To worry about my children starving to death in an emergency?

[Mnk711]

I have long been worried about what will happen to my toddler and baby if something happened to me at home e.g. a fall, a stroke etc. My DP works away a lot for long periods so we are often home alone, have no close neighbours, and no routines etc that anyone would notice us missing from. There's a good chance if I were to be incapacitated no one would come and help my children. The recent case in the news about a two year old starving to death has brought all my fears up again. AIBU to worry about this? Does anyone have any good suggestions of how to deal with this risk e.g. apps, technology, arrangements with others...?

Crikey you clearly don’t and have never lived rurally with babies and tiny children with a dh that is posted elsewhere in the world, as you simply have no comprehension whatsoever of how vulnerable it feels.

Not just to sudden death, but also accidents, severe illness, severe weather, very poorly children and poor access to health care, burglaries and intruders, being incapacitated with covid, regular power cuts etc.

Is it genuinely so astonishing to you that these things are absolutely a danger and a risk to a young mother with babies? Many of the above have happened to me over the years - most have in fact, except sudden death (obviously) and it’s extraordinarily frightening and stressful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I AM suggesting op either moves to somewhere with close neighbours or dh changes his job BECAUSE of my own personal experiences. And that of my friends here. You clearly do not have the first clue about rural living.

OP I have/had the same fear, can’t believe the ridiculous responses here assuming your DP must be contactable at all times! Lots of military personnel for example won’t be contactable for days/weeks/months on end.

What I did was work on independence as a priority in day to day life. I got a step my DS could move around himself and therefore reach most things (sink, fruit bowl, snacks). Doing it every day meant it didn’t make it a big deal about emergencies, he just thought he was learning how to do what I do, but in the back of my mind I was teaching him to survive in a worst case scenario! Yes, everything took ten times longer, but it worked and the bonus is he’s now very good at doing things for himself!

My biggest fear was we don’t have a latch on the front door so we lock the door with a key. Fine when I’m ok but not when not. Same thing - encouraged him to unlock it every day, so pull up the step to reach the keys, choose which key is right, unlock it. Obviously this took time and SO much patience, but eventually he got there. We also role played what to do if anything ever happened to me…use “hey siri” to FaceTime grandparents, use my phone to ring 999 etc. Also played lots of games (role playing doctors, school etc etc) where we’d have to give out our address and phone number so he learned without really noticing.

I purposefully got very friendly with neighbours and gave them a key but appreciate that’s not an option for you - I would get a key box at least.

None of us want to think of these things and it’s very unlikely something will happen to you, but there’s no harm in encouraging children to develop skills they can apply to emergency situations, without making a big deal out of them by just incorporating it into daily life!

This is what I was going to suggest. You contact them daily with a text, so not very disruptive, and if you don't they contact you.

Whilst the likelihood is very rare, teaching your older child how to call 999 seems a very sensible thing to do.

I think often people don't think about these things enough.....there's too much of a 'don't worry about it til it happens' attitude in society and people come unstuck when it's too late.

I remember Grenfell happened when my oldest daughter was 3mths old.
It made me think more about how we would get her out the house in a fire, being so little, and I read about a handy trick of putting a baby/toddler in a duvet cover, then lowering them out the window in it down to someone below.

Being prepared is different to being paranoid, and could save lives.

If you have an Alexa you can teach your older child to tell it to 'call grandma' or 'call 999'.

This is the main reason I bought an Apple Watch - it has fall detection on it and can alert your emergency contact and the emergency services if you can't move.

I've not RTFT so apologies if this has already been suggested a lot!

Probably because you can't worry about every single possible disaster happening no matter how unlikely because that way lies mental illness. Most young healthy parents really don't have to worry that they're going to collapse dead without warning at any given moment.

get a house alarm with an internal hall camera & an sos button for the dc to press.

Thinking ahead and planning can help prevent anxiety. Young people shouldn't just drop dead but occasionally they do. Houses shouldn't catch fire but they do so it's a good idea to have an escape plan.

Maybe schools shouldn't have fire drills because it is extremely rare for a school to have a fire while children are in. But they do because staff and children need to know what to do if it does happen.

Edit: sorry I quoted the wrong person there. I was responding to the person who disagreed with the above.

But they could easily fall over a toy and be knocked unconscious, or fall down the stairs with laundry, it does happen and is more likely if you are tired and busy.

Good mental health doesn’t magically appear if you ignore the risk factors in your environment, and pretend they don’t exist, it comes from knowing what they are and being prepared.

That's the best suggestion I've read on this thread, thank you.

I can't believe that some posters don't 'get it'.

