9 year old lying finally told truth

[IWantOut29]

I've rewrote this a few times now and now I'm crying because despite the fact shes now telling the truth about lying i'm worried strangers on the internet are going to think I'm lying 🤦‍♀️ I dont even know what I want from posting this, I've barely spoke to anyone aside from family about all of this because I've been so ashamed and paranoid people would think it was true. Now shes finally told the truth I still feel anxious and worried

Sorry, this is going to be long but basically my DD9 has been accusing me of hurting her for the last 18 months. The accusations have gotten bigger and bigger. She is suspected Autism/ADHD and is on the neuro referal pathway. She hurts herself at school frequently, vomits most days and has threatened to kill herself more times than I can count at school

We are on a child protection plan because although it has never been proven nor has she ever had any Mark's, because she has been consistent in her stories they said she was at risk of harm.

We were put on the plan during the 6 weeks holidays and I was really upset as school would of been able to prove that one accusation was 100% not true, but they couldnt ask they didnt attend the meeting as it was in the 6 weeks holidays. She said that I beat her up on holiday and slammed her head against the walls.... I did not go on holiday with her and she stayed in a teepee/tent kind of thing

I asked why when there was no proof or injuries or Mark's and they said because she had been consistent with what she had been saying she was at risk of harm.

Our social worker has been absolutely amazing and I have a good relationship with her. My DD recently had 8 weeks off school as she accused a teacher of hurting her too and there was a big investiagtion. During this time she was seen regularly by a counsellor and her social worker, plus she goes to the local community club and has days out with them.

She has recently gone back to school on a phased return and on the 2nd day I went to pick her up at the agreed time and could hear her crying in the safeguarding teachers room. I couldnt hear what she was saying, just heard her getting really upset saying she wanted to go home and the teacher saying she couldnt go home if what she was saying was true

This time, she had a meeting with an advocacy person about the allegation with the teacher and told her that I hadnt let her see anyone during the time she was off school, I didnt let her speak to her social worker alone, she doesnt have a quilt at home and that I beat her up on her birthday and punched her in the face..... I have loads of pictures/videos of her birthday and we were out all day with family too,

So I sent the social worker pictures/videos of days before/after and during her birthday, she could prove that she had seen DD alone and that DD has been to counselling sessions alone and that she has been to the clubs and days out alone.

The police said they were not going to investigate any further and were happy to leave it with social services but they did want to go round to the house to check DD had quilt and a pillow ect.

She spoke to the police and our social worker and told them all that it wasnt true, she thought because she was still having meetings about it that they wanted her to say she was being hurt, she didnt want them to call her a liar, she doesnt like the meetings because they always go silent and just look at her. She didnt want safeguarding teacher in the meeting with her and told our social worker it was because she didnt want the teacher to know she was lying

Me, school, social and the police have all said she wouldnt get in trouble for lying, we are all here to keep her safe and the police said to me after that hopefully seeing the police in person might show her that there are real consequences to her words. They also told me that she said to the social worker " I hold all the dominance now" and when asked what she meant she said "in the house, I hold all the power now" which the police said shows that she knows she has power behind her words

Unfortunatly they still havnt had the strategory meeting, it was supposed to be on the Wednesday, then the Thursday then the Friday but each day got moved again as someone or other couldnt attend. Soni assume it will be Monday now and I'm so anxious about it

I asked the police what would happen now as I was worried I was going to get arrested and they said I wouldnt be arrested, they wouldnt be investigating further and were leaving it with social. I am a very anxious person and said to them are you sure because I'm worried theres going to be an ambush and they said they had to tell me beforehand what they were going to say in the meeting and that they wernt going to do anything

My social worker has been brilliant all the way through this, has said how well we get on what a good bond we have, how happy and relaxed she is around me, has said it seems to be a school issue as it's only in school she says these things and that it was weird that she hadnt said any of these things to her, her counsellor or anyone else and said it to a complete stranger she had never met before.

I'm so relieved shes told the truth but I just feel so sad and empty about it. It's been such a stressful awful time, I've lost so much weight through the stress of it all, I havnt slept properly for months.

I feel horrible for her that its recorded down that she has told lies. With the police aswell shes 9 years old. What if somthing happens to her when shes older and she isnt believed because she told fibs when she was little?

I've felt horrible all the way throughout all of this. With the police the other day she looked so uncomfortable and I wanted to stroke her arm and give her a cuddle for reassurance but I didnt want the police to think I was trying to silence her. She kept looking at me for reassurance when they were asking her questions and I had to ask her not to look at me as I was worried the police would take that as she was scared to speak infront of me. I said all of this infront of the police and they said no not at all, sit with her it's fine.

