To be upset nobody invited us to mum’s surprise party

[Ncparentss]

It was my mum’s 51st birthday on Monday. We gave her presents from ourselves and our little boy, really nice personal gifts that we put a lot of thought into. They’d just returned from a holiday so said they weren’t doing anything big for it.

On Tuesday, I FaceTimed her at 10pm and she picked up and looked a bit drunk, so I asked her if she had been drinking. He said she’d just got home from the pub as my step dad had arranged a surprise party for her with my sister and her fiancé (who I am very close to). She said it was amazing and ‘everyone was there’ and food had been prepared and everyone bought gifts etc. My little sister and brother (17 & 12) were also there.

Nobody had mentioned a thing to me or invited us.

My son is autistic and I’m guessing they didn’t invite us because of this (?). Last year for my mum’s 50th my step dad arranged a big surprise meal for her, again with my sister and her fiancé there. They told us they weren’t inviting us because DS would probably not be able to sit still for very long and ‘wasn’t the best environment for him’. I again was hurt by this a bit, but knew DS wouldn’t sit through a meal (it’s a struggle just us) so I understood. And at least they told me about it before it happened.

But I hadn’t even told about this, everyone was involved and invited and made a lot of effort with buffet prepared etc, and there were kids there. I would have liked to have popped in even just for an hour with DS to celebrate with them.

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me, but I do feel upset and am
most hurt by my sister who I thought was also one of my closest friends.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, my DS is nearly 4, non-verbal, autistic with developmental delay. But he is incredibly smart and very happy and sociable. He would have been fine for an hour or so and if he wasn’t, we would have left. If he ‘wasn’t coping’ we would of course remove him from the situation and go home.

AIBU?

That's really awful.

I'm so sorry.

Wow thats horrible OP. Im looking at your Mum here.
As a mum and Grandma myself, if any family memeber had orangaised a surprise party for me and not invited my daughter and grandchild I'd be calling them out on it . Why does your Mum think this is OK

There is a lot of assumptions you are working off.

1. your mum might not know you weren't invited, she might think you decided you couldn't make it
2. you are assuming your sister knew you weren't invited

Did you discuss your mum's birthday with your siblings in advance? Did you ask about her birthday? I'm curious to know if they knew and lied/deliberately said nothing if it wasn't discussed and they assumed you knew.

Sometimes people are crap but I would be clear and calm about being pissed you were excluded. But I'd find out how many people to be pissed at first! It might just be her husband or it might be the whole lot of them.

*I'd be pissed to be excluded

That's terrible op.

I hope you pull them up about this and go through them all.

That's shit.

That's awful but you would be very VERY unreasonable to not say anything! Please stick up for your little boy

I would be really hurt, they sound appalling excluding you and their grandchild is awful. You sound lovely and so does your son it’s there loss.

Huh?!?! Did you not read the OP properly?!?!

Not many families are anal enough to have a 'family WhatsApp group' 🙄😆

Did you not say anything?

I would be seriously tempted to cut them off permanently.

💐
That's pure shit.

At an absolute minimum they could have invited you and your DH could have looked after your DS.

I would 100% raise this with your step dad and your mum.
amazed your mum is "fine" with it...

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.
It's so cruel and nasty of them to leave you out.

They sound absolutely dreadful. Horrible people. I too would be extremely hurt by this OP.

I would be fuming and have it out with all of them, you could also have got a babysitter if you'd wanted to, I'd be even more fuming with my sister, she is supposed to have your back. X

They snap at you for mentioning how shit it is to exclude your autistic son?

If they don't apologize and include you in everything going forward I would be considering whether I wanted contact with any of them. Not just because it's hurtful for you but because your son is going to realise what's happening as he gets older. It will affect his self esteem.

I agree - don't have a go at your sister. Find out what she felt about it, but if she didn't fight your corner then she needs putting straight too.
You need to let your mother & step father know how upset you are. It's not good enough to leave you out because of your son's disabilities - he is no less a member of the family than anyone else and they should all be supporting you not excluding you. My heart goes out to you. Hope you manage to sort things out x

Looking at your post again, I feel you need to stand up to your parents more and don't allow this snapping at you around the subject of your son to be acceptable - it isn't! It's being done to shut you down. Stay calm and just state that you are extremely hurt by their actions.

The fact that they did this to you previously on your mother's 50th, a big family celebration, was diabolical, but you accepted it. It wasn't acceptable.

It's very hard to stand up to some people, I know, but you must be harder and not take any shit - for your son's sake. We are all behind you! X

It is acceptable that night parties do not include children between the ages of 1 and 12. Just like weddings, people can choose to have child free parties.

@user1492757084
OP said that there were other kids in attendance so this party was not a child-free one though.

I also don't think the party can have been that late night anyway if the guest of honour, OP's mum, was home again to take a call from OP at 10pm.

I agree OP should have been invited in any case. As you say, childcare arrangements could have been made by her and DH if necessary.

I’d be gutted. Are you going to speak to your sister?

I don't agree that the sister isn't responsible as well. If they are as close as op says then she knows exactly how op feels.

Your family sound pretty horrible. Is your your sister your step dad's daughter?

Wow. I’d be so hurt and angry. I’d message my sister this: ‘so I spoke to mum and heard about the party. I guess we aren’t family anymore. I wish you’d had the guts to tell me yourself.’ And then ignore. What a cowardly cruel thing to do.

They told us they weren’t inviting us because DS would probably not be able to sit still for very long and ‘wasn’t the best environment for him’

"Would probably not be able to sit still for very long"
Then again he may have been, but you'll never know now.

Surely that's not for your SF to decide, if he didn't want him there at least have the balls to say so and not just assume that this would have been the case.

@DogLover24 yes I did, eventually, they all apologised and said they didn’t even think of inviting me. The upset was already caused by that point though, the problem with my family is if I mention anything to my Mum I’m unhappy with in particularly, I’m accused of having a chip on my shoulder, so now I’ve given up.
I had a huge argument with my Mum before Christmas, all the times I felt pushed out etc including how she was in hospital earlier in the year but rather than tell me first, her and my Dad decided to post it all other Facebook then decide to message me once I had seen the post. But tbh my family are whole other thread really.

This is awful OP, I’m so sorry.
I don’t ever really say this but I’d cut them off completely after that.