to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

Sorry if I missed it, why does he not go up on a Friday after works. And where does she live that it’s several hours. You can do Manchester in about 2.5 from London, but he only gets there late sat and she needs a baby sitter as he’s not there?

if he is supposed to have his child and doesn’t get there till late and misses his time, then yeah he should,pay.

@frimscratxh
What does he do with the child when he has her? Where does he take her? If he doesnt live nearby, what does he do?

And heat, utilities, extra bedroom, taking time off for illness. What about the impact it would have on her career? Having to work between nursery hours? Not being able to travel for work ( if required).

What do you think it’s worth that she can never go out? Or that she has to accommodate all illness, dr visits etc. All night wakings- her. Most behaviour issues.

Honestly OP, you’re being a bit obtuse here

Sounds like a deadbeat dad to me, leaves when his kid is one, moves several hours away, only spends a Sunday, supposed to do sat but often turns up late. He’s not getting father of the year any time soon is he,

Yup DEF

Yes how dare she ask for more than the bare minimum in finances, when he isn’t willing to give more than the bare minimum in effort 🙄

So what does he actually do when he goes to see her? You've said he turns up at whatever time on the Saturday. Why can't he commit to being there at a certain time? Then what happens? Does he have her overnight? Where does he stay - hotel or ex's home? What time does he leave on the Sunday to get back to London? Does mum actually get anytime to herself? How many hours would you say mum gets to herself on the weekends your brother goes to see his daughter?

How many weekends does he realistically see her and for what hours?
how much notice does he give of his visit so that the ex can plan around it?

She, as a single parent will get a childcare financial help from the state. If she is paying for child care, one of them needs to set up a childcare account - this gives them 25% additional money (https://www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare)
She will not get help with free child care until the child is 2, so if he pays more now, he could reduce then.
You are talking average £550 pcm for childminder and about £100 more for a nursery for under 2s depending on where you live, so his share, if they earning the same, is less than £350, but you are talking c£600 for other costs (baby calculator), so she is expecting him to cover more than she does. She may be working reduced hours of course, but she also gets over £100 pcm family allowance.
As to travel, if he works in London, his travel time will vary from week to week, and commuting out is a nightmare and can take hours ( OP does not say how far this is and I know for East Coast mainline that weekend works mean cancelled trains, & longer journeys), and if he is driving, his costs will also vary to traffic, but public transport here is ridiculous. Weekend return tickets are at a premium, so he may vary times to actually get an affordable price. I do not expect that she has factored in the additional costs of travel in her demands.

He’s palmed all of his parenting duties off to her for a paltry £900pm. Her mortgage, nursery, food and bills probably eat up almost all of her available income. Then she’s got to consider clothes, clubs, holidays which surely your brother doesn’t want the little one to go without?

And what does he do with his income which is so much more important than raising a child? I assume he makes a decent amount of CMS calculated £750pm

Also unless you’ve heard her side of the story of course you will continue to believe he had ‘reason to leave her’ - and move several hours away from his 1-year-old to boot!

This dad must earn around £90,000. He should be paying a relatively large amount.

Where are you finding full time nursery for £650 per month? I pay a little under that (after the tax free childcare) for 2.5 days a week.

When the 15 hours kicks in from April I will recieve 8 hours a week if not taken term time only.

The mother won't qualify for child benefit on her wage as she presumably earns over £50000 per year.

She doesn't need to factor in the cost of his travel, as he is the parent that moved he is responsible for that.

Why did he choose to move far away from his daughter?

This

I would suggest for him to drop the payments that he's giving her at 900 to what the courts would give her at $750, and then take 30 of the 150 to give her the extra that she's asking for and then see how she likes her little attitude. You want to be greedy you can get less. Don't get me wrong, I was a single mom who raised both of her kids with no child support. But there's a point where people become greedy instead of thinking of the kids. As far as his visitations go, he needs to kick it in gear. That baby will not be small forever and she's going to know her dad was not there. Seriously when he gets around to it, that ain't cool that child needs a dad all the time not when he gets around to it. If he doesn't have time for a child, he should have kept it in his pants or covered it up. Not to sound rude but really isn't this between your brother and his ex. I understand caring for your siblings but really they're adults they can handle it themselves.

He has chosen to move away, his travel costs are not her concern.

@ftp are you for real? He doesn't even see his child once a week. He's taking the piss and of course paying too little. Unless you think her parenting is worth literally fuck all and is the same as him living the single life like a student in London.

Also no nursery is less than 50 per day for the very cheapest, most are around 80. So 1k to 1.6k per month.
I don't believe its possible to get a cm for 500 per month, cm are 6 to 8 pounds an hr so even 1 full day is 60 so a full week even with taking some early days 250 so again 1k minimum. 800 with tax free childcare. In a fairly cheap area in kent. Go into Surrey and cm are 10 a day and nursery 120 to 180.

🤦🏽‍♀️ why is the bar so fucking low for deadbeat dads.
he is not a good dad op. And you defending him just makes you look crap. His ex is not being unreasonable. And he’s a shit for not seeing that.

why is it anything to to with you?

Honestly it's just bloody depressing that anyone let alone women would be advocating that this bloke is going above and beyond just because he pays more than the minimum required of him.

Also can all those who struggled on less please stop bitterly spouting their viewpoints that he's doing more than their exes ever did so she should put up and shut up. It's not a race to the bottom, you should be advocating for others to get more not dragging them down and raging that they are greedy.

Anyone thinking this bloke (and I say bloke because he's certainly not earning the title of dad) is anything other than a deadbeat is delusional.

Something strange happens on these threads. Women who have been wronged by the fathers of their children get really angry about other women getting more child support than them. This attitude of I managed on £30 a month and no contact, so anyone getting more should be grateful and anyone pushing for more is just a greedy little madam!

awful.

this is a man earning c £90k a year whose child is in full time daycare! Why should the child’s lifestyle not be reflective of two high earning parents?

I really hope that at least some of the posters on here saying the mother is greedy because they managed on little to no financial contribution are just MRAs, otherwise this thread is very depressing.

The site is crawling with them these days, and quite a few give themselves feminine usernames.

In a way, it's good to know a single female-oriented forum is so threatening to them.