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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset nobody invited us to mum’s surprise party

284 replies

Ncparentss · 20/01/2024 19:02

It was my mum’s 51st birthday on Monday. We gave her presents from ourselves and our little boy, really nice personal gifts that we put a lot of thought into. They’d just returned from a holiday so said they weren’t doing anything big for it.

On Tuesday, I FaceTimed her at 10pm and she picked up and looked a bit drunk, so I asked her if she had been drinking. He said she’d just got home from the pub as my step dad had arranged a surprise party for her with my sister and her fiancé (who I am very close to). She said it was amazing and ‘everyone was there’ and food had been prepared and everyone bought gifts etc. My little sister and brother (17 & 12) were also there.

Nobody had mentioned a thing to me or invited us.

My son is autistic and I’m guessing they didn’t invite us because of this (?). Last year for my mum’s 50th my step dad arranged a big surprise meal for her, again with my sister and her fiancé there. They told us they weren’t inviting us because DS would probably not be able to sit still for very long and ‘wasn’t the best environment for him’. I again was hurt by this a bit, but knew DS wouldn’t sit through a meal (it’s a struggle just us) so I understood. And at least they told me about it before it happened.

But I hadn’t even told about this, everyone was involved and invited and made a lot of effort with buffet prepared etc, and there were kids there. I would have liked to have popped in even just for an hour with DS to celebrate with them.

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me, but I do feel upset and am
most hurt by my sister who I thought was also one of my closest friends.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, my DS is nearly 4, non-verbal, autistic with developmental delay. But he is incredibly smart and very happy and sociable. He would have been fine for an hour or so and if he wasn’t, we would have left. If he ‘wasn’t coping’ we would of course remove him from the situation and go home.

AIBU?

OP posts:

shellyleppard · 20/01/2024 19:04

Sorry but that's really horrible leaving you out. Even if you could have stopped by for an hour......i hope they are ashamed of themselves

Echobelly · 20/01/2024 19:04

YANBU - they shouldn't just presume you can't come because of DS, and should have seen how hurtful it was to hide all of this from you.

Icantbedoingwithit · 20/01/2024 19:04

I would be incredibly hurt by that. As you say your son would have been fine for an hour or so. I don’t understand how they ALL could think this is ok!

LaviniasBigBloomers · 20/01/2024 19:05

Of course YANBU. Disgusting behaviour, I'd be very upset. And I'd be telling your step dad and your sister exactly what I thought about it. Your DS is their family; he deserves to be invited places. It's then up to you as his parents to manage that in the right way (as you say, leaving early, maybe just you going and not him and DP). But to not be invited at all is disgusting.

Candleabra · 20/01/2024 19:05

That’s awful. I also can’t believe your sister has gone along with this. I hate it when people don’t invite you to something then try and make out they’re being considerate and doing you a favour. Didn’t your mum notice and question why you weren’t there? She could have messaged you as soon as she got there to ask you to come. I’d be sad and angry with all my family to be honest.

hottchocolate · 20/01/2024 19:06

That's awful of them

I'm sorry OP

BalletBob · 20/01/2024 19:09

This is disgusting behaviour from all of them, including your mum. She may not have organised the party but as soon as she realised you weren't there she should have immediately demanded they call to invite you and apologise profusely.

I'm so sorry, OP. I'd be beyond hurt if my family did this. Is this representative of your relationship with them in general? Do they always exclude you and your son and treat you with such contempt? I'd struggle to get past this and would probably go very LC or NC. I certainly wouldn't allow my son to form close bonds (or any bonds) with people who exclude and mistreat him on the basis of his disability. Or for any reason, for that matter.

Sparkletastic · 20/01/2024 19:09

That's dreadful. I'd be messaging them to ask why your family wasn't included.

Muchof · 20/01/2024 19:09

I don’t think you should be most hurt by your sister, she couldn’t help it and for all you know she maybe tried to intervene. Your step father organised this so he seems t be the main one responsible but also your mother doesn’t seem to bothered about whether you are included or not. I would start by speaking to her on balance and honestly, I think you need to think about LC / NC.

My parents were not good parents in many ways, but I absolutely cannot imagine them inviting all my siblings to a celebration and not me.

