To be upset nobody invited us to mum’s surprise party

[Ncparentss]

It was my mum’s 51st birthday on Monday. We gave her presents from ourselves and our little boy, really nice personal gifts that we put a lot of thought into. They’d just returned from a holiday so said they weren’t doing anything big for it.

On Tuesday, I FaceTimed her at 10pm and she picked up and looked a bit drunk, so I asked her if she had been drinking. He said she’d just got home from the pub as my step dad had arranged a surprise party for her with my sister and her fiancé (who I am very close to). She said it was amazing and ‘everyone was there’ and food had been prepared and everyone bought gifts etc. My little sister and brother (17 & 12) were also there.

Nobody had mentioned a thing to me or invited us.

My son is autistic and I’m guessing they didn’t invite us because of this (?). Last year for my mum’s 50th my step dad arranged a big surprise meal for her, again with my sister and her fiancé there. They told us they weren’t inviting us because DS would probably not be able to sit still for very long and ‘wasn’t the best environment for him’. I again was hurt by this a bit, but knew DS wouldn’t sit through a meal (it’s a struggle just us) so I understood. And at least they told me about it before it happened.

But I hadn’t even told about this, everyone was involved and invited and made a lot of effort with buffet prepared etc, and there were kids there. I would have liked to have popped in even just for an hour with DS to celebrate with them.

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me, but I do feel upset and am
most hurt by my sister who I thought was also one of my closest friends.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, my DS is nearly 4, non-verbal, autistic with developmental delay. But he is incredibly smart and very happy and sociable. He would have been fine for an hour or so and if he wasn’t, we would have left. If he ‘wasn’t coping’ we would of course remove him from the situation and go home.

AIBU?

Oh sweetheart - that’s totally totally unreasonable and unkind of them. Can you chat to them about this as this will happen again and again otherwise. How bloody hurtful. I’m so sorry.

How mean.

I think I would have to tell my mum and my sister how hurt I was to be excluded and that I should at least be given the opportunity to choose to attend or not.

Their response would help me decide whether I wanted to stay in touch or not.

Well if you managed to read the whole post I did say she should talk to her mother. But yes, if that is not fruitful I think she may need to think about LC \ NC rather than live a life where her family treat her like shit.

That is incredibly cunty.

What on earth
is wrong with people? That is absolutely awful by each and every one of them. I’m so sorry for you and your family

Reminds me of the time my Dad mentioned they were holding a family bbq, and it clearly didn’t cross anyone’s mind to invite me and DH

What does your mum think?

My family all began behaving exactly the same once my dd was diagnosed with autism. And like that my mother would regale me after family events we had not heard about, and tell us 'everyone' was there.
Yours might have suggested it was for your child's benefit as they might not enjoy a noisy crowd. But I found that mine just didn't want someone with autism around to spoil the look for the family and ruin their buzz. My family don't do 'real', just surface bs.
Have been no contact for a few years now and that is a blessing. We make the most of friend relationships although it is sad not to have family.
It is a shock when your realise how poor some people's character is. There will likely be more pain to come I'm afraid, until you decide how you would like to deal with having such cruelty inflicted on you when a normal person would want to give extra love/ support.

Such a terrible thing to do, YANBU at all. So sorry you have been upset OP.

Agreed this was very mean. I think you should have been invited

I'm sorry💐

I'd be so hurt.

I think I'd need to ask why I was left out if I were you.

Ah OP that’s awful, and so unfair on you. my little boy is age 4 and also autistic, I would be upset naturally to think we had all been left out intentionally, worse still they’ve done it in secret and obviously hadn’t planned on telling you or you finding out.

I had this once, my mum, dad, bother and his then girlfriend had a family BBQ. My husband was away, I was home alone with a 2 year old and pregnant with my second when all of a sudden I saw a Facebook post with pictures of my family having this BBQ and the caption ‘family time’, I still remembered to this day how left out I felt and my husband was fuming.

so I understand how you feel. If it is anything to do with your son’s autism, then shame on them. They don’t deserve you or him in their lives x

I wonder if it was thought that as you/your family were not invited last year for a meal, that they would not invite you to the pub this year - esp a 4 year old child ?

