to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

I put YABU because it’s none of your business, it’s between him and ex. If he can’t stand up to her properly if he feels hard done by it’s still not your place to get involved. He needs to sort it out himself.

I would imagine with childcare costs plus all other expenses related to children she is also having to contribute at least £900 towards the cost of the care of their child. He left her, he turns up when he can for one day a week at most, she does everything else. If my husband left me holding the baby and did so little I would be calling him a deadbeat too.

Thank goodness one of her parents actually takes some responsibility.

The families of these men always justify their shittiness!

Not your business.

Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month.

So, assuming they are both working full time, how much is the full-time nursery bill that she has to pay (which he doesn’t), @frimscratxh ?

You were a single parent a long time ago. You haven't lived in this country for 20 years. Is it possible that you've lost touch with the cost of things here?

On that salary she probably isn't getting much in the way of UC childcare either, and as DN was 1 when DB left she won't have got free hours either.

He told me the nursery bill was 1,200 and that’s why he was contributing extra.

As I said, he had good reason to leave her.

And it really doesn’t matter why he left her.

He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work

Yes. No jobs at all between where they were and London, several hours away. None.

Don't be so dense. He moved out of choice. He prioritised a job ahead of being near his child. He should own that.

That’s an unimpressive amount of’what he can, when he can’.

Proper parenting is about committing to a time and place / activities, not just a thing you throw money at.

While I don’t think an extra £30 a week will make relations better, I also think he needs to make more of an effort, as mom must be knackered.

Could he move back and take a lesser paying job that allows him to be more present? Naturally CM will also decrease, but he’ll be of more use to his child.

Will it even be a lower paid job if she is earning similarly in the area?

I don’t think he’s being pushed around-more a case of the poor woman being tired and using the only resource he seems to have available- his finances.

Yes I bet he was a wonderful partner. He sounds like a great man.

She was probably evil.

But he also left his child. Did he have good reason for that?
He needs to step up for his kid

She is doing 100% he visits by the sound of it. Her career will be impacted, when you are a single parent this severally impacts on flexibility to progress.

Remember she has100% responsibility for childcare fees, which don't seem to be a concept that influences CMS!

i would be reading my brother the riot act and be telling him to step up and do better

That’s part of the reason this shit continues in perpetuity. Can you imagine if mom also rffed off to London and returned’when she can’?

The average cost for a fulltime nursery place in the UK is £15k per year, and your brother is paying about £10k total towards his daughters costs. And contributing very little of his time, maybe a day every other weekend? So I wouldn't be so convinced she is getting such a great deal.

The best reason in the world doesn’t justify him becoming a’when he can’ parent.

She's got less than him after childcare costs then, if they earn the same. And to pay for two people not one. She'll also be doing much, much more of the day to day stuff.

Yip!. I've been through this with my exh and his family...absolutely disgusting. The kids come last on the priority list

I'm more interested in his job role.

High earner but can't say no...

🤔

God I wish I had that much to live off lol. Travel costs are not part of maintenance, so yes, she's being damn right cheeky asking for that on top of that he's already paying.

What was he doing for work when he was living with partner? Where does he stay when he goes up every weekend?

Well tbh he's left her to carry the can and do all the donkey work. It's not all about the money. It's damn hard work being a single parent.

What if she has gone to London to secure work and your brother had to be a single dad?

Surely from 4,400 she can pay her own babysitter.
she’s the full time parent, your brother never has to pay for a baby sitter because he sees her one day a week. the 900 doesn’t even cover the nursery fees.

you should keep out as it’s not your business