Wits end with everything

[Isurrender]

I live up North with my two kids aged 18 and 24. Hubby works away and only home every few months. We have no family.

We have just come through the most horrific financial crisis as a family and have pretty much been left with nothing after a two year court battle. I am 54 and my husband is 60.

My son and I both work full time, but my daughter only works 11 hours a week in her own business which she is building up. I pay for her horse, phone and car tax each month. She did have a part time job but gave it up as she fell out with her friend who worked in the same shop and it was awkward, so now does 11 hours work only.

AIBU to expect help in the house? If I specifically ask her to clean a room she will, but if not she does nothing. I spend my weekends shopping, trying to tidy up and walking our dogs. She would never walk them unless asked. If I leave any washing up I mostly come home to it as she will say it wasn’t her mess. She has washed up three times this week and I’m still hearing about it. I’m really struggling with a bad back but she doesn’t notice. The bathroom floor is piled high in her dirty washing but it waits for me. Neither of them would put on a wash unless asked. Last night I was so tired and my back was agony. I left a bowl full of dishes and stuff on the sides, today she had no work and said she’d do them. She sent me a message at work saying she’d wash everyone else’s stuff up later. She had a lie in and went to her horse. I got home to dog poo all over the path and the same mess I’d left last night. She got home after me, telling me she’d wash up later. I said she should have done it earlier and she said her brother doesn’t wash up often. He’d got home and gone to the gym.

My son doesn’t do much but he works 11.5 hour days. If I want a job doing I have to ask over and over. Our garden is completely overgrown as he won’t do it, despite me practically begging him all summer. No one will empty bins unless I ask and if I don’t drag the dustbins out they don’t get emptied. They will see me go outside to fill coal buckets with a bad back and only do it if I ask.

I have nothing for myself, no time, no money, no outings. When the kitchen bin is full the stuff is left on the side for me to take out. My daughter now leaves makeup all over my nice table on the landing and won’t move it unless I ask. Then it’s back the next day. No one will clean the bathroom. The bathroom bin overflows onto the floor until I empty it. If I mention my daughter’s mess she says all I do is moan. I have asked her to get a second job but she doesn’t want to do any job I suggest. She owes her brother £600.

We went through an awful time and she moved out for 5 months to stay with her boyfriend. I admit I was horrible due to all the pressure but now she throws this at me and I feel guilty for asking for her help because I upset her a lot during the court case.

Should they do equal amounts or should she do more as she barely works? I’m at the end of my tether.

The children are in two very different situations.

The 24 year old presumably had a more stable childhood and was supported to age 18 and beyond (assuming it was before your court case).

Your 18 year old moved out of home (when under 18?) because you weren't very nice to her. She's also only just out of full time education (? Six months). It is not unusual for 18 year olds to not jump straight into full time work immediately being out of school.

I hate to say but I think you have some making up to do as the parent. You let her down when she was most vulnerable. She is learning to trust you again and this will take time.

I have a 19 year old daughter who lives at home for free. She works quite a lot and goes to uni (one or two days per week for about six months of the year). She does minimal chores. She covers her own expenses but I would still pay some things eg medical.

I would start with the 24 year old. He should be paying market rent if he's in a full time job. Spend some of that on the cleaner. I would also give him specific jobs to do, sounds like the garden would be a good one - clear parameters on what you expect and he can get that done at weekends.

The daughter I think you will have to give some leeway for another 18 months or so but set expectations that she will be expected to pay her phone and contribute to her horse by xx (? Maybe end of 2024). Also clarify some house rules eg the make up and bathroom floor plus agreed chores.

@TheSandgroper

"Sell the horse no matter how much it breaks your heart. Needs must. You can always get another"

It's not a car or some other inanimate object to get rid of.

Stop being a pushover. Look at your username. Change it to MyHouseIMakeTheRules.

We did exactly this a week ago but nothing ever changes. They just don’t see the chores as theirs. I admit I am not the tidiest person but ultimately it’s me thst tidies my mess and theirs.

if I leave washing up I come home to it, even if my daughter has agreed to do it. Yes she will do it but it could be at midnight and it’s from the previous day. I still have to come home to it because she hasn’t done it…..YET!!

She leaves it because she knows there are no consequences if she doesn't do it.

To be honest your daughter doesn't sound that bad if she does your washing up! I think everyone doing their own washing up would be the best solution and agree a time frame that you all stick to.

Everyone does their own laundry and tidying up.

And get a cleaner with the rent your son is paying.

