Wits end with everything

[Isurrender]

I live up North with my two kids aged 18 and 24. Hubby works away and only home every few months. We have no family.

We have just come through the most horrific financial crisis as a family and have pretty much been left with nothing after a two year court battle. I am 54 and my husband is 60.

My son and I both work full time, but my daughter only works 11 hours a week in her own business which she is building up. I pay for her horse, phone and car tax each month. She did have a part time job but gave it up as she fell out with her friend who worked in the same shop and it was awkward, so now does 11 hours work only.

AIBU to expect help in the house? If I specifically ask her to clean a room she will, but if not she does nothing. I spend my weekends shopping, trying to tidy up and walking our dogs. She would never walk them unless asked. If I leave any washing up I mostly come home to it as she will say it wasn’t her mess. She has washed up three times this week and I’m still hearing about it. I’m really struggling with a bad back but she doesn’t notice. The bathroom floor is piled high in her dirty washing but it waits for me. Neither of them would put on a wash unless asked. Last night I was so tired and my back was agony. I left a bowl full of dishes and stuff on the sides, today she had no work and said she’d do them. She sent me a message at work saying she’d wash everyone else’s stuff up later. She had a lie in and went to her horse. I got home to dog poo all over the path and the same mess I’d left last night. She got home after me, telling me she’d wash up later. I said she should have done it earlier and she said her brother doesn’t wash up often. He’d got home and gone to the gym.

My son doesn’t do much but he works 11.5 hour days. If I want a job doing I have to ask over and over. Our garden is completely overgrown as he won’t do it, despite me practically begging him all summer. No one will empty bins unless I ask and if I don’t drag the dustbins out they don’t get emptied. They will see me go outside to fill coal buckets with a bad back and only do it if I ask.

I have nothing for myself, no time, no money, no outings. When the kitchen bin is full the stuff is left on the side for me to take out. My daughter now leaves makeup all over my nice table on the landing and won’t move it unless I ask. Then it’s back the next day. No one will clean the bathroom. The bathroom bin overflows onto the floor until I empty it. If I mention my daughter’s mess she says all I do is moan. I have asked her to get a second job but she doesn’t want to do any job I suggest. She owes her brother £600.

We went through an awful time and she moved out for 5 months to stay with her boyfriend. I admit I was horrible due to all the pressure but now she throws this at me and I feel guilty for asking for her help because I upset her a lot during the court case.

Should they do equal amounts or should she do more as she barely works? I’m at the end of my tether.

Of course you’re not unreasonable but if you keep doing things and not actually giving them ultimatums it will never change. You have to say to them this needs to change - and if it doesn’t they have 8 weeks or however long you want to give them to move out. And mean it. It really is that simple. (I have a dd aged 20 and she’s similarly lazy but she’s at university at the moment - when she’s home she’s a nightmare and I won’t be putting up with it when she’s finished uni).

They should both be working full time and you should sell the horse

Yep. And the make up on the nice table - just tell her it’s going in the bin if she doesn’t move it.

My son has helped out financially with our court case but my daughter just costs me money but has made no attempt to get more work. She sees he doesn’t do much so therefore feels she shouldn’t have to. I have never come home to a cooked meal EVER!! No one would dream of starting dinner or actually cleaning without instructions.

Is she 24 or 18?

'horrific financial crisis'

'horse'

The horse means the world to me too so I’d be hurting myself. I’m not asking anyone to reinvent the wheel. I just want some respect and for them to actually do things without a big row.

You have three adults living in the house, if your children won’t pull their weight they need to move out. Your son doesn’t get a free pass because he works longer hours - everyone has chores fairly allocated to them. If they don’t like it or won’t do it they find somewhere else to live - and the job to fund it. They don’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself

She’s 18! Her biggest argument is that her brother doesn’t help much either. She mostly sorts her own food out tbf. If I cook for my son he rarely washes up and goes back upstairs leaving it for me. It’s not as though I even ask her often, but when I do I get the comments it’s not her stuff.

She’s 18! Will be one in a million if her business succeeds going solo. She needs to get a full time job to learn how to network, interact, trade , do the books.

Yes, it’s been a terrible struggle trying to juggle everything but he’s part of our family and not going anywhere. We claim no benefits obviously. It’s all the more reason for my daughter to get herself more work but she just cannot see it.

Sell the horse no matter how much it breaks your heart. Needs must. You can always get another one.

Stop paying for the phone. I can see why you pay the car tax - keep that.

And more tough love. Clean the kitchen then ban her from it. Toss clothes out of the bathroom window.