I live alone in high density inner city new build housing, the homes are high security and also very sound proof. Neighbours keep themselves to themselves because we don't know one another, I only just about know the people who live on my level to say hi but we're all tip toeing around as there's a violent and ASB household on our level so we don't stop and chat in the corridor.

If something happened to me no-one would notice for weeks or months. I think most people would assume that I've gone somewhere.

If I had a small child, I'd do the two best suggestions on this thread - make contact with local women in similar situations through whatever means necessary including local church and community groups and also buy a watch device thing.

It does happen but it's still extremely rare. Excessive worry about unlikely disasters is absolutely an indication that you're not mentally well. There are lots of studies that show that as humans we're poor estimators of risk, and worry a lot about unlikely scenarios and much less about things that are actually more likely (starvation due to unconscious parent is very far from the leading cause of death of under 5s in the country).

In Indian families 2 is the age when kids are taught to get some limited foods for themselves. Teach her to open the fridge, keep easily openable packages in there for her (you will need to teach her). 6 month old needs to be on solids and show the 2 year old how to feed easy food safely.

Or you could just teach them how to dial 999

@Agree it really has helped with the anxiety for me. I live in the opposite set up - small friendly town but they still wouldn't notice if something happened to me for a day or 2. My mum is in regular contact but lives far away, sometimes DH can't look at his phone when working away. Both DH and mum have numbers of local people they could contact to come and check on us if needed and the fall detection adds an extra safety net.

I'm extra paranoid and have my location services turned on at all times so DH can see where I am. If I'm at home and not replying he could 'drop in' on our echoes and hear what's going on in the house, so if DS was crying and I wasn't responding he would know (access to others is not permitted!).

Some would say total overkill, but it puts my mind at ease!

Living alone is terrifying on many levels even if one is quite the hermit / introvert / ASD - as I know very well myself.

Assuming that the OP is only talking about a child starving to death because of an unconscious person is ludicrous.

We are all here debating the fact that being the solo adult inside a locked building means that a tiny child could suffer if something untoward happened to that adult and they are too young to get help, fend for themselves, make phone calls, or open locked doors / windows and escape the building (which could even put them are far greater risk).

It's a bit obtuse and shaming IMO to say that the OP has poor mental health simply by dint of caring about the welfare of her tiny child. Being a solo adult of a tiny infant is a vulnerable position and no amount of pull yourself up by your bootstraps or jolly hockeysticks by jove don't be silly is going to resolve that. Perhaps more women ought to take infant welfare more seriously and the biggest causes of unnatural deaths of under three years olds wouldn't be so prevalent either.

I can tell from your complacency that you do not and have never loved rurally by yourself ever and certainly not with very young babies or children. Or suffered fractures and injuries and been completely by yourself and had to deal with it.
Or snowed in for nearly a month.

We prepare for each season here. We build up log and kindling reserves, good reserves, candles and our cars need full snow tryes, shovels, blankets and food and water in the car at all times.

You clearly have never needed to prepare for anything but to us it comes naturally as part and parcel of our lives, including planning for emergencies. Everyone that lives here has good or excellent mental health as you would expect living in a wild but natural part of the world.

Saying it's rare doesn't t help. It's clearly not rare and if you're the one in how many thousands it's no consolation it's just 1 in X.

I live alone with my DS and this has always put me into fear.

When he was 3, I sat him down and made him rehearse our address and "999". We still go over this at least once a month.

He's been told if mummy ever doesnt wake up, or I hurt myself and fall asleep, then he needs to call 999 and ask for help and give our address.

I had to take the pin off my phone and fingerprint so that he can access it if he needs to.

A friend has this concern in your situation many years ago.
As soon as their little one was able to understand the concept, about 2, she was taught what to do if mummy “fell asleep” and wouldn’t wake, including how to call 999 and how to unlock the door and bang on ”auntie Janette’s” door next door. Auntie Janette would also knock if she hadn’t seen them out and about for a couple of days.
By the time she was 3, she knew what was safe to eat (ie no raw sausages, etc.) and her full name, address and date of birth by heart.

Of course if you live in a snowy country you prepare for there to be snow, that's absolutely irrelevant to anything I said though.

I live in England.

It is a shame you can’t imagine any other lifestyle apart from your own life experience.

I've had similar concerns OP after the awful recent news. My partner also works away frequently and is also uncontactable for periods of that.

I'm wondering if and how I can teach our 2.5 year old to call for help if needed. I've also put snacks and drinks in a low cupboard so she knows where they are if she needed them. I'm considering programming the Alexa emergency contact to go through to a family member and teach her to say "Alexa call for help" if she ever can't wake mummy up. It just seems like a complex thing for her to learn at such a young age so I'm not sure if it's possible, but worth a try.