Wits end with everything

[Isurrender]

I live up North with my two kids aged 18 and 24. Hubby works away and only home every few months. We have no family.

We have just come through the most horrific financial crisis as a family and have pretty much been left with nothing after a two year court battle. I am 54 and my husband is 60.

My son and I both work full time, but my daughter only works 11 hours a week in her own business which she is building up. I pay for her horse, phone and car tax each month. She did have a part time job but gave it up as she fell out with her friend who worked in the same shop and it was awkward, so now does 11 hours work only.

AIBU to expect help in the house? If I specifically ask her to clean a room she will, but if not she does nothing. I spend my weekends shopping, trying to tidy up and walking our dogs. She would never walk them unless asked. If I leave any washing up I mostly come home to it as she will say it wasn’t her mess. She has washed up three times this week and I’m still hearing about it. I’m really struggling with a bad back but she doesn’t notice. The bathroom floor is piled high in her dirty washing but it waits for me. Neither of them would put on a wash unless asked. Last night I was so tired and my back was agony. I left a bowl full of dishes and stuff on the sides, today she had no work and said she’d do them. She sent me a message at work saying she’d wash everyone else’s stuff up later. She had a lie in and went to her horse. I got home to dog poo all over the path and the same mess I’d left last night. She got home after me, telling me she’d wash up later. I said she should have done it earlier and she said her brother doesn’t wash up often. He’d got home and gone to the gym.

My son doesn’t do much but he works 11.5 hour days. If I want a job doing I have to ask over and over. Our garden is completely overgrown as he won’t do it, despite me practically begging him all summer. No one will empty bins unless I ask and if I don’t drag the dustbins out they don’t get emptied. They will see me go outside to fill coal buckets with a bad back and only do it if I ask.

I have nothing for myself, no time, no money, no outings. When the kitchen bin is full the stuff is left on the side for me to take out. My daughter now leaves makeup all over my nice table on the landing and won’t move it unless I ask. Then it’s back the next day. No one will clean the bathroom. The bathroom bin overflows onto the floor until I empty it. If I mention my daughter’s mess she says all I do is moan. I have asked her to get a second job but she doesn’t want to do any job I suggest. She owes her brother £600.

We went through an awful time and she moved out for 5 months to stay with her boyfriend. I admit I was horrible due to all the pressure but now she throws this at me and I feel guilty for asking for her help because I upset her a lot during the court case.

Should they do equal amounts or should she do more as she barely works? I’m at the end of my tether.

The horse goes on loan until DD gets off her arse and gets a job or steps up and does her share in the house. I understand as a horse person myself how much time and money is invested in owning a horse and frankly DD can't afford it. You don't have to sell, but she needs an incentive to actually do something so she can keep him.
Every bit of their crap that was left I'd leave. Don't do their washing. Chuck it in their rooms and leave it. Their fault when they only have musty creased clothes to wear. If they leave out shit like makeup/dirty socks/magazines etc that you've constantly asked them to move you put it in the bin. I did this when DH kept leaving his socks on the floor in the front room. Asked him over and over to not leave them there for me to pick up but he said he kept forgetting. Funnily enough he stopped forgetting when I started binning them.
I actually have sympathy with your son who has to witness his sister getting a horse and paid car tax etc while he works 11 hours a day and she does absolutely fuck all. He should obviously be stepping up with his share of housework and not leaving a mess, but it is very unequal. I have a similar situation with my parents and younger sister (from when we were teens) where she had a MUCH more lenient upbringing that I did and it does stick with you and sting.

Your children should be helping equally. That doesn’t mean their help should be identical, but it should be fair. If your son is working but not paying rent and his work is only helping his own bank account get fat then that shouldn’t be a free pass to help in the household less, working is only an excuse to help less if the work actually contributes in some way to the household (eg: financially).

You need to set out expectations in a way which is fair. You also need to consider that your 24 year old son has been living at home as an adult for 3+ years, your 18yo DD has presumably only been living at home as an adult for a few months. It sounds like your son is being favoured here living rent free, not having to help and having no expectations on him. How much was he doing to contribute to the household when he was 18? Are you sure you’re not absolving him of tasks because he is male and you subconsciously think his role should solely be financial and jobs such as the garden whilst your daughter should b cooking and cleaning etc? If all of his work only improves his personal financial situation and doesn’t actually contribute to the household then that really isn’t the case.

