to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

The child's father doesn't see her all week but I don't see you commenting on that? Why are you slating a mother for wanting a bit of time to herself?

Sounds like he’s just showing up whenever it suits him… There’s absolutely no excuse why he can’t show up at the same time on a regular schedule every weekend.

Her asking for a babysitter is not unreasonable because it’s very clear that he’s not doing his job for visitation on a consistent and reliable basis.

He should be doing everything for his child and it’s very clear that he is not.

Nothing wrong with her expecting him to pay for Babysitter because he pretty much abandon his family left her truly is a solo parent .

By the way, visitation is just a visitation.

It is not shared parenting

Like a pp, id focus less on the money and more on how he can see more of his child.

Lots if people work in london & travel back friday night. Maybe he can do that?

If she’s working full time nursery could be costing her £2000 a month! And she’s got all other childcare bar a few hours on a Saturday. £900 a month is not a fortune. I do think your brother has virtually abandoned his daughter so I’m not surprised his ex is rude to him.

Yes, he should pay old nursery keys because he is not parenting. Seeing the child on the weekend it’s just a visitation and not parenting time.

Spends one whole day a week with his daughter?! Father of the year!

Please don’t keep lowering the bar for all parents because both your exes are deadbeats.

it is awful that these two men treat their children so poorly. Absolutely dreadful. I am angry on your children’s behalf.

but please don’t raise your children to expect so little from men. Men can be wonderful, involved parents who ensure their children have a lifestyle commensurate with their income. Your picked two stinkers - they aren’t all like that and telling women to be pleased with whatever they can get because it’s better than what you have is a depressing outlook on life.

Do not get involved in their marriage or break up. Your opinions do not count and you're very biased. Your only responsibility is to be the best aunt you can or want to be. Stay out of it.

It probably only covers half the nursery fees

@Bellyblueboy lol please tell me how it's a depressing sad outlook ? He pays £900 a month that's amazing the fact he doesn't see her isn't... we ain't here discussing me and my kids i do what I do I don't need to talk to strangers about it I just nearly pointed out for my kids I would love a break and contact for them with there dads ... Are men and women nit equals now ? Or are men ment to pay for everything and do everything? I mean it would be nice but come on its takes 2 to have a child not just one

Why are so many saying the cms is the correct figure? Its the absolute bare minimum the gov says you should pay not a target. Really on top of that should be 50% of any childcare or 100% on their day as it were. Plus more generally, it is an arbitrary figure set as a low % so low earners can still afford to give.

Anyone earning say 28k or more can give more thsn the cms minimum if they care about their child.

Why doesn't he want to spend any time with his child? Sorry, sorry apart from 'when he can'.

Yeah but did he have a good reason to leave his child?

But he isn’t paying half the costs for his child OR doing half the parenting, let alone both. Why is it not equally his responsibility? Because he has a penis? Jesus.

He's not parenting he's visiting. Some of one day if it's convenient is not sharing parental responsibility.

I did say he wasn't doing the parenting or did you not read that part 🙈 if nursery is £1200 like she said £600 of the £900 he sends goes towards nursery am I not correct ? Ans the mum oays the other £600 which makes £1200 and not even sure is she getss 30 free hours. My son was in nursery 50 hours a week and I payed £1000 a month without funding. What has having a d got to do with it ? It could be the other way round and I would say the exact same thing

YABU from the jump for sticking your nose in. Nursery will cost more than that little less feeding her and all the rest. Stop fluffing up his contribution. On the weekend “when he can”??? Bloody hell parenting is full time not part time as your brother seems to think!

It's not your business

Wow CMS calculated £160 a month for my 2 kids. Dad wasn’t particularly well paid. Not seen a penny of that in the last year though as he’s now self employed and can’t organise his finances and never seems to have any money. It sounds like the ex has plenty of money. She might need to cut her cloth accordingly. My income plus my tax credits is less than half hers.

He left her then moved a long way away so she is now doing the vast majority of childcare, so I can see why she's upset. Parenting is not just about money.

But this is up to your brother to sort. He should go to CMS, or ideally try to talk to his ex and come to some agreement.

Couldn’t agree more.

The bar is so low for deadbeat fathers and it’s quite often women that are keeping it so low.

It isn’t a race to them bottom.

A full time place at my child’s nursery in London is 2,200 £ month. So, yeh, 900£ wouldn’t even be half that, let alone going towards any of the other household expenses. And she’s doing almost all the labour/ parenting. YABVVVU.
Butt out.

Parents shouldn't call each other names.

It really does not benefit anyone.

Really damages the children.

Talk to the ex and come to an agreement.

Think very hard about having children.

It is damn hard work.

It’s not amazing that a man pays a little over the minimum he legally has to to support a child he barely sees. The £900 covers half of day care plus a £300 contribution towards the child’s lifestyle. That isn’t just food, clothes, toys, heating, housing, transport, nappies, medical, it also has to include the extras that higher earning parents would provide for their children.

Yes both parents are equally financially responsible for providing a decent lifestyle for their children. Swimming classes where I live are £18 a week - and it’s pretty common. Birthday parties with kids from daycare, play cafes have already be mentioned.

this man never has to leave work early because his baby has a temperature. Never has to pay for or find emergency daycare if he has a sick child or work emergency. He never has to pay for an overnight nanny if he has a work trip.

I doubt his costs would increase by only £900 a month if he had the baby full time. He would probably have to pay higher rent, higher bills, and work less hours. His career would slow down, his employer would be pissed off at him, and he would have significantly less disposable income.

If men and women were equal men would be able to walk away.

and you raised your personal circumstances not me!