Wits end with everything

[Isurrender]

I live up North with my two kids aged 18 and 24. Hubby works away and only home every few months. We have no family.

We have just come through the most horrific financial crisis as a family and have pretty much been left with nothing after a two year court battle. I am 54 and my husband is 60.

My son and I both work full time, but my daughter only works 11 hours a week in her own business which she is building up. I pay for her horse, phone and car tax each month. She did have a part time job but gave it up as she fell out with her friend who worked in the same shop and it was awkward, so now does 11 hours work only.

AIBU to expect help in the house? If I specifically ask her to clean a room she will, but if not she does nothing. I spend my weekends shopping, trying to tidy up and walking our dogs. She would never walk them unless asked. If I leave any washing up I mostly come home to it as she will say it wasn’t her mess. She has washed up three times this week and I’m still hearing about it. I’m really struggling with a bad back but she doesn’t notice. The bathroom floor is piled high in her dirty washing but it waits for me. Neither of them would put on a wash unless asked. Last night I was so tired and my back was agony. I left a bowl full of dishes and stuff on the sides, today she had no work and said she’d do them. She sent me a message at work saying she’d wash everyone else’s stuff up later. She had a lie in and went to her horse. I got home to dog poo all over the path and the same mess I’d left last night. She got home after me, telling me she’d wash up later. I said she should have done it earlier and she said her brother doesn’t wash up often. He’d got home and gone to the gym.

My son doesn’t do much but he works 11.5 hour days. If I want a job doing I have to ask over and over. Our garden is completely overgrown as he won’t do it, despite me practically begging him all summer. No one will empty bins unless I ask and if I don’t drag the dustbins out they don’t get emptied. They will see me go outside to fill coal buckets with a bad back and only do it if I ask.

I have nothing for myself, no time, no money, no outings. When the kitchen bin is full the stuff is left on the side for me to take out. My daughter now leaves makeup all over my nice table on the landing and won’t move it unless I ask. Then it’s back the next day. No one will clean the bathroom. The bathroom bin overflows onto the floor until I empty it. If I mention my daughter’s mess she says all I do is moan. I have asked her to get a second job but she doesn’t want to do any job I suggest. She owes her brother £600.

We went through an awful time and she moved out for 5 months to stay with her boyfriend. I admit I was horrible due to all the pressure but now she throws this at me and I feel guilty for asking for her help because I upset her a lot during the court case.

Should they do equal amounts or should she do more as she barely works? I’m at the end of my tether.

I'm another one wondering if the DH is in fact in prison.

This sounds like a situation that is completely out of control. You have to take control back and use deeds, not words.

OP said in a later post:

it was a business partnership thst went wrong. Yes my husband’s fault but also other party but they got out of it unscathed.

@whatsitcalledwhen - thank you for clarifying

and eeek - sounds bad

No. You take responsibility for the pet (whether its a goldfish or a horse) that you’ve taken on, that is loved & part of your family. DD needs to get a job to help pay.

IMO, you do whatever it takes for a pet, for its whole life.

But OP is wanting rid of the adult daughters other pets-geckos, so…

I don't understand how people let it get to the stage where their kids walk all over them. Just say no occasionally.

@StarDolphins

IMO, you do whatever it takes for a pet, for its whole life.

Then 'whatever it takes' needs to mean working more hours (for OP's daughter) and OP saying that if she doesn't, she needs to find elsewhere to live.

Or loaning out the horse.

Or downsizing their home.

And @StarDolphins you haven't reprimanded OP for saying she's giving her an ultimatum re the geckos. But have reprimanded people saying she needs to consider at least loaning the horse.

Yep, totally agree. All of those are good options & absolutely should be done. I would work 100 hours a week if I had to in order to do the right thing by any responsibilities I’d committed to.

You have too much on your plate. Time to reduce the load.

Well done for tackling the laundry as the first step, OP. It doesn't need to create conflict - you can respond calmly to any queries with a reminder where the washing machine is(!).

And the response to the geckos - yes, if you can follow through. But if not, it becomes another thing you say that she'll feel she can ignore.

Having made a stand on these two things, you would now try to have some positive interactions with her before more battles. Are there still times when you can just enjoy her company or does that feel all in the past at the moment?

Financially though the op shouldn’t rely on her children at all, they can and should at some point leave rather than be saddled with staying due to mistakes made by their parents

Click on the three dots in the top-right hand corner of the top line.
Click on Quote.
Type your reply in the text box.
Click on Post.