I’d be picking up her clothes off the bathroom floor and tucking them into her bed so that when she rolls in at midnight from the gym she has to sort it out. Start inconveniencing her instead of doing her washing

i would also consider putting the horse out on loan so that your daughter doesn’t get the benefit of him anymore and so that his basic costs are covered by the loaner. That’ll take a bit of pressure off you, and you could stipulate that he’s kept on the current yard so you can keep an eye on him.

OP what are the monthly costs associated with the horse in total?

We have lost every single penny of our life savings, cashed in all policies and pensions etc. I can assure you we have nothing. Whatever is paid for comes from wages. Son snd daughter pay their own memberships. I pay her car tax. Horse comes from my wages.

Theg are both lazy. Son’s excuse is he works. He’s still in bed! Will do jobs if I plead and repeatedly ask over many weeks. Garden is now beyond help and he refuses to do it.

Son is shouldering a 20k loan for his parents that he pays monthly -he also gave out 2k for a car.

Around £220. She started paying for bedding two months ago as I used to pay that too

Reading all your replies and it really is hard to have sympathy because you are ignoring most suggestions and you seem to have created this situation in the first place.

So firstly, your son needs to do chores too. Stop giving the men in your life a free pass on chores because they work. Women work, you work and still have to do chores.

And loan aside, I also do not understand why three years ago you told a 21 year old that he doesn’t need to pay rent because his then 15 year old sister had a horse.

I am not quite sure how her 11 hours of work are going to pay for the horse as well as the gym and petrol every month. But if I am reading you correctly, if she does, you are going to start repaying the loan and will continue to let your son get out of paying rent. You are again creating a rod for your own back.

Are you going to follow any of the advice you have been given?

Putting the money to one side.
Washing
I would black sack up their washing and put it back in their rooms. They need to be doing it.

Any family meetings needs to involve your husband when he is home. He should be backing you up.

I liked an earlier idea of at least two nights of week you have off. They can cook or plan meals.

You know your are letting your daughter off. You need to force it as that she has to work. Just say phone etc will no longer be paid and stick to it.

Tell her the dogs have to be walked everyday until she is working. Wake her up when you leave.
If her car is blocking yours take her car and your car keys. You need to make life uncomfortable

You have to do this for your sanity's sake and your health.

Ask a gardener for a quote and give son the option of it being paid or money off the loan. If he is savvy he will do the garden. There is no reason your husband couldn't help though. Where is his pride in your house?

Garden is now beyond help and he refuses to do it.

@Isurrender why is your husband not bothered about the house you nearly lost? It's not just on you.

As above! Don has loan. The three previous years hd lived rent free as I felt guilty asking for rent because my daughter has the horse.

No not at all, I ask him to wash up and he will but point is I should not have to ask. I asked daughter to clear the mess she left and tidy outside. I asked her for six weeks to pick up a blanket she’d thrown out of her car. I eventually removed it.

DD needs to get a FT job and pay rent, or fuck off and live somewhere else.

DS needs to step up with helping you in house and garden, as does DD.

You need to get tough OP.

The thread has been derailed with money chat. Get your adult kids to function. All the self pity in the world is not going to produce two functional members of society. At least the son is employed, but leaves his mess for a woman to pick up which is depressing.
Can you move? Downsize. The adults can house themselves. Why is your husband never there? Is the marriage over?

Your son took out and is paying back a £20,00 loan on your and your husband's behalf, he lent you £2,000 for a car, he lent his sister money and he works 11.5 hours a day, I wouldn't be getting out of bed to do your garden either.

Op I hear you. Honestly I really do. From one worn out mother to another.

Its quite fundamental the number of times you have said I can’t expect…

I can’t expect ds to pay rent due to the loan
I can’t expect ds to do housework after a 57 hour week

I can’t expect dd to do housework if ds isn’t

You have come up with the excuses for them! Meanwhile they just sit back and let you kill your self trying to do it all.

It’s a self worth issue. You CAN and should expect all of this and more..

I would have a family meeting and say to dd if she lets you down the first thing to go is the phone contract, followed by the car tax, gym and list everything you pay for. She gets a job in the next four weeks or this all goes. She isn’t working or a business - it’s a hobby.

