To be upset nobody invited us to mum’s surprise party

[Ncparentss]

It was my mum’s 51st birthday on Monday. We gave her presents from ourselves and our little boy, really nice personal gifts that we put a lot of thought into. They’d just returned from a holiday so said they weren’t doing anything big for it.

On Tuesday, I FaceTimed her at 10pm and she picked up and looked a bit drunk, so I asked her if she had been drinking. He said she’d just got home from the pub as my step dad had arranged a surprise party for her with my sister and her fiancé (who I am very close to). She said it was amazing and ‘everyone was there’ and food had been prepared and everyone bought gifts etc. My little sister and brother (17 & 12) were also there.

Nobody had mentioned a thing to me or invited us.

My son is autistic and I’m guessing they didn’t invite us because of this (?). Last year for my mum’s 50th my step dad arranged a big surprise meal for her, again with my sister and her fiancé there. They told us they weren’t inviting us because DS would probably not be able to sit still for very long and ‘wasn’t the best environment for him’. I again was hurt by this a bit, but knew DS wouldn’t sit through a meal (it’s a struggle just us) so I understood. And at least they told me about it before it happened.

But I hadn’t even told about this, everyone was involved and invited and made a lot of effort with buffet prepared etc, and there were kids there. I would have liked to have popped in even just for an hour with DS to celebrate with them.

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me, but I do feel upset and am
most hurt by my sister who I thought was also one of my closest friends.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, my DS is nearly 4, non-verbal, autistic with developmental delay. But he is incredibly smart and very happy and sociable. He would have been fine for an hour or so and if he wasn’t, we would have left. If he ‘wasn’t coping’ we would of course remove him from the situation and go home.

AIBU?

I don't have kids and I don't bother inviting my friends/relatives with young children to things like this anymore. It's a waste of time because they say "maybe I can get a babysitter" and then "oh no I can't make it, can't you do [completely different child-friendly activity on completely different day at 9am]." (No, I don't want to go to a farm or soft play for my birthday).

It happens every. single. time. No one ever gets a babysitter.

Whether it's reality or polite excuse who knows. But I'm not asking anymore, especially when it's something where it's a hassle to get a "maybe" because you need to know numbers, or you end up with last minute dropouts.

I would be fucking fuming about this. And would be letting your stepfather know how I felt. Yes I’d be hurt that my sister didn’t tell me but stepfather is at fault here . He organised a party for your mum and didn’t tell you, he took the decision out of your hands on whether to go or not. This was your decision to make not his, you could and should have been invited to both parties, you know your son better than anyone and know how much he can cope with. I understand it was a surprise party but if I was your mother there’s no way he’d be getting off lightly about this. she’s your mother, your son is her grandson.
Don’t let this drop, if you do it’ll happen again. He’ll think he’s got the green light to exclude your son from everything else “for his benefit”.

I don't know your particular situation @moomoomoo27, but it's clear from what OP has described that she should have been invited to this occasion.

I don't think that's necessarily true, but it's hard to tell from the context. I know plenty of families who would know from past experience a babysitter wasn't viable and so didn't mention it. Some people think it's nicer that way.

I think in general @moomoomoo27 you are absolutely right, though in this particular case I would expect most of those people still get invited to their own mother's birthday party.

I agree if it had been a friend's dinner party and OP had pulled out of the last five invitations, I would be arguing the opposite.

That is pretty mean. Yanbu at all to feel upset.

Not too many people judging from the replies on here at least. Not for the circumstances OP has described.

It was OP's mother's birthday. All her siblings seem to have been there and there were kids present at the party.

I don't know anyone who would organise a birthday party for someone and not invite one of their children while inviting the others - all this when that person lived locally, was close to their parent and would very much have liked to attend.

That's in no way nicer? It's clear OP is extremely upset. If the organiser was trying to be nice (then they got this very, very wrong.

@Ncparentss

She said it was amazing and ‘everyone was there’ and food had been prepared and everyone bought gifts etc. My little sister and brother (17 & 12) were also there.

I'm surprised your mother said this OP, as it was obvious not 'everyone was there'. Has she since asked you why you weren't there? 🌹

A post pub party at 10pm is no place for a 4 year old but they should have invited you.

The party must have been earlier than that though. It was over and the guest of honour was home again by 10pm.

I going to be blunt here - does everything end up revolving around your son? Be truthfully honest.

I'm guessing there IS a reason you weren't invited even if its hard to admit.

