to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

It says in the original question that he had to move to actually get work. Life is like that. I was made redundant and had to commute 90 miles - it is exhausting.

This.

A mum would absolutely be vilified for this.

And the dad they lived with would be applauded for being SUCH a hands on dad and making such a huge sacrifice to work AND look after his child.

Such double standards.

Yes but anyone who has come across a deadbeat father knows that's basically a line straight from the deadbeat dad script.

He didn't need to move to London to get a job, he chose to do so. You honestly think there are absolutely zero jobs where his daughter lives or in the surrounding areas?

Funny how the mums never have to move hours away to get a job....

To counter the £900 is loads of money crowd...

If my partner had left when my son was a baby, I would have been absolutely fucked financially if I was a lone parent and he paid £900 a month. I probably would have had to give up work and claim benefits for a while.

Many couples barely scrape by on two incomes in the nursery years and it's fucking shameful to condone women and children becoming reliant on state support because the father wants to move away and live his own childfree life.

No one is mentioning the times - which will come now the child is in nursery and in future years - when the child is ill and the mother is the one that takes the full hit in terms of her career and sleepless nights and also has to pay emergency child care.

Also op, sorry, but I don’t think it’s your place to be involved. You are bound to be biaised in favour of your brother. If there is a dispute over this then then the couple themselves need to call in a professional mediator or a lawyer.

Did you stop seeing your children when you had to find a new job?
If had chosen to stop seeing your children, did you have someone to take over that role?

Setting everything else aside he’s already paying more than what he needs to, she can take it out of that.

Do you parent to the basic minimum standard determined by the govt and no more?

Is that the standard we should all work to?

It says he HAD to move. I have been there, nothing where I live at all. Dropping to half wages and commuting 45 miles each way for a temp job. The child's mother would not be happy if he said that he would spend more time but would halve her maintenance.

Yep, he should never, ever consider doing more than the absolute minimum.

The child's mother would not be happy if he said that he would spend more time but would halve her maintenance.

We don't know that. If he did 50:50 then he wouldn't need to pay any maintenance but he would still need to pay half the childcare costs which would be £600 a month AND he would need to house and care for a 1 year old half the week.

Yes and like I said the I had to move line is straight out of the deadbeat dad script. He didn't have to move he made a choice.

It's an absolute crock of shit to say there were no jobs where she lives, he presumably had one when they were together and somehow his ex has one despite having to solo parent their kid...

I'm sure if he took a lower paid job and saw his daughter more than a few hours a month his ex would be fucking delighted!!!

Literally nothing the OP has said indicates that in any way whatsoever.

Why are you involved in this ? I take it your brother is confiding in you that he has a crappy situation to deal with and he's not asking you to solve his problems.

Mind your own business and stay out of your brothers affairs would be the best advice I can give you.

Nah, poor excuse. He must have been working before that while he was in a relationship with the child's mum. There's no way that he was finding it impossible to get a job anywhere other than London, the rest of us living outside London manage to find jobs. It might not be as well paid as a City job, but by the time you take into account the amount of living costs he must be paying to live there plus maintenance I bet he wouldn't be any worse off taking a lower paid job nearer to his child.

How do you know? Do you know her?

I read this in the original question
" He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work."

This!!!

Just because that's what he tells people to convince them he didn't basically abandon his child doesn't make it true.

I mean if it were true what do you think everyone outside of London including his ex does, sit at home with no job?

And how does that indicate that she doesn't want him to do proper, regular childcare, even if he pays less maintenance?

Op also said they earn similarly. Not so hard to find these jobs that a ft mum can't do it and all the childcare, then put up with her ex likely staying over some weekends so his family can say he's a great dad. Ffs

Cms is the bare minimum a person should pay towards their child. So the fact he pays a few hundred over this isn't some amazing feet. Your brother has the child for a few hours at the weekend? That is hardly anytime. What you are not addressing here is the mother has no option but to have a job which can fit in the child. She doesn't have the chance to swan off to London. He should have taken a job closer to home so he can equally look after the child they jointly decided to have as part of a marriage. I think asking for some money towards a baby sitter isn't that much to ask. You say she works too and has a high paying job but what you haven't addressed is how much she needs to pay for her childcare. Is she still in the same home to try and provide her child with a bit of stability as her dad has basically vanished from her life. Therefore paying huge bills? This is so one sided. Just because you allowed solo parenting to happen doesn't mean this lady should just accept it.

This really is absolutely nothing to do with you. You should remain neutral should you wish to respect your niece's mother and maintain a relationship with your niece. She sounds quite reasonable to be honest. Your brother isn't around much and she feels as though she should receive additional help. He probably could come down on a Friday night. It was his decision to move further away. If he lived closer, he would earn less, but also probably have to contribute less if it's means tested and he could spend more time with his daughter. Either way the csa payments are a minimum. Leave the pair of them to sort it out and be supportive of her. That way, you will be helping her to raise your niece in the best way possible. Your niece should be the centre here.

Every single time. It’s depressing ☹️.

You’re not even funny, so put your phone away 😳