I dont know why I'm so upset about it, shes told the truth now, social have always been really supportive all the way through this, I dont have to do anything on this plan it has all been arou f support for me DD, they havnt asked me to do a single thing

I cant stop crying tonight I dont even know what I. Hoping to gain from posting this, I just need to get it out of me

If you got to the end thank you for reading,

This is very outing so I may well ask mumsnet to remove it at some point,

Is she having intense psychological support? If you all fled DV, it’s not a big stretch to understand why she’s looking for power and attention, look what her lies have led to! Adult upon adult upon adult hanging off every word and validating her power. Has she seen a therapist, as opposed to counselling? What you’ve all been through is huge, and some therapy alone and together as a family should be in place. It’s good that these allegations are being investigated and believed but it’s not going to stop as long as she’s getting the power and validation from it. Has she been referred to CAMHS?

Poor child sounds like she's been traumatised by something in her younger years

Wow that’s a whole lot to deal with op and must be so hard. The truth is out now and now she needs support to help her learn to be honest in the future. They need to support her and you to get to the bottom of why this has happened. I’d be asking social work to try and get her diagnosis fast tracked as she is obviously a clever girl and perhaps knowing you have x this is why you feel y may be helpful to her.

Id be asking the school to record the incidents before these statements. If they link in with her having a meltdown in class/playground then there would be a link to the trigger. Could she perhaps feel that she is in trouble and to deflect then telling these tales so that people then feel sorry for her as opposed to angry at her for her earlier outburst?

I honestly cannot imagine how scary and hurtful it must be for you. I’ve known of a few cases like this, the truth always came out but the road there and in one case the results would not give u reassurance.
I truly wish you the best of luck in this next stage and hope that you feel supported by the school, SW and the police.

@IWantOut29 Please keep note of @nomoremsniceperson 's superb and accurate reply.
It has pulled into sharp focus exactly what is likely happening in your daughter's mind.

I'd say this answer is bang on the money.

Your daughter is highly manipulative, and you will be doing her no favours by mollycoddling while letting her be a bully to her brother and making all your lives an utter misery with her tissue of lies.

As a child, her making allegations will be taken seriously as she is a child, but as an adult, people won't care as much, and she could be in serious criminal trouble for lying.

When she is an adult, then what?
Will she be making up lies about men doing things to her?
Crying wolf is very dangerous.

She could end up in serious trouble as an adult liar.

Lying can become compulsive, 'rewarding' behaviour...She lies, and suddenly gets all the attention.

She sounds very jealous of her brother- but most siblings have to share their mother's love.

You pandering to her by 'helping to dress her' because your son needs genuine help in this regard is not doing any of you any favours.

It must be exhausting, but do take note of the post that @nomoremsniceperson made, and follow it- she sounds like she has professional experience of these behaviours.

I just wanted tell you that I know of another child with ASD who made accusations of being beaten at home.

I think the fact your DD has been struggling so much at school is the key here and what you ought to focus on. If she's been vomiting every day and threatening to kill herself she is in serious distress. See how things go with the changes at school and the counsellor but I think you might want to consider getting her more support e.g. child psychologist.

Your daughter is seriously struggling and her accusations are a symptom of that. I think you need to focus on making sure she is getting the support she needs for ASD and is coping better with school and life

Handhold, OP. You're been through and are still going through a terrible time. No advice but I think you would all benefit from counselling - you, DD, and DS too. Maybe some individual and some group sessions. There's a lot to work through.

Wishing you all the very best.

I'm another one who thinks this calls for more than counselling.

With ADHD it is not that unusual to lie to get out of things and give no thought to the consequences - and low self esteem will be at play here no matter how confident she appears at home. Some people with ADHD develop lying as a coping mechanism for anxiety - I would highly expect she is also very anxious although this might not be obvious to you either as I expect she is a master at covering it all up and perhaps even appearing overly confident.

I think escaping DV will have been extremely traumatic for her and on top of being ND it is all coming out in very problematic ways. Right now I'd be very worried about where this could be leading as she heads towards her teen years.

I'd start thinking about seeing if you can get a psychologist to work with her - but no doubt there would be a long wait or it would be very expensive. I wonder if school would be able to get an ed psych involved now that she has made serious accusations at school? That would be my first port of call.