That’s absolutely shocking and awful behaviour, I’d be so upset by this and never do this to another family member

What do you mean by ‘revolving around’. My non-verbal autistic son wouldn’t follow expected social rules (obviously) so for family events we would discuss how to include him as much as possible. That might be an earlier visit to the venue, looking for a babysitter (or me/dh doing it depending on which side of family), timing events with respite nights etc etc.

So this is the second time you have not been invited. To hell with that, i would send your mum a text telling her exactly how you feel, then don't contact her until they pair of them have apologised.

Wow! Leaving you out because your child is autistic? That is beyond shitty!

Time to have some frank conversations with your family, I think.

If it was your stepdad who organised it, then take it up with him. I'd also ask your siblings why none of them told you about it.

Don't take it out on your mum if it was a surprise for her - presumably she won't have seen the guest list in advance.

Why? Because people rarely change. And it sounds like OP's family will continue to leave her out of plans. So often it's easier to just remove yourself from these painful situations.

If the OP continually says the child can't be left with a babysitter, they can't go out, child can't sit still, doesn't like loud places, stays in a routine etc - if this is how it is most of the time (like last year) maybe they just presumed - rightly or wrongly 🤷‍♀️

This is awful . YANBU . It must be so hurtful for you . How dare they think they can decide if something is right for your child. It’s hard enough for the parents of a SEN child - you are the ones that have to deal with the situation - without family excluding you because it’s maybe a little annoying for them! Because that’s what it is .

I remember when my son ( autistic) was younger he used to be a bit of a handful . Not naughty , but he was non verbal so a lot of high pitched noises because he couldn’t communicate and he didn’t stay still . But , I was never a mom that would just let him run wild , I was a helicopter mom and if he was unsettled in a situation I would leave . But I would still try to do ‘normal’ things . Many a time we had to leave restaurants etc , if he was too unsettled we would leave or if it was maybe ruining others’ experience and I accepted that but it doesn’t mean I should have never tried .

My mom was in a relationship with a man that I didn’t like - he made it as clear as he could without saying , that he was annoyed by my sons presence and thought he could offer parenting advice - thankfully my mom is no longer with him but it ended badly as he wasn’t a nice person . Anyway , that’s besides the point but at this point she was completely besotted with him and living a very sociable life with him , something she didn’t have when I was younger so I was happy for her . But one day she sent me a text saying that she was having a bbq / party at their house on the weekend - as I was reading I thought it was an invite - then went on to say that she wouldn’t be inviting me , unless I could get a babysitter, as it wasn’t really the place for children. She’s very honest and wouldn’t lie to me and something told me this wasn’t her saying children couldn’t come ( his family had young children ) so I asked if no other children were going and she said yes they were but it wouldn’t be right for my son , as he ran around a lot. I got it out of her that actually lots of children were going , younger than my son . It really bloody hurt. I told her in no uncertain terms that if my son wasn’t welcome then I did not want to be welcome either. My mom was very upset and felt awful , it was clearly her partner , but it put a strain on us for a while. I would rather have just not been told . We didn’t live close to each other and weren’t in each others pockets - she had her life and I had mine . Had I heard after that she had had a party , I wouldn’t have questioned why I hadn’t been invited but the fact that she told me directly , in no uncertain terms that my son wasn’t welcome really cut deep. Straight after reading the message I looked at my little boy and cried for him . I can’t imagine how much this hurt you. I don’t agree with people saying to go NC but I think you should let them know exactly how much this has hurt you x

WTF. In my family an event would be arranged and worked out around the child with autism so that everybody could come. Just awful OP

I agree. Either that or no other children are invited and OP be told in advance that they are having an adults only get together and could she arrange a babysitter , at least then giving her an option rather than just inviting everyone except her. This has made me so sad for OP , it really has x

I would be taking a massive step back from them all. Let them contact you, ask what's wrong? then tell them. You can forgive them, but stay away for enough time that they realise it's shitty behaviour excluding a family member with a disability.

It's the second time they have cut you out and punished you for having an autistic child. In my world my children come first! always. Your mum didn't even have the grace to be embarrassed, she rubbed it in your face.

Did your mum not ask where you were? When she spoke to you on the phone she didnt ask why you werent there so she must have known you werent invited. She sounds as bad as the rest of them

You should have been given the opportunity to attend alone. It's your mum.

That's so so mean. I feel upset and angry for you. Let them be; that's not how family treat one another.