Your son can do the garden and you can do the food shop online, then share the cooking. But if your daughter doesn't eat dinner she shouldn't have to cook and clear up.

We've seen this chapter and verse on here a million times before.

You're enabling her.

Horse?!? Is she a princess?

Your son sounds exactly like all the terrible lazy husband posts ive seen on here, just because he works doesnt mean he shouldn't have to clean up after himself, but your enabling him by giving him excuses. Your expecting your daughter to be a maid, no wonder she is pushing back. They both need to clean up after themselves and empty the bins etc equally, and stop paying for her phone and tax, your also enabling her.

Who gives a shit who pays what or how much each one works. They live there, eat, use everything. I'd tell them both to sort out the chores between them without your assistance. House is spotless and looked after or they can both get the fuck out.

Why have they been bought up so spoilt?
stop babying them and force them to grow up!!

go on strike for a few days or stay in a hotel and leave them to it - sorry to say, you’ve allowed their behaviours so need to change your approach

What about if you sit down and calmly tell them you’re really struggling both financially and physically. Ask if they would be willing to help in any way?

Tell your daughter you can’t pay for her phone and car anymore but you will pay her a certain amount for chores? Otherwise you’ll need to use that money to pay a cleaner or dog walker.

What might be successful is moving towards more of a shared house situation.

So for example putting laundry bins in each of their rooms and buying them a drying rack each and saying that they are now responsible for their own laundry.
You then only do yours.

If they don't do theirs then they just run out of clean clothes.

You can also stop paying for your DD's phone bill.

Something I did as well was putting a sign up sheet on the fridge for the meals for the week. I deliberately left out two days as my "days off" so on those nights everyone got their own or did takeout or whatever. I usually had cheese sandwiches to be honest.
And for meals I was cooking they had to sign up by the morning to say if they would be in and wanted it.

I would stop paying for everything for your dd. I understand you love the horse and you’ve given her a cut off date of March. I would repeat this to her and make her understand that in March, if she cannot pay then the horse goes. I would stop paying for her phone and car tax. She needs to get another job, she needs to realise that working isn’t about working with friends.

I would start making your own meals and cleaning up after yourself only. This will mean the house will get very messy but you need to make a stand that they are both adults. I understand your son works long days but he will soon move out and will need to do it all for himself anyway so he needs to start now.

I would also be asking them both for rent. My parents asked my siblings and I for a small amount each month when we were working (not studying). It seems fair as they should contribute to bills and food.

If you're financially struggling the horse has to go. It's a luxury.

I did this with my 3. They were younger (,11, 14 and 15). Gave them the option to help more. They failed so they all lost some of their allowance (went from 60 to £40 a month) which doesn't quite cover the cost but helps pay for a cleaner.
If they fail to tidy their room on the day the cleaner comes they lose another £10 that day.
When DS leaves school I will expect him to chip in or clean.
I work full-time, have a chronic health condition and also think they need to learn. They do other chores (cook once a week each, wash up, dishwasher, walk dog but I have to cajole and it's so annoying).

Why can't the 24 year old move out? That would stop the he said she said stuff.

Also your daughter should sign on - extra money for her and they will hassle her about getting a job

If rubbish is left on the side PUT IT ON THEIR BEDS. I think you need to grow a pair

I probably haven’t made it clear as my head has literally gone and I’m so worn out. I mostly wash up myself. I’m talking about the few times I ask her to help it seems to be a huge issue and causes arguments about who should do it. We eat very simple meals so it’s rarely a six pan job. It’s a 20 min job at most.
I think the answer is three separate bowls in the kitchen. We tried washing our own stuff but everyone argues about who left what.

The horse is a very much loved part of our family. Hard to explain but he will never be sold. She has been told she has to start paying for him.

Because he took out a loan to help us financially.

I’m really confused about how mumsnet works. I’m hitting reply on individual messages but they don’t appear with the person’s name on when they post???

How do I reply to individual messages please? I’m getting so confused.

Why not tell them you are selling up and moving to a one bed?
Even if you don't do it could give them a kick up the arse.
I personally would move into a one bed and tell them both politely to get fucked. They are adults now and you are being completely taken advantage of. They don't respect you.
I was in a similar situation to you, two grown adults who lived off me and in my home but had no respect. They no longer live here :)

She’s 18

I agree with an earlier PP.
Sell the horse.
Stop paying for her phone and gym membership.
Sell your house and move into a one-bed flat.

Any stuff left lying around the house, throw it out in the garden, in the bin, or dump it on their beds.
You have two seriously ungrateful and disrespectful children.