I tried that and it didn't work! (Android)

My daughter is a compulsive liar and has told people I've hurt her, starved her, forced her to care for her siblings, the house work etc. her lures were limitless when she was younger. At 18 she was diagnosed with EUBPD and even at the beginning of that appointment , the psychiatrist came out and shouted at me for leaving a suicidal 18 yo in charge of a new born baby while my DH and I jetted off on holiday for 3 weeks and left her with zero resources. This was the first and only appointment I'd been allowed to come to and it was unexpected but she missed her bus. Hence me driving her and sitting in the waiting room.

Anyway, I was sat there open mouthed as the Dr told me off and I lost it, I started laughing hysterically and pointed out that

• we went away for 4 nights
• we don't have a newborn baby
• her siblings (age 7,10, 15) were with family around the corner
• she was actually looking after my birds and I paid her £80
• we had zero idea about any suicidal issues but they only tended to pop up when she'd been caught out lying.

So I went into the room with the Dr and my daughter and I told them the entire truth about her behaviour. They asked about her past. Her dad used to beat the break out of me and I didn't leave until she was 2 1/2-3 and so she saw/heard a lot. That's when she was diagnosed. She's 25 now and still lies but it is lessening. This week she had pneumonia but then was pissed off when the same day I couldn't look after her kids while she went bowling 🤷🏼‍♀️. But she only had pneumonia as I have it regularly in the winter. If I told her I had testicular cancer next week then she would have it the week after. She seems to lack a personality of her own and magpies other people's ailments and hobbies etc. She's a hypochondriac . But, she's taking tentative steps to start therapy which she desperately needs so I have to do my best to support her and be there for my grandkids.

EUBPD is quite common in females that have been through childhood trauma and the loss of a parent.

And the jealousy, my eldest daughter is HIDEOUSLY jealous of my youngest daughter. The other two kids are adult boys and she doesn't even really acknowledge their existence but she still expects to be prioritised as a 25 yo female over my teenage daughter that actually lives with me. Her tantrums are spectacular when she thinks there has been favouritism shown and she takes great pleasure in being a total monster to my youngest and has persecuted her at times but the day after she's sweetness and light and asking her to go sleep over and they can do make up etc. she also does this weird power play where she manipulates my husband to do what she wants knowing it goes against what I want. I've learned that it's easier to just disengage but she very much reminds me the type of woman that gets ego boosts from men choosing her over their wives etc. not that I have ever known her to do that but she can be very manipulative Indeed and doesn't have any real self worth or internal moral compass when she's in a mood. She just lashes out. But when she is stable, she's lovely and funny and warm.

Ah, I have an Android phone too (Samsung), so I just tried it again and it still worked for me. However, I used to use the Mumsnet app, and I could do very little within Mumsnet when I used it, so I now take the slightly longer route of going through Google to get to the Mumsnet website, and everything seems to work well accessing it in this way.

I can’t believe what I’ve read OP. You’ve been through so much and you’re still standing!!!

you’re so so strong for all of this

please PM me if you ever want a friendly ear xx

I don’t know how you’d go around this

the time in our house is ‘I’ll never be angry if you tell the truth. No matter what it is’

im really lucky though. I do know that and i bet it’s not even something you’ve done.

There is a group on Facebook called Theraputic Parenting which may help you as this is a common problem with some children particulary with your background of DV , hope it helps.

This is beautifully written. It's really a good reminder.

Oh OP you poor thing, it sounds like you’ve been through hell. You sound like a brilliant mum, you’ve supported your daughter through all of this and you don’t blame her at all or hold it against her for what she’s put you through, you’re amazing.

So sad that you were worried about posting on here for fear people wouldn’t believe you. I 100% believe you

I agree you need the support of a child psychologist here. Not to worry you but a family friend's daughter started telling similar lies to your daughter. She was a bit older, maybe 11 or so when it started. She made up all kinds of things about her parents from small lies to very large, very serious ones (violent physical abuse, sexual abuse, starvation etc). There was a clear anger in her (in her case likely because her parents were extremely selfish people who took from her rather than gave eg her mother deciding a piece of meat on her DD's plate in a restaurant looked nicer than her food so she just took it, swapping it for spicy tuna a small child couldn't eat). She was sent to live with her aunt who determined that she was struggling with self confidence at school and who thinks that the lies were to take back control. She refused to see her parents any more. When social services declined to formally remove her from her parents care she added more to the lies until it seems like SS felt there was no choice to remove her. She was adopted by another family and diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Her parents were told SS knew she had been lying at least some of the time. They were heartbroken at her removal. That was around 10 years ago and they've nof heard from her since.