Lighrbulbmo · 20/01/2024 19:10

She should ask why they didn’t invite you. I’d b so hurt if my family did this and excluded one of their siblings

notwalking · 20/01/2024 19:11

That's awful and very hurtful, I'm sorry OP.
It's deceitful as she will have hid the planning of the party from you as well.
As you say you could have just gone for a short period of time or you could have left ds home with dh and gone on your own. I would tell your sister how hurt you are by it.

PilatesForAll · 20/01/2024 19:11

Wtaf!

Lizzieregina · 20/01/2024 19:11

They’re a dreadful bunch and I’d be tempted not to bother with any of them again.

PermanentTemporary · 20/01/2024 19:14

Is it worth having the discussion with them, starting with your mum? Surely the best outcome would be the family actually getting over themselves and including your son. Worth a bit of conflict to try and move forward?

DillyDilly · 20/01/2024 19:15

That’s disgraceful behaviour and I would be letting your step-dad, mum and sister know how hurtful their behaviour is. I’d even consider going low contact with them.

I wouldn’t accept any of them blaming the other for this. They are all equally responsible imo.

Headlightshome · 20/01/2024 19:16

OP this is really sad, I’m sorry they treated you like this. Go gently on yourself as it’s really hurtful.

ExtraOnions · 20/01/2024 19:17

Message on the family WhatsApp to ask why you weren’t invited.

If they have excluded you because your child has a disability, make sure you tell them how awful that it

Then withdraw … this will only get worse

NewYearNewCalendar · 20/01/2024 19:17

That is absolutely horrible!

Honestly OP, I’d raise it. Because if you don’t this is going to keep happening, you’ll keep being upset, and at some point it’ll explode. Tell them that it’s not ok to leave you out because of DS. If it was me, frankly I’d expect family events to be planned with my DS in mind to be suitable for him. But at the very least, they should let you know the plans and ask you if you think DS would cope with it.

ZekeZeke · 20/01/2024 19:18

You were left out last year and that was a big event, your mum's 50th.
Did you express your disappointment at the time? Or were you very understanding.
If its the latter they probably didn't think you would mind (again).

They are an absolutely disgusting bunch and I would distance myself from them. It's very very hurtful being excluded.

Darkofnight · 20/01/2024 19:19

YANBU in the slighest!
This is awful, awful behaviour on the part of your family. Of course you feel very hurt.

You do need to bring it up with your sister.
Or do they plan on never inviting you to anything again?

I'm fairly mild-mannered usually but I actually feel furious on your behalf. I also have a child with asd.

AllTheShinyThings · 20/01/2024 19:20

Fuck the lot of them! I am really non-confrontational but this is really nasty. They have all colluded. I wonder what the dynamics are. Is this your step-dad making a point of excluding you and …everyone else goes along with it? Are they afraid of him? Do they not have a backbone?

Mywingshurt · 20/01/2024 19:24

A surprise party for a 51st birthday on a Tuesday night!? That's unreasonable in itself. But yes, cruel. I'd not be able to stay quiet.

TheCatterall · 20/01/2024 19:25

Nope nope no. If this was my family I’d have arranged an event so you could attend even if just for a wee while.

It wouldn’t have hurt them to work ‘with you’ rather than just exclude you.

Crappy behaviour from all of them.

LatteLady · 20/01/2024 19:28

I have to admit that I would be angry, not with your mother but with your step-father and sister. You should have been given the option to attend, it should have been your decision to decline, not somebody acting on your behalf. How do you family think that your son will learn to cope with social situations moving forward if you are not asked?

I think that this is really hurtful, and I have no doubt both of them will be defensive but you have to call this out now before the behaviour becomes embedded. You might have discussed this with your partner and done an hour each so you could have both enjoyed the party, but it is not for others to have made this decision for you.

I am now wondering who your sister will invite to her wedding...

spanishviola · 20/01/2024 19:33

Muchof · 20/01/2024 19:09

My parents were not good parents in many ways, but I absolutely cannot imagine them inviting all my siblings to a celebration and not me.

Why do people give the advice to go LC/NC in situations like this? This is something that hopefully can be resolved by having some conversations. OP is upset they weren’t invited so going NC when she clearly likes spending time with her family is just terrible advice.

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