To be upset nobody invited us to mum’s surprise party

[Ncparentss]

It was my mum’s 51st birthday on Monday. We gave her presents from ourselves and our little boy, really nice personal gifts that we put a lot of thought into. They’d just returned from a holiday so said they weren’t doing anything big for it.

On Tuesday, I FaceTimed her at 10pm and she picked up and looked a bit drunk, so I asked her if she had been drinking. He said she’d just got home from the pub as my step dad had arranged a surprise party for her with my sister and her fiancé (who I am very close to). She said it was amazing and ‘everyone was there’ and food had been prepared and everyone bought gifts etc. My little sister and brother (17 & 12) were also there.

Nobody had mentioned a thing to me or invited us.

My son is autistic and I’m guessing they didn’t invite us because of this (?). Last year for my mum’s 50th my step dad arranged a big surprise meal for her, again with my sister and her fiancé there. They told us they weren’t inviting us because DS would probably not be able to sit still for very long and ‘wasn’t the best environment for him’. I again was hurt by this a bit, but knew DS wouldn’t sit through a meal (it’s a struggle just us) so I understood. And at least they told me about it before it happened.

But I hadn’t even told about this, everyone was involved and invited and made a lot of effort with buffet prepared etc, and there were kids there. I would have liked to have popped in even just for an hour with DS to celebrate with them.

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me, but I do feel upset and am
most hurt by my sister who I thought was also one of my closest friends.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, my DS is nearly 4, non-verbal, autistic with developmental delay. But he is incredibly smart and very happy and sociable. He would have been fine for an hour or so and if he wasn’t, we would have left. If he ‘wasn’t coping’ we would of course remove him from the situation and go home.

AIBU?

I'd be so hurt!

Awful

Tell them it hurt you. Take it from there.

I agree - I think you need to calmly tell them. Its hard enough to have a chid with additional needs. Your family should support not exclude you both. It is hurtful in so many careless ways.

did you say anyting last year-theyre so out of order ot not even invite you at least

If I were you I’d be absolutely livid that I had been excluded. If I were your mum, I’d also be livid that my daughter and grandchild had been excluded!

I’m upset for you and your dear little boy. What sort of people are they that they can’t accept a child who is different 😡

You’re definitely not being unreasonable being upset by this. It’s incredibly unfair not to invite you. Why didn’t your mum text you when she noticed you weren’t invited? I’d be stepping back a little from them all as that would really upset me

You need to say something. Will your sister really snap at you for this, if you two are close ? I can't understand why she didn't mention it, even if she thought you couldn't go along.

What did your Mum say ?(She must have realised you didn't even know about it)

This.

If they're not tripping over themselves with embarrassment, get rid.

So sorry this has happened OP, proper twatty behaviour.

Maybe you could show your family this thread, OP? If they genuinely did not mean to exclude you, they might reflect on how this is exactly what they have done, how hurtful and thoughtless they have been, beg your forgiveness and do better going forwards, much better.

God I'm so sorry, that's awful.

Lots of love x

Awful (parent of an autistic son). I was always invited. If it was an event my son wouldn‘t manage we would adapt it. For example my parents had a huge party for big birthday/big wedding anniversary and we took my son along early before any guests so he could see the venue and my parents.

I agree. No wonder you're hurt, especially on little DS's behalf. But rather than cutting yourselves off from the family, I'd try at least to tell them how simply you would have coped with any problems that arose, and that you would like to be included from here on.

Exactly the same situation in my so called family. Lone parent with two children with additional needs who have been excluded from family life for as long as I can remember. It’s not to do with the needs of my children as It was happening way before I had them. My eldest is now an adult and it’s breaks my heart that they question why we are excluded. My only way of coping is to go low contact and I’ve created a life away from my family with a small group of true friends who always include my children and I in their plans. I’ve spent too many years questioning it all and have decided that I just have to accept that we are just an afterthought to them.

This is so upsetting OP, it’s more than unreasonable it’s cruel. To not even tell you about it. I would absolutely have to call my sister out on this. I’d suggest waiting until you’re feeling calm and when it’s perhaps just you with her.

OP, my son is 11 and profoundly autistic, non-verbal and with massive learning disabilities. It was my parents-in-laws' golden wedding last year and do you know what they (and the BIL who organised a lot of it) did? They found a pub with a lot of accessible outside space for him to self-regulate because he doesn't sit still for more than five mins at a time and a private-ish enclave so it wasn't so tricky for him with too many other people close by. Because he's as much part of the family as anyone else and they wanted to celebrate with him there. That's what's normal, not what your family have done. You and your little lad deserve way better. Hugs x

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me

OP that probably says more about your relationship with them than even not getting an invitation. More generally how are they with you? Are you the black sheep/scapegoat and sis is the golden child? Do you always come way down their list?

Based on that comment about how they'd snap at you there has to be more to it than this and maybe it's time to rethink how you interact with them.

That is appalling. I’m so sorry, OP, I can’t even imagine how hurt you must be. I do think you need to address it, with your sister or your mum.

Did you post last year, re the restaurant? It’s ringing bells, but I may be mistaken.

Was the party in a pub at night? Of course you don't take a 4yr old there. But you should definitely have been told because maybe you'd have organised a babysitter.
It's the bit being given a choice that hurts.
:(

I would have had to drive over there, with DS in pyjamas, right there and then, and joined in late. How terrible for you.

How utterly mean. I could understand if it were just their older friends and siblings but to have all their kids, bar you is cruel.
Explain how you feel, expect a proper apology and a change of behaviour in the future.

Do you have good enough communication where your sister could have just invited you and not your DS? I expect that you have a baby sitter available for when you and your DH go out for adult time. Or is it a situation where they know you can never be invited on your own? And assume you will not come to late night festivities?

It is acceptable that night parties do not include children between the ages of 1 and 12. Just like weddings, people can choose to have child free parties.

Do you think your father just assumed you would not go? Maybe he didn't plan to hurt you.

I would so be wanting to hear the explanation.

Let us know.

It’s absolutely dreadful of them. I don’t know what to say. Terrible. If there’s a family chat I’d put on there how hurt you are. If not I think you have to speak to them about it and explain how hurt you are. That would take some getting over. If you ever can

This is so hurtful, definitely have a face to face conversation with your Mum and SD without your son present so you can be completely honest about your feelings on this. Then the same for your sister. It’s incredible that they don’t realise how hurtful this is, there will be no misunderstanding about future invitations.

I'd be incredibly hurt too. Maybe they thought an evening pub party wasn't suitable for a 4 year old (even without the autism) but they should have asked you to go, you could have got a babysitter.

I do have a child with severe autism, and there are places/situations he can't manage. I'm the best judge of that. If I thought he wouldn't manage, and a pub at night could be an issue, I would still try to go to a family birthday and have left my son with his father. I would expect my family to have that conversation with me.

Wow that's horrible. You need to say something. Your family need to understand how hurtful this is.

Unless they told you that then you are making some backstory, maybe actually find out first before assuming anything