You don't mention your sister having young children ? you only mention a younger sibling of 12 ?
Guessing the 12 year old is at secondary school ? and the almost 4 year old is at nursery.

If and I am only suggesting IF if it was an age of child thing, would you have accepted an invitation that excluded your child ? and IF it was suggested that if your husband wanted to go to then you would get a babysitter for your child ?

As your Mum didn't get home until 10pm, is it possible it was a time issue ? Perhaps it started at 7.30pm or 7pm, MAYBE it was thought that your 3 year old would be going to bed around then ?

Wow that’s awful. I find it hard to believe thought that your stepdad and your sister and all mutual friends are this nasty, I think probably one person spread the “OP won’t want to come because of her DS let’s not make her feel awkward by asking” rumour and everyone else shrugged and went along with it. I don’t know which person did that, perhaps you do.

I suggest that…

You tell your mum that there was some kind of cock up and no one told you that there was a party otherwise you would have loved to come and you’re sorry you weren’t there on her special day and you want her to know that you would have been there if you’d been told about it.

You tell your sister that you’re absolutely gutted to not have been invited to your mum’s birthday party and can she please keep an eye out in case stepdad tries this again and give you a warning if he does this

You speak to your stepdad sometime alone and say that it is your decision what your DS can and can’t cope with, and that not telling you about your mum’s birthday party is a really shocking thing to do to your mum and you’re not sure how it happened but can he please make sure that this never happens again?

Given your mum wasn't even embarrassed, so obviously doesnt think any wrong has been done, and your sister is your closest friend, so is clearly not a terrible person, (or youd have noticed by now?) it's looks like family lore has now become 'ncparehtss can't come to things because DS wouldn't cope.'
Ask them why you weren't asked. Tell them it hurt you. Take it from there.

Aww sorry that's happened to you OP! That is so incredibly rude to not invite you. It's your decision to make as the parent what environment your child can and can not cope with. Making the decision on your behalf and thus excluding you is so hurtful and to not even tell you. I'd be furious. Maybe to keep the peace just have a quiet word with your step father (if that's who organised it) that next year you'd like to be invited and you were a little hurt this year.

Ask them directly - each of them - why you had not even been told about the celebration.

Why are people so unkind? I'm so sorry, @Ncparentss.

Its horrible to not be told or asked. It sounds like since they did it before, they now assume it will be a blanket thing. I would ask them if in future they could talk to you rather than assuming they need to exclude you as there may be things you can do like come for a short while and then leave before your DS gets overwhelmed. I would also say that surely they cannot mean to exclude you and your family from all group events in future. You sound like you are really sensitive to the potential for disruption that may happen, but I wonder if their perception of it is different from yours? Not saying this is happening here, but I have been around parents who told me their child has done really well at an event, and that is probably true from their perspective. But from mine it has been really unpleasant. You would hope with family and friends people would accept this (which is why I dont say anything). But I must admit to having some friends where it is a relief if they come without their children to something.

That's really upsetting for you, YANBU at all!

awful behaviiour Sorry OP

PS - its not your sisters fault. I would not bring her in to it. It is your mum and step dad who you need to discuss this with.

I am horrified that anybody voted that you are being unreasonable.

This is awful.

You are focussing on your DS as the possible reason for being excluded, and I am sure you are right. If so, that is totally inappropriate. If anything, they should be seeking to include him in family events and you should be deciding when that is not the right choice.

Are there really no other reasons? No argument that you can think of?

Not ok. I would have a chat with hike step dad (and mom).

'Everyone was there' would hurt so bloody much. Your own mother doesn't seem upset you weren't there - and she's OK telling you.

I'd be incredibly upset. You're not at all unreasonable.