Admittedly, some kids take longer than others to grow up but, sometimes, teenagers need a slap in the face with a wet fish.

Stop paying your daughter's phone and car tax. Make a schedule of chores for son and daughter. Tell them that if they don't do the chores then they are free to move out.

Your Dd is copying her Brother by not helping in the House because he doesn't. So why is she not copying him and getting a full time job like him too.

My son has helped financially so him moving out isn’t an option. I’m just sick of it all. I thought about getting a cleaner and making them pay

That sounds like a good option!

I have tried everything. Giving them a room each, different jobs on different days, a rota, items to be cleaned list. Nothing works. They just argue about who should do it

She started her business and I was happy to support her because then she had another job too but gave it up and won’t do anything now. She has an excuse for every job I suggest. She tells me she doesn’t really have much time in the day, but that’s because she stays in bed til gone 8am.

Do you own your own house and is there a mortgage on it? Why does your husband work away, is he in a job like the army? It sounds to me as though he's got it really easy.

The horse is creating financial problems I understand why you don't want to sell it but can you realistically recover from the financial problems without selling it?

I would be very tempted to say to your kids that I was selling or giving up the house I'm going to move into one bed flat on my own. Your husband could come and stay whenever he's home.

You need a really serious meeting with both of them. It sounds so your son is a good lad but he still needs to put his own washing on and wash up his own dishes just as he would if he was in his own house.

As for her make up I would take it to work and leave it there until she cleaned the house. It's not on that she can fall out with people and stop work and expect you to pick up the financial sacrifice.

She is far too young to be setting up her own business and far too stupid quite honestly! I mean that in a nice way in the way that a lot of us were stupid at that age. Starting her own business is going to be 10 times more work than working for someone else and she wouldn't be in profit for a long time. She is far too lazy to work for herself. Tell her to get a full-time job pronto.

He works 6 days a week. Don’t want to out myself but his job isn’t easy but he has no stress of the kids (kids 😂 adults tbf) or the house or anything.

I just cannot sell the horse. I have told her she is paying from March onwards.

She goes to the gym 4 nights a week and gets home late. She has literally just got home. She then parks behind my car and I then have to deal with moving it before I can get out in the morning. I’ve started making her get up to move it

Allocate chores (maybe a chore chart) that way everyone knows what's expected of them and when.

I told her tonight she is lazy, my son is too although he works very hard at work. Neither of them will walk to the dustbin. Anything that won’t fit in the kitchen bin is left for me to take out.

The other night I asked her to walk downstairs to bring the dog up. I was in bed and trying not to move as my back is so bad. She said no, she was too tired after the gym. I told her the dog would be cold snd miserable but still no!!! Only when she saw me starting to get out of bed did she go down.,

You need to sit down as a trio and state that now everyone is living in the house as adults things need to change a bit. I'd acknowledge that the last lot of months have been really hard on all of you and its affected relationships but that you want to work on this together. Then agree boundaries and responsibilities. Give each of you equal chores around the house (if your son worked full time and had his own place he'd be doing everything so asking him to do an equal 3rd is not unfair). Get them to pick which chores they would like to do taking into account your bad back. Then I'd also agree some things that would make it a nicer place to live, for example can you have a family night where you all chill and watch a movie and get snacks in, or a boardgames night or do a family outing bowling or something that doesn't cost a fortune. I'd speak to your dd about the horse and explain that as a family you're not in the same financial position any more so if she wants to keep the horse, she needs to be working full time and paying towards it unless she's going to go on into further education. Help her arrange a meeting with a careers advisor and recruitment coach to get her started. There's support out there for young entrepreneurs, make sure she's engaged with a local business hub that does mentoring and who will go over her business plan with her and make sure it's viable.

Ultimately, it's your home and your financial mess to rebuild from, not theirs. You need to have some direct conversations with your dh wherever he is at to discuss whether you can realistically keep the horse, and if you need to move or downsize to ease the pressure you're under. I understand you feel highly connected to your horse and they're a part of the family but they are a huge expense every month and if its putting more pressure on your actual children to pay towards your bills then i think you need to rethink that. If your dd is working 11hrs a week and isn't in education then surely she would be entitled to universal credit? I'd contact citizens advice local to you to ensure you're all in receipt of what you can get.

I cannot tell you how many charts, lists, forms, dedicated days etc etc I have tried. Nothing works!! She feels it’s unfair as he does less. He feels it’s unfair as she barely works. She says she rarely eats dinner and it’s not her washing up……round and round like this forever.