to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

[frimscratxh]

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

Well I wouldn't say deadbeat 100% but I sure would tell him to tell her no and only pay what was told of him ..also he needs to keep receipts of the extra he been paying her. Both parents supposed to contribute 50/50 to child/children financially. So even if he can't see the kid as often he still doesn't need to pay extra for that..

Why are you taking significantly less than your ex should be paying?

how does this impact on your children’s lifestyle?

I think she's just making a point. All the money in the world doesn't change the fact that she is parenting alone practically 100% of the time. He's not available to call on in an emergency. If his daughter is being difficult, as babies tend to be occasionally, she can't call on him to come in and take over for an hour to give her a break etc. A babysitter doesn't compensate for a parent.

He moved several hours away, because he couldn't secure work? Any work? Anywhere within an hours drive? The mother has zero practical support from anyone on her daughter's father's side. It has to be difficult.

He chose to move several hours away. Maybe if he lived closer, in a lesser paying job, ok he wouldn't be able to afford the high rate he is paying at the moment, but he'd be able to offer practical help and support and build a better relationship with his daughter which might actually be more valuable.

I agree. Her whole world has been turned upside down. she is probably paying 1-1400 in nursery fees and a whole household alone which she won't have budgeted for after presumably taking unpaid maternity leave with lost pension too. She will be paying for all the formula food nappies clothes etc. babies grow fast. And doing absolutely all of the mental and physical load. I would give her the extra £30 and putup with a bit of name calling if it helps her relieve some stress then the baby will benefit from having a happier care giver. I saw this as someone whose baby's father only gives me the minimum CPS and bitches and moans about that.

He didn't just leave the relationship he literally left her to do all the parenting too

This

@haze46

Why not go through CMS and if you really don't need the extra he would be paying, save it for your children's future?

It is a long time since I was tempted to go looking under bridges....Cold and wet and windy out there.... So I won't, I might TRIP and fall into a TRAP, or at the very worst meet a hairy handed trucker. 😂

There are lots of people explaining why the minimum and occasional visits isn’t good enough. If you can’t be convinced then just go with the comments that take the view that because they did it tough or were able to make do with less back in the day then everyone should. You say you were a single parent once; surely you advocated for your child/ren or would have appreciated more assistance? Just because it can be hard doesn’t mean it needs to be and ultimately it’s the child who suffers.

Quite. She’s a single mum with full time custody who has to work between childcare hours and she has a job that pays just as much as his London job.
Is he frantically looking for work more local to his daughter op? Cheaper cost of living, and he will be able to see her regularly, even have her overnight! Surely this is his top priority? Unless he’s a deadbeat.

In terms of money it sounds like he's doing enough. Often the parent who leaves does eow or one night at weekend and one night in week. It sounds like he's roughly doing similar although does he have her over night? I think it would be fairer if they can to an arrangement of set times and he stuck to it.

I'd suggest they go through cms. If they can't agree.

There is an option to just read the OP's posts if you can't be bothered to read the thread.

He provides no care at all. He has chosen to move out of the area for work and is free to do so because he has assumed the mother will be the default 24*7 parent with him just visiting for a few hours "when he can" aka when its convenient.

Frankly parents who do this should be compensating the other parent for the care they provide and the massive hit they take on their own job and pension prospects. She is also doing his share of all parenting and home based work for the child and not being paid for it.
The absent parent who dumps their responsibilities on the resident parent is exploiting the resident parent for their own benefit. The resident parent should be compensated for that.

@wutheringkites But this thread is about money, not his parenting skills. It’s pointless foisting a child on someone who does not want to parent. I really don’t see how an extra £30 is going to compensate (and she is already getting more than that).

I’d be more concerned about my child not having a relationship with the father than cash/ but there we are.

She's looking for the money to book a baby sitter so she can guarantee a couple of hours off duty a week even if he isn't bothered showing up. Presumably she wants to have the occasional baby free lunch with friends or get her hair done sometimes but can't, because he doesn't always show when he's supposed to.

@C8H10N4O2 I did read the op's posts?
Did you?

She said he has her every Sunday and part of Saturday. That's not nothing. He also pays above what he has to. He's also disabled and the op has implied although not directly said that his ex was abusive.

I think it's understandable the ex is frustrated with his lack of continuity re arrival time. I'd be annoyed if I spent my Saturdays waiting around too. And it's not fair on his dd. I think he needs to have a set pick up time on a Saturday so everyone knows where they are.

Or he could pay what cms states and then pay a babysitter.

I'm sure she is concerned about that but what is she supposed to do when he's the one who moved away?

She said he comes back 'every weekend he can' not every weekend.

Nowhere did she say the Mum was abusive. She said he had 'a very good reason for leaving her'. To loser men a very good reason could be not having tea on the table when he got home every night, even though she was on maternity leave, not wanting sex every day, not being the 'fun girlfriend' anymore, asking him to 'help' with the baby. We have no idea what the reason was and whether or not it was a good reason, but it doesn't give him the right to abandon his child.

Given how much misinformation this man has told his sister, it is highly likely he doesn't pay anything above CMS.

So he is a bad parent but she's complaining about the wrong aspect of his parenting and that means she's in the wrong?

That has to be the biggest stretch to make something the woman's fault that I have ever seen.

Also, the very fact that our society thinks men do not have a responsibility to raise their own children and it's ok for them to move hours away from them is bullshit. These men should be vilified in just the same way as a woman would be if she did this.

It’s not nothing but it’s also been far too vague to say he does this. He comes sometimes late Saturday, so has her for.. maybe a couple of hours? Maybe not at all if 6pm is dinner and bed? Then Sunday … we would get a better picture if the op were more clear, and she is firmly team brother is an awesome dad so if he had his daughter from 6:30 am to 6pm Sunday I feel she’d tell us that! No sleep ins or nights off ever for the mum who’s a full time parent doing 100% of the nights and it sounds like 100% of the mornings and bedtimes.

@wutheringkites I never said she was in the wrong.
But really, where does it get her to keep vilifying her ex. She can call him all the names under the sun if it helps her.
You can’t force someone to parent, you simply can’t.

Just going to make her bitter.

It sounds like this £30 is to cover your brother’s lateness OP?

Why can’t he get there on time?

I'm surprised at who I assume are mostly women and mostly mothers basically excusing the father telling him to pay what's required, not a penny more! He doesn't contribute anything practical towards actually bringing his daughter up.

So people are ok with 50/50 financial aspect to being a parent and 100/0 contribution to the actual parenting aspect of being a parent. OP says he's anxious about travel yet moved "several hours away" from his daughter because he couldn't secure work.

I sense OP is either telling fibs, or is blinded by her loyalty to her brother, who lets face is it not being any sort of "father" to the child. Money can't substitute for an actual hands on relationship and support for the mother of his child.

OP stated that she’s not in the same country

Hey , I obviously don't know your brother or ex partner - but paying rent in London and travelling back and forth at weekends . Paying £900 month ! Surely it would make sense to move back closer to his DD .If this is an absolute priority to him - he would move heaven and earth to make it happen. The proof is indeed in the pudding.

frimscratxh · 19/01/2024 14:54
I mean it leaves her paying 300 for nursery and then 300 towards niece’s costs? So she’s still contributing less overall that my brother which I agree should be the case given she is with her all the time and he is not.

And who is paying for her mortgage for having to have a larger house in order to provide a roof over your niece's head. That alone will gobble up a huge amount of money.