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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset nobody invited us to mum’s surprise party

284 replies

Ncparentss · 20/01/2024 19:02

It was my mum’s 51st birthday on Monday. We gave her presents from ourselves and our little boy, really nice personal gifts that we put a lot of thought into. They’d just returned from a holiday so said they weren’t doing anything big for it.

On Tuesday, I FaceTimed her at 10pm and she picked up and looked a bit drunk, so I asked her if she had been drinking. He said she’d just got home from the pub as my step dad had arranged a surprise party for her with my sister and her fiancé (who I am very close to). She said it was amazing and ‘everyone was there’ and food had been prepared and everyone bought gifts etc. My little sister and brother (17 & 12) were also there.

Nobody had mentioned a thing to me or invited us.

My son is autistic and I’m guessing they didn’t invite us because of this (?). Last year for my mum’s 50th my step dad arranged a big surprise meal for her, again with my sister and her fiancé there. They told us they weren’t inviting us because DS would probably not be able to sit still for very long and ‘wasn’t the best environment for him’. I again was hurt by this a bit, but knew DS wouldn’t sit through a meal (it’s a struggle just us) so I understood. And at least they told me about it before it happened.

But I hadn’t even told about this, everyone was involved and invited and made a lot of effort with buffet prepared etc, and there were kids there. I would have liked to have popped in even just for an hour with DS to celebrate with them.

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me, but I do feel upset and am
most hurt by my sister who I thought was also one of my closest friends.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, my DS is nearly 4, non-verbal, autistic with developmental delay. But he is incredibly smart and very happy and sociable. He would have been fine for an hour or so and if he wasn’t, we would have left. If he ‘wasn’t coping’ we would of course remove him from the situation and go home.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Startyabastard · 24/01/2024 00:02

Awful. Horrible of them to rub your face in it too!

BarbieDangerous · 24/01/2024 00:52

How can there be 11 pages and the OP hasn’t even come back to the thread?!

OldPerson · 24/01/2024 02:42

Ouch. You may have a high-maintenance family unit, but you're still family, and still making a huge effort to be integrated with family. I'd sit down with your sister initially, and explain your pain at missing out on this family occasion. You are flexible. Your family should also be flexible. I don't understand the dynamics - Do they want your son to be part of the family? Or are they easily annoyed by any disruption to a family occasion? And why is it always your mum's Birthday? Surely you have lots of other family occasions inbetween???

Phoenixfire1988 · 24/01/2024 03:02

Im going against the grain here but your interpretation of your ds and everyone else's are clearly 2 different things you think hes a sweetheart they clearly see different .
I personally don't see anything wrong with not in inviting you if your son causes mayhem and you're sat there with a smile pretending it's not happening there is a reason they don't invite you look a little closer as to why

Spicastar · 24/01/2024 04:56

I'm so sorry you were treated this way. Not ok AT ALL. You need to raise this, otherwise it will continue. You could explain what you said here, that you could have popped in for an hour and see how it goes for your DS. It's possible your folks are not comfortable around your DS (a lot of people rather minimise contact if they don't know how to interact with someone), but that's not acceptable. They need to learn. You are all family and this is very cruel treatment even if it's unintentional/ignorant.

Spicastar · 24/01/2024 04:59

Phoenixfire1988 · 24/01/2024 03:02

Im going against the grain here but your interpretation of your ds and everyone else's are clearly 2 different things you think hes a sweetheart they clearly see different .
I personally don't see anything wrong with not in inviting you if your son causes mayhem and you're sat there with a smile pretending it's not happening there is a reason they don't invite you look a little closer as to why

Edited

And where on earth did you read that the child causes mayhem when the mum just smiles?
You're packing a lot of assumptions in there to justify the unjustifiable. Excluding one's own daughter and grandchild is fine in your circles?

Tourmalines · 24/01/2024 05:34

Phoenixfire1988 · 24/01/2024 03:02

Im going against the grain here but your interpretation of your ds and everyone else's are clearly 2 different things you think hes a sweetheart they clearly see different .
I personally don't see anything wrong with not in inviting you if your son causes mayhem and you're sat there with a smile pretending it's not happening there is a reason they don't invite you look a little closer as to why

Edited

You’re not just going against the grain but you are making up stories in your own head about op and her child .

