To be upset nobody invited us to mum’s surprise party

[Ncparentss]

It was my mum’s 51st birthday on Monday. We gave her presents from ourselves and our little boy, really nice personal gifts that we put a lot of thought into. They’d just returned from a holiday so said they weren’t doing anything big for it.

On Tuesday, I FaceTimed her at 10pm and she picked up and looked a bit drunk, so I asked her if she had been drinking. He said she’d just got home from the pub as my step dad had arranged a surprise party for her with my sister and her fiancé (who I am very close to). She said it was amazing and ‘everyone was there’ and food had been prepared and everyone bought gifts etc. My little sister and brother (17 & 12) were also there.

Nobody had mentioned a thing to me or invited us.

My son is autistic and I’m guessing they didn’t invite us because of this (?). Last year for my mum’s 50th my step dad arranged a big surprise meal for her, again with my sister and her fiancé there. They told us they weren’t inviting us because DS would probably not be able to sit still for very long and ‘wasn’t the best environment for him’. I again was hurt by this a bit, but knew DS wouldn’t sit through a meal (it’s a struggle just us) so I understood. And at least they told me about it before it happened.

But I hadn’t even told about this, everyone was involved and invited and made a lot of effort with buffet prepared etc, and there were kids there. I would have liked to have popped in even just for an hour with DS to celebrate with them.

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me, but I do feel upset and am
most hurt by my sister who I thought was also one of my closest friends.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, my DS is nearly 4, non-verbal, autistic with developmental delay. But he is incredibly smart and very happy and sociable. He would have been fine for an hour or so and if he wasn’t, we would have left. If he ‘wasn’t coping’ we would of course remove him from the situation and go home.

AIBU?

Yeah, that was really shitty behaviour from the rest of your family.

That is really horrible behaviour from all of them. I do think you need to talk openly and honestly about how they have hurt you otherwise this will keep on happening and you will get more and more resentful towards them (quite rightly). You should be able to talk to your own family without fear of being snapped at! So if they do that then are they even worth bothering with?!

Wow…. Honestly, fuck the lot of them, weaselly little shits.

Can’t be a very nice sister if she wouldn’t ask why you’re not invited?!

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me, but I do feel upset and am
most hurt by my sister who I thought was also one of my closest friends.

You really need to say something. Have you got a family WhatsApp? Just write ‘Hi all, I am a bit surprised that I didn’t receive an invitation to mum’s birthday celebration the other day, can you let me know why I wasn’t invited please?’

I take it maybe there aren’t other kids around so they tend to do evening-y things? Would you ever leave your child with his dad so you can take part?

They have all behaved appallingly. Just wanted to post to say I’m so sorry they have done this to you and I wish you well.

And yes, if they snap at you, then I would not want to be around people like that.

YANBU

As a mum to an autistic boy, I'm fuming on your behalf!!!

People are arseholes! My aunty didn't same thing, invited my brother and her grown up children and partners/kids - me and my kids and DH not invited in case my DS caused issues as he's ADHD

I mean it's pretty unreasonable to expect a pub to allow a 3 year old in at night. It wouldn't cross my mind to invite a child to a drunken pub birthday party. They'd be bored stiff and it would be inappropriate.

That’s awful, unacceptable behaviour from everyone, including your mum. If someone threw a party for me and didn’t invite one of my children and their family I’d have walked out. It sounds like blatant discrimination against your son to be honest. They think because he’s autistic it’s fine to exclude him from everything. Absolutely disgraceful. I would struggle to forgive this.

@moomoomoo27 There is such a thing as a babysitter. The OP's DC may have been bored stiff. Maybe her DH would have been too. Would still have been nice to give her the opportunity to attend her mum's birthday drinks.

Do you actually think it is reasonable not to invite her, or even tell her it was happening???

A late night in a pub with drinkers isn't a suitable environment for any 4 year old.
But there was no reason to leave you out. I think I'd have to ask why you weren't included because it feels a bit upsetting.