OP I'm not telling you this story to scare you or because I think your DD will go the same way. I have said it because that little girl was crying out for help for many years and she never got it. She ended up going to extremes out of anger snd emotional damage. You seem like you are desperate to help your DD despite everything and that you have a strong bond. I hope if you get the right psychological support for your DD soon then she can go back onto the right path again and you can all be happy and safe. Don't let it drift, don't let anyone fob you off. Don't doubt you're a good mother.

No wonder you're shaking. You've had to hold it together for so long, feeling so worried, with the thought of everyone's eyes watching you and a serious allegation hanging over you.

Please find the money it will take to get your daughter to a psychiatrist.

The awareness of power on her part needs urgent investigation.

YYY to @Mnk711's post.

There is something behind all of this, OP, and you need to get expert help.

I would recommend a psychiatrist.

If you choose a psychologist, please be very careful to examine e their qualifications.

The awareness of power on her part needs urgent investigation.

What do you mean?
It doesn't take a psychiatrist to investigate why she thinks she has power!

This OP.

@DrBlackbird Just because a child has asd/adhd ( and by the way adhd children absolutely are aware of their actions and others feelings) There is no excuse for putting her mother through hell and making cruel lies about her and a teacher. Saying children have issues doesn’t give them carte Blanche to do what the hell they like and not suffer any consequences.

Hi Everyone, just an update

This thread received a lot of support ect and I had some private messages about it too, I still kind of want to delete this because it is very outing, but at the same time if another parent is going through the same at some point then maybe this would be helpful

My DD has not made another accusation about me or anyone else hurting her during the last time I updated, so around 3 months now.

Her behaviour has escalated at school where she had to have a day of intenal exclusion for threatening another child ( it was a very serious threat )

Social services have been nothing but supportive and kind throughout and I feel very lucky to have such a good team around me

During this last year I have been on ADHD meds and although they helped in many ways, the natives far outweighed the positives, lost my ability to socialise, hygiene lacked, household got very messy and untidy, as I had the stress eith all my DD ect I blamed the lack of motivation and emptiness on that. Until I joined a support group for ADHD and came across several people saying they felt how I felt, turns out if you have ASD and ADHD, the ADHD masks the ASD, taking ADHD meds usually highlight this

It's only been the last few months I've started to look into it and was really upset to find not only do I heavily mask a lot of autistic traits..... my DD also has these traits but she cannot mask

She has been rejected from CAHMs twice in the past when I wasnt sure what was going on with her

The past few months I've been researching and the more I read the more I am convinced DD has ASD. Social, school, everyone is in full agreement with me, I cant quite believe everyone is being so supportive, you hear so much about proffesionals dismissing parents concerns

Had a meeting with SS today and they have wrote in our plan that if CAHMs reject her for a 3rd time that they will back me up and told me it's okay for me to argue with the proffesionals if I think their wrong about her, then said that they would write an email to CAHMs highlighting the support DD needs and that they do not believe her behaviour comes from any neglect, abuse or trauma from home.

I said to them all today, how thankful I was and how much I appreciated everything they were doing and they said that it helped that I have always been open and honest with them and that I've always been willing to work with them, let them see the children whenever ect,

They told me I need to stop being so hard on myself and that I'm a brilliant advocate for her and that we all just need to learn how to support her in the right way

This is going to be a very long journey and I know we are no where near the end yet, but at the begining of this it was so frightening and scary, j had no idea what the outcome would be,

So of anyone else ever ends up in the same situation, I just want you to know that it will be okay, i was so worried my children would get taken away from me because of what DD was saying. But she hasnt, never has and all the professionals have fully supported my concerns about her and are going to help me get her the right support that she needs

I feel really really lucky, it's been a horrible dreadful time and I never want to go through that again with her, but the relief I feel that people believe what I am saying and are willing to back me up and help get her the support she needs.

Sorry if this is rambly I probably should of wrote a draft first

I’m so glad the picture is looking a bit clearer @IWantOut29

A diagnosis obviously won’t help on the sense it will make her difficulties go away, but what it will do is help you, and all the professionals she meets, understand her better. Best of luck with the diagnostic process 💐

Also happy things are becoming a bit clearer and although, no real solutions yet, you sound more positive.

I am really pleased you have found support from SS, it shows that if you're willing to help them help you and work together, it can help.

Wishing you well, make sure you concentrate on yourself too