to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · Yesterday 21:01

"I'm surprised at who I assume are mostly women and mostly mothers basically excusing the father telling him to pay what's required, not a penny more!"

I actually assume that many of the posters objecting are men. Quite often you see misogynistic posts which are quite obviously from men on this site.

and she can only work around the childcare hours. That would severely limit my career, or dhs if it were him. What about the opportunity cost of that, which is 100% on her and zero on him? Dh and I both have to limit our hours around the pick up for him, and the drop off for me as it is. Every day. This top dad however can’t manage leaving on time on Saturday. Ok maybe he’s got a crappy job, but his ex working regionally earning regional pay earns as much as him even though she can only work around child care hours, so why can’t he find a decent job in London? And if he can’t surely that’s incentive to move back? The more I process this thread the more I think the op should recognise her brother is a bit of a dud?

OP put yourself in her shoes.

Would you honestly, honestly think that an ex contributing the time and finances your brother is was a great dad making the necessary sacrifices and compromises to have a strong relationship with his daughter?

Would you honestly not feel that the disproportionate hit on your career, leisure time and mental load was completely unfair and indicative of him being selfish?

Really? As if.

Oh and other question OP, if your brother's ex had said she didn't want to be the primary, resident parent and that she was moving to london to find a higher earning job so he would need to have their daughter live with him, get a local job and manage all childcare, drop offs, pick ups, homework, day to day parenting etc etc but that she would visit Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening, would you honestly hand on heart call her a good mum and think your brother was unreasonable for saying otherwise?

Would love your thoughts on this.

Because a man in the scenario above would be seen as making huge sacrifices, being an amazing dad, being inspirational... while the woman in the scenario above would be called a shit parent.

Thanks. Someone else pointed out to me 4 days ago. Did you just post on the thread so you could correct me?

I know! You’d hope women in this situation would be championing other women but clearly not.

It’s not even everyone weekend, it’s every weekend he can

Nope. I’m not championing you having more than me, so shut up and stop complaining about your £900 when I only get £200 for 6 children.

I mean, if we stopped this competitive struggle and held men to higher standards, we would likely receive more universals support- physical and financial.

I can bet this woman doesn’t even need the £30 and it’s more a - pay for the time that your hopeless ass should be here doing your ‘when you can’ service.

Yes exactly.

It reads much more as it’s about the time than the £30 - she’s saying “if you’re not going to get here reliably when you say, can you therefore pay for a babysitter “. Not “I want £30”

No, was trying to be helpful 😊 but take it as you will

Meant to add he pays less much less. I literally pay for everything. Unfortunatly cms is very low and doesn't cover childcare costs but thats why she not he can apply for universal credit to help with childcare.

If he can’t afford it, he’ll have to say no. But I think you’re over estimating the position she is in. Full time childcare where I live (cheap area) is £1100 a month. She could use all his maintenance, still have a £300 bill, and then still cover 100% of the other costs of having a child herself. Adding on the mental pressure of being a sole parent - having to organise absolutely everything…play dates, clothes, appointments, last minute days off work when LO is ill, the bed times and tantrums. I wouldn’t feel well off if I were the ex. Money isn’t everything