obsessions. Maybe your daughters is lying. It spiralled. I’m sure after the meeting you will feel you can breathe again. How stressful for you. Has she got a child counsellor. I would suggest counselling/play therapy so she doesn’t have to talk. Hopefully they can help her unpick everything that has happened and she can move forward.

I’m no expert but sounds like she needs more help. A child psychologist. It’s very concerning to me that she uses accusations as a power play and is aware of what she is doing. At the moment it is with you, but if it’s not stopped at a young age she could make lies up about your son, a boyfriend etc which could land them in hot water and could ruin their life’s.

Oh wow, you pot thing. What a horrible situation. I’ve got nothing to add except to say please don’t underestimate the strain this is on you. You sound like you’re doing all the right things and yes that onus is on you because you’re an adult and she’s a child but I’m wondering what support/outlets you yourself have?

You will be able to move past this. Not as advanced as your situation but we had a incident a few years ago which traumatised me, and though I have moved on I will never forget it.

I won't go into great detail so sorry if its abit wishy washy but basically my child's school took a dislike to me due to me telling them they were failing him. I had suspected ASD and ADHD all his life. He reached a point of crisis, harming himself and threatening to kill himself daily. He regressed back to a toddler. His speech became awful and unclear answering in single words of baby babble which made no sense. Our lives were hell. No one wanted to help us despite years of empty promises. I was crying, begging for help every day. One day a few months after me claiming he was being failed, the HT made a threat towards me and I raised a formal complaint. That was my card marks!

I was fortunate to of had a wonderful FSW working with us via a self referral after my parenting being given as the cause for my son's behaviour. Thank god I had her as when the allegations came out I was horrified. I couldn't function. I was terrified he would be removed from the home. 21 things said against me all very serious about enabling self harm, witholding food and drink, falsly medicating him, manipulating him against his absent dad etc. They had even accessed his medical records during school holidays which they did not have consent to do. Writing these things actually makes me feel sick. My child was oblivious to anything and got extremely angry feeling he was being accused of saying things he never did. It was honestly the worst thing I had ever been through. Who do I trust? How to I protect my child in crisis. It was traumatising.

Luckily for us the report was closed as malicious very quickly. There wasn't a single thing on my son's file until 3 days after I said he was being failed by school, the doctors and myself for not being able to help him. And when I raised the complaint after the HT threat they really ramped things up and this was indicated by the timelog of when things were reported. My son's file was also inconsistent as none of the proof I was able to produce (and there was alot) was ever recorded. It was made to look like they were doing their SG duties. It was also discovered that they were putting words in to my son's mouth. During his year of crisis all he would say is yes when spoken to, unless he was talking to me and I managed to get abit more out of him. He believed if he said yes you would leave him alone and stop talking to him. They used this to their advantage and were asking him things that he would never have known about, e.g his absent dad. We still live local to that school and when we drive past I have to hold back tears of the stories he is finally able to tell me. It was no wonder he was in crisis.

I remember the SW saying something similar that he isn't saying or doing any of these things around her. I'd said all along it was a school issue and she agreed. She assisted with an emergency schopl move but I was still so traumatised by what had been said about me being sent to the new school, she called a meeting with the SLT and gave her opinions through working with me saying there was never any Safeguarding concerns, even saying I had been the victim of a malicious school/senco. She said how much love there was between me and my son, how well protected and looked after he was. How well kept his home and living standards were. I remember listening and getting quite upset at her stating the facts because anyone and everyone would have always seen this, even his old school but they turned on me because I kept asking for support to get him assessed.

I had battled my son's entire life to be heard regarding my concerns with ASD/ADHD. I was also told he looked too normal (true story) and I feel this is what lead me to that traumatising experience as basically I knew more than the school and SENCO and they didn't like that.

9 months later my son was unanimously diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and in now in intensive therapy for his OCD and PTSD triggered by his previous school. His needs are actually considered very complex as he has so much going on, which also highlights the absolute ignorance of the 'he looks normal' comments. He is in a new school, their support is incredible, they adore him, meltdowns included as they understand him. I will never forget the day the new HT took my hand and said 'we know he isnt ok and he needs our help'. Having always had a battle i was speechless wondering what I had done so wrong before. He is never labelled naughty. He has an EHCP which I was told he would never get. They also work with me as a team which is something I didn't feel existed after what I had experienced before.

I am so sorry for what you are going through but you will move forward. Sending lots of hugs. Feel hypocritical telling you to stay strong but you really need to. Keep your head held high

I think there must be something else going on for your daughter linked to past trauma and either what's she has seen re dv or something she has experienced herself. It sounds to be some sort of cry for help? Either to get attention anyway she can to feel loved or to say something so she is made to feel safe. I agree that your daughter needs to feel the full weight of what she could be causing also perhaps you could ask her how she would feel if someone had been telling lies about her and saying she had done things she hadn't.

Honestly? She needs the riot act reading to her. You should have been clearly laying out the potential consequences of her lies from the beginning - you sound like you are afraid of her.

She's 9 - she needs a good talking to about how she could have ended up being taken in care, and how people are less likely to believe her in the future now she's a proven liar.

Her comments about holding all the power are genuinely disturbing.

I really feel for you and your son. Reading it from the outside, she sounds like a horrible manipulator. She's not a tiny toddler - she's old enough to understand that her actions might have serious consequences. In fact, her 'power' comments prove this.

I think it is relevant that she has been through domestic violence.

You say you fled it as a family.

DV can have an absolutely massive impact on a child and one way that some children cope is to tell the story of what happened to them but attribute it to other people.

Could she be telling the story of what happened but saying it was you rather than your ex?

Either way she has clearly been severely impacted by the DV and needs to get specialist help,

It would be unwise to punish her for lying until you have got her support for the impact that the domestic violence e has had on her.

Wow op how terrible. The fact your daughter didn’t care how she was deeply hurting you and wanting the attention sounds like she’s got narcissistic personality disorder. You have done an excellent job. I don’t know how you’ve coped with this. Sounds like she needs some serious help.