That's really out of order. I live close to my parents and all my siblings except one brother who is at the other end of the country. We always invite him to things like this even tho we know he definitely can't come!

I am sorry this happened to you. It says everything about them and nothing about you. I would go LC after this as the hurt is awful.

A similar thing happened to me a few years ago, not family but someone I thought was a friend. She had a massive party and everyone was there. I found out the next day when I saw photos on FB. The friendship never recovered as I was very hurt. I did see her at another party a few months later and said (I couldn’t help myself) that I would have come along if I had known about it. She just shrugged her shoulders. It showed me who she really was and I listened so walked away.

Your family are showing you who they really are so listen and go LC. I wish you a good and fulfilled life with your own family.

And you should absolutely call them out on this. I don't like to cause rifts and bite my tongue a lot but I would 100% raise this.

We have kids with behavioural issues. It means we literally can never attend an event as a family, and that is an awful reality to live with, but one of us goes along to maintain a semblance of normality. I would be pissed off if we weren't invited and given that opportunity.

I am sorry. They should have told you about it and invited you all. You should be making the decision on what your child can cope with.

We have a similar situation in my family. My youngest has various additional needs and we are not invited to my mother's birthday celebrations. We were whilst my dad was alive because he would never have had it any other way. But since he died and mother got a new partner, no invite for us in fact we've not been invited to her home (our family home) for 4 years. It really hurts. I think you should tell them it hurts.

Awful behaviour from your family op. I really feel for you as a similar event made me realise the ‘close’ family I thought I was apart of didn’t really exist.

My sister told me that my niece (her daughter) was having a hen party with just her young friends, so she was sure I wouldn’t want to go. I agreed.

My oldest sister then showed up a few weeks later and showed me the lovely photos from the hen weekend her, my other sisters, my aunties and even my nephews new girlfriends had gone on. Eldest sister was under the impression I had been invited and had turned it down.

When I had the nerve to get upset I was turned on by everyone for making my other sister feel guilty, and besides I had autism so wouldn’t have liked it anyway (despite me being quite the party animal before dc).

It was then I started to slowly notice the ‘missed’ invites, the forced smiles if I did actually turn up, proudly being shown the new wall of photos of ‘all’ the family sans me…then discovering the one photo with me in it placed inside the tiny guest toilet.

Is your stepfather your other siblings biological father? I’m the youngest of four siblings but the only one from DM’s last marriage. They put up with me when I was young enough to have to tag along with mum, then looking back, they promptly starting excluding me from things afterwards.

I’m still glad that I expressed how I felt at the time, despite it not doing much it made me feel a bit better. Don’t try to bottle up the feelings of hurt and rejection, you aren’t the one in the wrong for noticing how people are treating you.

The only reason they will snap at you if you say something is because they know they’re in the wrong. This won’t be the first or last time they have gone behind your back and tried to hide something from you, either. They’re nasty, shitty bastards who don’t deserve you and your little boy.

I’m so sorry 💐

Of course they should have invited you. I'd be hurt too.

I'm guessing after last time this is just what they do . But yes they are pretty shit.

That's really, really horrible of them. If you're genuinely close to your sister you should be able to talk to her about it. But if she's one of the people who you say would snap at you then you're not that close I think.

I'm curious about the family dynamic, are they all awful or just a few and the others go along with it? Does your step dad lay down the law for example?

Ultimately, if they all willingly treat you like that, and don't care how you feel about it, you'd do well to put some distance between you. Are your DH's family nicer?

That is fucking horrific @Ncparentss At least say to you it’s happening and you’re not invited, and your mother was just as cruel telling you everyone was ther and she was having a great time.
I would ignore them for a while. Really really horrible I’m so sorry.

It doesn't really matter if a 3 year old can or can't go to a party in a pub. This has been deliberately not mentioned to you by everyone including your sister, and I assume you speak often if you say you get on well. That would sting for me.

If they snap it's because they feel guilty.

A late night pub party isn't a place for a 4 year old. But they should have told you why.

Same.
Really shocked by this. How can your Mum think this is Ok ?