Zerosleep · 24/01/2024 05:41

I’m so sorry OP but that’s your mum and you are NOT being unreasonable. Your step dad needs to get over himself, your DS is autistic and so what….you will manage that yourself in the context of what is going on but no need for him to exclude you. I would be absolutely fuming, you need to call them on this now or it will continue.

restie · 24/01/2024 05:48

Wow ! I can understand the meal situation a bit more, esp that it was discussed beforehand...as it may have caused additional stress for your son, you guys etc.... but this party? That's bang out of order. Your son is her grandson and as equal as the other grand children he and you should have been equally welcome..his needs are his needs, his way of being and behaving are him and should be unconditionally accepted not just selected for certain situations... especially as you say, you would ensure that if the environment was over stimulating or causing him to be particularly unsettled you would adapt accordingly by shortening your stay. So sorry op x

Cotonsugar · 24/01/2024 07:27

Phoenixfire1988 · 24/01/2024 03:02

Im going against the grain here but your interpretation of your ds and everyone else's are clearly 2 different things you think hes a sweetheart they clearly see different .
I personally don't see anything wrong with not in inviting you if your son causes mayhem and you're sat there with a smile pretending it's not happening there is a reason they don't invite you look a little closer as to why

Edited

Her son doesn’t cause mayhem. If you can’t say anything nice …

stardustbiscuits · 24/01/2024 07:44

Hello, maybe also going against the grain but was it a party? What makes a party - I’d say more than 4 adults. You’ve only mentioned mum, stepdad, their kids and sister + her husband getting together to exchange presents and eating food. I’m guessing that you also got together separately to exchange presents, without your sister present.
I ask just to suggest you look at it with a different perspective. My family are very liable to thinking they’ve been ‘left out’ all the time - but in practice, every get together doesn’t include everyone - that would become awfully hard work. Is there a chance you’re being a little sensitive? There is lots of ASD in my family and it make us a bit more susceptible to feeling that way.

Tourmalines · 24/01/2024 07:51

stardustbiscuits · 24/01/2024 07:44

Hello, maybe also going against the grain but was it a party? What makes a party - I’d say more than 4 adults. You’ve only mentioned mum, stepdad, their kids and sister + her husband getting together to exchange presents and eating food. I’m guessing that you also got together separately to exchange presents, without your sister present.
I ask just to suggest you look at it with a different perspective. My family are very liable to thinking they’ve been ‘left out’ all the time - but in practice, every get together doesn’t include everyone - that would become awfully hard work. Is there a chance you’re being a little sensitive? There is lots of ASD in my family and it make us a bit more susceptible to feeling that way.

It was a birthday celebration. A celebration only takes two people to participate, however in this case it was more, and she was not invited. Your theory is invalid .

tamade · 24/01/2024 08:17

OP, you should not have rolled over the first time. Now they are acting like they can exclude your son and you whenever they feel like it. I get the feeling he not regarded as a real part of the family because he is autistic. Just writing that I feel shit and angry. What sort of Grandmother doesn't want all the GCs at her birthday?

And they will "snap at You" if you say anything?

If I was you it would be fucking "stand-by".

SecondChancesAtLife · 24/01/2024 08:24

Havent rtft but my heart absolutely broke reading your op.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from them.

At my wedding g we had the whole family including two cousins who both have autistic dc. So not even close relations - but we would never have excluded them. The children were wonderful, a bit noisy yes but wonderful. Made our day having the little ones there.

Your family are awful op 💐

Timeisallwehave · 24/01/2024 09:20

I’d not forgive this, you do get this kind of exclusion elsewhere with Sen children. It’s hard enough to disregarding then. To have your own family do it is heartless of them.

JimnyTCat · 24/01/2024 10:30

People who have 3 year olds get invited to parties all the time- they may or may not bring the child. If a pub hosts a family function (funerals, birthdays etc) , kids of all ages are usually present; the parents may then choose to go but leave earlier (as OP would have done on this occasion).

morbidd · 24/01/2024 10:56

This story has now made its way into the news on

https://www.birminghammail.co.uk/black-country/i-wasnt-invited-mums-surprise-28496285?fbclid=IwAR2utZOAed656KOMUukC9HtZWSGGwB7bnvB0xHRG8ym-TA88x8-aGR3adccaemAfW398ENA3sNWkpdWtQAsod61gNLPVPBa8PuySz-KcK6dXhKvOgXl5Tt4U2gMfGoxK0

Rosscameasdoody · 24/01/2024 10:58

Phoenixfire1988 · 24/01/2024 03:02

Im going against the grain here but your interpretation of your ds and everyone else's are clearly 2 different things you think hes a sweetheart they clearly see different .
I personally don't see anything wrong with not in inviting you if your son causes mayhem and you're sat there with a smile pretending it's not happening there is a reason they don't invite you look a little closer as to why

Edited

You should be ashamed of this post.