They both pull their weight after every meals, with the laundry and pet care.

I would get a cleaner not to do their jobs but to do your share. The basics.

I would consider a weekend spa break just for you, and cutting your hours. You sound burnt out op.

I'm baffled at how you say there is no money when you're allowing your daughter to work 11 hours a week and spend £220 a month on having a horse.

For those of us who have been really hard up, it's unfathomable to allow that while allowing your son to take out a £20k loan to help bail out your husband whose behaviour wrecked the whole family's stability, while someone in the household is spending £220 a month on a horse, working three hours a week and she's not even doing chores? That is not a home acting as if it's in financial crisis.

A son taking out a £20k to bail out his parents and lending his sister more money? He is suffering hugely disproportionately through no fault of his own. I would feel so resentful if I was him.

He shouldn't get out of chores, I'm not saying he should but I would be very disappointed in my daughter and fucking furious with my husband.

Your dh is missing in action. That would change as well.

I can promise you I am not ignoring suggestions. I am just being honest snd saying that I have truly done many of the things suggested but nothing has worked and I am still left with doing 95% of everything and have NO LIFE!!!!!!

I have no money of my own but then feel as though I should not expect any as my son took out the loan. All my wages are gone every month. I look at the kids/adults going out to gym/friends etc and I am here picking up dog shit and doing their washing. They do absolutely nothing unless asked. My son will say “I have no clean socks” I mean WTF

You’re just coming across as a martyr now.

Stop doing it all. The housework, the financial handouts, all of it.

DD in particular needs to work FT and contribute properly.

I don’t think you are going to follow any of the advice here though.

Op, what is in your power to control here? I see two things- you stop paying phone and car tax for your daughter. Tell her she is choosing to only work a few hours, and contributes nothing around the house.
buy two more laundry bins. Chuck your sons things in one and your daughters in the other. Never think of them again, but tell them if the bins get overloaded the only thing you are going to do is black bag the excess and take it out with the rubbish or to the charity shop. You’re not a charity and they are adults.

Perhaps save the money you aren’t paying your dd for phone and car tax and hire someone to blitz the garden, you will feel much better.

He works away. See him every few months. He gets one day off per week

What do you say when your son says he has no clean socks?

can you do a washing machine rota so that your dd has from 8-12 to use it, you have 12-4 and your son has from 4-8 for example? Then your dd can’t use the “the wash has finished” excuse because she has a set time it’s free for her to use

Where is your husband in all of this.

first off take the court case out of it, for your relationship with your children it is irrelevant and nothing to do with them. You have no money because of this not because of your children

then if your DD is taking on the horse your 24 year old son should pay rent and should have been for awhile. And you constantly say the horse is also yours so why is that in her debt sheet

then get equality in - all do chores if you live together. And remember your dd is 18 at that age your son was at Uni. Help her find what she wants to do in life

If he’s been living at home rent free and has all food etc paid for and doesn’t do any chores for over 3 years that still amounts to paying under £7k a year in rent, food etc whilst never having to do any laundry, cooking, general household chores etc. The OP says her son earns over £10k a year more than her annually, so it sounds like he must have a good salary, I don’t think what has amounted to under £600 a month is exactly giving a good contribution to the household for an adult earning more than his parents?

Sounds like they need a 'come to jesus' moment.
Sit them BOTH down together and lay it out, brutally.
You can't afford the horse. It's £220 a month that could be going towards a cleaner/gardener/bills. She has until X date and horse will be advertised for loan. This can be avoided by her getting a job and paying herself. You have to absolutely mean this. They know you don't follow through with what you say so don't bother doing anything. The blanket that was outside the car? Bin.
The garden needs to be a JOINT effort. One day of you all working together to pull weeds and cut back should make a huge difference. If not you will be cancelling something (phones/TV subscription/wi-fi) to pay for a one off gardener to strip it all back. One day is no big ask from each of them.
You won't be doing any of their washing from now on. They do it themselves. If they don't, they have no clean clothes and that's their problem. Anything left on the floor for a few days in the bathroom gets binned. Same goes for shit left round the house.
You need to stop being a door mat OP. Put your foot down and mean it.