Hey presto! You've done it.

I forgot to say, great start OP!

Stop arguing with her. This is not a debate or a negotiation. Just tell her she is working as the full time housekeeper until she has a full time job or moves out. Then set up a rota for washing and cooking. If your son can’t cook because not at home he can do washing plus bins.

Geckos need heating mats night lights and live well fed food. Dogs ( how many? )need walks and food and injections and vet fees. Horses are a money pit. Someone needs to sit down with a pen and paper. How much does her son pay to maintain the loan or pay it back? Is it a good balance against rent? What if he meets someone he wants to marry and leave home?How much does ops husband contribute to finances?

Stop doing the bloody laundry for a start. If stuff appears in a pile next to the washing machine return it to their rooms. Tell them you are not doing any more laundry and stick to it. If they don't do it they will have nothing to wear. It's that simple.
Any stuff left lying around (make up somewhere it shouldn't be) similarly gets returned to their rooms. Every single time. Just dump it into some kind of plastic box in one swipe of the arm and back to the person's room.

You will need to look at the finances in detail as others have said.
In my opinion, your DD should be told she needs to get another job and contribute to the household. Both of them can contribute an equal amount - you reduce son's contribution by the amount he is paying to repay the loan each month.
If DD does not want to get a job and contribute then she can leave. You are enabling this behaviour.

And regarding the cleaning/mess/gardening - I'd have everyone sit down together and decide between you whether the chores are divided up fairly and equitably between the three of you who are living there full-time OR whether those jobs are outsourced to a cleaner and gardener and then all of you split the cost of that three ways - and none of the free-ride for your son because he's paying for a loan and you're paying for a horse etc.
The costs of the household help get split equally between you.

What a mess.

Leave your son alone, he's working bloody long days to get you out of a hole.

Tell DD she absolutely must step up. Or she's out. Tell her you can't afford the horse anymore so she increases her income, or it goes. If she feels as strongly about it as you then it should help to motivated her. Tell her since she's home most, she does most of the chores.

Ask DS to sort the garden in the summer, no point worrying about it now.

As for DH - he needs to find a way to work closer to home (or you all move to him?). Unless of course 'working away' is indeed code for prison.

You don't want to live up North!!

Leave your son alone, he’s working bloody long days to get you out of a whole

Him taking out a loan was a big ask, nobody likes debts hanging over them and parents should not put their children in this position.

But he seems to be working bloody long days primarily for himself. He pays no rent, he does nothing around the house, he is waited on hand and foot. The loan repayments would be maybe £300-£500 per month, depending on term. He’s getting pretty good value for money there.

Also OP needs to move away from this thinking that men that work full time don’t have to do anything around the house, whilst women need to juggle everything.

I agree with @Aprilx the loan is separate, he cannot live in a house and do nothing whilst you expect your DD to take on chores plus the financial side of the horse. Yes he works long hours but that doesn’t mean he gets to do nothing.

the court case and loan have happened but a line needs to be drawn over this.

chores need to be allocated fairly and rent paid by your son, with perhaps the understanding that the loan is offset against this. I.e. rent and bills are 600 a month, his loan is 400 so he pays you 200

@Aprilx

Also OP needs to move away from this thinking that men that work full time don’t have to do anything around the house, whilst women need to juggle everything.

I think that if OP's daughter was working 60 hour weeks and her son was working 11 hours a week and being subsidised by her, she would expect her son to be doing a larger share around the house.

How much is your son paying now, and what is he paying it for? Doesn’t cover all his food and share of the household goods, or does it include a cooking, cleaning and laundry service?

Once this is clarified, surely the daughter will pay the same, or reduced amount with a deadline to start paying the full amount or move out?

If you’re not offering your adult children a full suite of housekeeping services(!) then surely you need to sit down with them and establish how it’s going to work between all three adults living in the house, and then hold them accountable for sticking to it?

I get that you’ve been through a really tough time but I’m not sure how relevant it is to your current living arrangements tbh. If anything they should be more helpful, not less!!!

Set up a payment plan to pay your son back for the financial help he provided if that’s what you all want to do, but set clear financial expectations and house rules for both of them to be allowed continue living your home regardless. They’ll respect you for it even if they do throw a tantrum or move out.

That was not my point. My point is that OP seems to think the two men in her life don’t have to do anything around the house because they work full time, whereas she works full time and has to juggle. I am not bringing the daughter into this, I have separately said what I think about that.

A larger share exactly - but by her own admission he does nothing.

and quite where her husband is who knows