Jumpingthruhoops · 24/01/2024 11:51

Phoenixfire1988 · 24/01/2024 03:02

Im going against the grain here but your interpretation of your ds and everyone else's are clearly 2 different things you think hes a sweetheart they clearly see different .
I personally don't see anything wrong with not in inviting you if your son causes mayhem and you're sat there with a smile pretending it's not happening there is a reason they don't invite you look a little closer as to why

Edited

Wow! Did you mean to say that out loud!?

RainbowNinja77 · 24/01/2024 20:28

Urgh - this hurt my heart to read. I’m so sorry. It’s bad enough as it is, but to think it’s because of bigotry towards your son is just horrific. You have every right to be upset xx

BarbieDangerous · 24/01/2024 20:58

Phoenixfire1988 · 24/01/2024 03:02

Im going against the grain here but your interpretation of your ds and everyone else's are clearly 2 different things you think hes a sweetheart they clearly see different .
I personally don't see anything wrong with not in inviting you if your son causes mayhem and you're sat there with a smile pretending it's not happening there is a reason they don't invite you look a little closer as to why

Edited

You just made that up🤣

Snowdogsmitten · 24/01/2024 21:26

BarbieDangerous · 24/01/2024 20:58

You just made that up🤣

Show quote history

Didn’t they just? What a mad poster.

Lm2 · 24/01/2024 23:56

Absolutely agree we as a family have been in this situation , it was made out to be our fault then we didn’t speak for a year . Then after the birth of our daughter we made contact with our narsistic mil . All was ok for 9 years then here we go again …… not spoken for 4 years . If she would have acknowledged the feelings of hurt it could have been a very different story but she didn’t and I’m not having this kind of pick and choosy behaviour around my children so opted out of a relationship and have never looked back .
that’s not to say I’m hoping your family memebers feel mortified that u feel this way and do all they can to make this situation better .

AnonoMisss · 25/01/2024 00:21

Ncparentss · 20/01/2024 19:02

It was my mum’s 51st birthday on Monday. We gave her presents from ourselves and our little boy, really nice personal gifts that we put a lot of thought into. They’d just returned from a holiday so said they weren’t doing anything big for it.

On Tuesday, I FaceTimed her at 10pm and she picked up and looked a bit drunk, so I asked her if she had been drinking. He said she’d just got home from the pub as my step dad had arranged a surprise party for her with my sister and her fiancé (who I am very close to). She said it was amazing and ‘everyone was there’ and food had been prepared and everyone bought gifts etc. My little sister and brother (17 & 12) were also there.

Nobody had mentioned a thing to me or invited us.

My son is autistic and I’m guessing they didn’t invite us because of this (?). Last year for my mum’s 50th my step dad arranged a big surprise meal for her, again with my sister and her fiancé there. They told us they weren’t inviting us because DS would probably not be able to sit still for very long and ‘wasn’t the best environment for him’. I again was hurt by this a bit, but knew DS wouldn’t sit through a meal (it’s a struggle just us) so I understood. And at least they told me about it before it happened.

But I hadn’t even told about this, everyone was involved and invited and made a lot of effort with buffet prepared etc, and there were kids there. I would have liked to have popped in even just for an hour with DS to celebrate with them.

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me, but I do feel upset and am
most hurt by my sister who I thought was also one of my closest friends.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, my DS is nearly 4, non-verbal, autistic with developmental delay. But he is incredibly smart and very happy and sociable. He would have been fine for an hour or so and if he wasn’t, we would have left. If he ‘wasn’t coping’ we would of course remove him from the situation and go home.

AIBU?

First thing I'd have done is messaged my sister (calmly) to ask why she or anyone else didn't mention it? If you are close why isn't that a conversation that's already been had?

Mikki77 · 25/01/2024 07:40

I would be really hurt.
My niece is non verbal and hates party situations. However I always invite my sister and her family. I know they can't come but that's not really the point is it, they are family .
So sorry this has happened to you. Maybe talk to your sister in a couple of days to tell her how you feel. x