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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is enough for brother’s ex to live off?

487 replies

frimscratxh · 19/01/2024 12:39

My brother ended things with his partner a year ago when my niece was 1. He took a job in London, several hours from my niece as he had no option to secure work. He comes back every weekend he can to see her. He’s currently paying more than cms would dictate and gives ex 900 a month, cms calculates it at 750. Last her knew she earned the same as him and after tax, with his 900, she has around 4,400 a month. She is now putting my brother under pressure to give her 30 pounds a week for a two hour babysitter on a Saturday so she can ‘keep on top of things as he’s a deadbeat.’ My brother can’t get up from London until late Saturday afternoon due to his work, so she is saying she is solo parenting all the time and needs a break to catch up. I get this but also see the huge financial strain my brother is under and she is often quite rude to him. AIBU in thinking she should be told enough is enough now? I was a single parent a long time ago so I KNOW it is hard but this seems to be taking the piss out of my brother who is trying his best. I am overseas as are our parents so can’t provide practical help.

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 21/01/2024 10:39

He could always live right near her, take a lower paid job, share custody

ellyeth · 21/01/2024 10:44

I think it's really unfair to agree that he's a "deadbeat". He is financially supporting the mother and child, over and above what the CMS estimated. He makes a great deal of effort to spend time with his child. In what way is he a deadbeat?

I expect there are many women who receive little or nothing from their exes. Of course, that is disgusting but it does seem that this man is doing the best he can.

Doppelgangers · 21/01/2024 10:45

He makes a great deal of effort to spend time with his child. In what way is he a deadbeat?

I must have missed that update... How the fuckety fuck did you arrive at that conclusion???

wutheringkites · 21/01/2024 10:49

ellyeth · 21/01/2024 10:44

I think it's really unfair to agree that he's a "deadbeat". He is financially supporting the mother and child, over and above what the CMS estimated. He makes a great deal of effort to spend time with his child. In what way is he a deadbeat?

I expect there are many women who receive little or nothing from their exes. Of course, that is disgusting but it does seem that this man is doing the best he can.

If a mother did this would you say the same?

PeachyPeachTrees · 21/01/2024 11:01

As he is not prepared to put in the effort to see his daughter much, he should pay the £30 for babysitter. Ex needs it because he isn't around to help. Choosing to see his daughter only 4 days a month does make him a crap dad, why can't you see that?

Muchof · 21/01/2024 11:18

ellyeth · 21/01/2024 10:44

I think it's really unfair to agree that he's a "deadbeat". He is financially supporting the mother and child, over and above what the CMS estimated. He makes a great deal of effort to spend time with his child. In what way is he a deadbeat?

I expect there are many women who receive little or nothing from their exes. Of course, that is disgusting but it does seem that this man is doing the best he can.

He does the bare minimum. He moved several hours away for a start, which was not essential, there are jobs in the UK outside London. You don't often hear of women abandoning their children to take up a job several hours away do you? And if a woman did to do this she would be utterly vilified. The father left behind, would be celebrated, elevated to near sainthood no doubt.

Boomboom22 · 21/01/2024 11:19

ellyeth · 21/01/2024 10:44

I think it's really unfair to agree that he's a "deadbeat". He is financially supporting the mother and child, over and above what the CMS estimated. He makes a great deal of effort to spend time with his child. In what way is he a deadbeat?

I expect there are many women who receive little or nothing from their exes. Of course, that is disgusting but it does seem that this man is doing the best he can.

He pays slightly over the minimum and makes almost zero effort to see the child, not even every week. How is that anything other than deadbeat? Often he doesn't even bother arriving in the morning, probably likes a lie in. Diddums.

Beezknees · 21/01/2024 11:21

ellyeth · 21/01/2024 10:44

I think it's really unfair to agree that he's a "deadbeat". He is financially supporting the mother and child, over and above what the CMS estimated. He makes a great deal of effort to spend time with his child. In what way is he a deadbeat?

I expect there are many women who receive little or nothing from their exes. Of course, that is disgusting but it does seem that this man is doing the best he can.

Bollocks. One day a week "when he can" is NOT making an effort. What is stopping him doing 50/50? And work is NOT an excuse, I'm a lone parent and work full time, the mother in this scenario also works full time from the sounds of it. It is only ever men that cannot possibly change their schedules to spend more time with their children. You are part of the problem for excusing it.

Hecate01 · 21/01/2024 11:32

I wouldn't call him a deadbeat dad. In my personal experience a deadbeat dad is someone like me ex who has never ever had my dd overnight, never paid maintenance, went on several holidays a year, spent every spare waking moment in a pub.

Yes he needs to spend more time with his child but if the trade off for that is he earns less and pays less maintenance will the ex wife be happy with that?

kittensinthekitchen · 21/01/2024 11:37

ellyeth · 21/01/2024 10:44

I think it's really unfair to agree that he's a "deadbeat". He is financially supporting the mother and child, over and above what the CMS estimated. He makes a great deal of effort to spend time with his child. In what way is he a deadbeat?

I expect there are many women who receive little or nothing from their exes. Of course, that is disgusting but it does seem that this man is doing the best he can.

LOLz

pollymere · 21/01/2024 11:43

I've lived on about half that. I'd be saying he can only afford the £750 and then happily hand over the £30 on top of that. She is calling him a deadbeat in front of his child when in fact he is giving a huge sum to support her.

Perhaps he should offer to swap custody too? So his ex pays him £900 a month and only sees the child on Sundays?

saffy2 · 21/01/2024 11:45

Hecate01 · 21/01/2024 11:32

I wouldn't call him a deadbeat dad. In my personal experience a deadbeat dad is someone like me ex who has never ever had my dd overnight, never paid maintenance, went on several holidays a year, spent every spare waking moment in a pub.

Yes he needs to spend more time with his child but if the trade off for that is he earns less and pays less maintenance will the ex wife be happy with that?

This father also doesn’t have his daughter overnight.
which by the way for all those belittling the ex means in the eyes of
the law and cms that his ex does have full time custody of the daughter.

StephanieSuperpowers · 21/01/2024 11:55

pollymere · 21/01/2024 11:43

I've lived on about half that. I'd be saying he can only afford the £750 and then happily hand over the £30 on top of that. She is calling him a deadbeat in front of his child when in fact he is giving a huge sum to support her.

Perhaps he should offer to swap custody too? So his ex pays him £900 a month and only sees the child on Sundays?

You think that a man who can only spare a few hours a couple of times a month wants full custody?

Beezknees · 21/01/2024 11:58

pollymere · 21/01/2024 11:43

I've lived on about half that. I'd be saying he can only afford the £750 and then happily hand over the £30 on top of that. She is calling him a deadbeat in front of his child when in fact he is giving a huge sum to support her.

Perhaps he should offer to swap custody too? So his ex pays him £900 a month and only sees the child on Sundays?

Maybe he should. I wonder why more men don't do that? Because they don't want to. He's got the far easier deal, barely having to do any active parenting and just doing a bank transfer every month.

GabriellaMontez · 21/01/2024 11:59

pollymere · 21/01/2024 11:43

I've lived on about half that. I'd be saying he can only afford the £750 and then happily hand over the £30 on top of that. She is calling him a deadbeat in front of his child when in fact he is giving a huge sum to support her.

Perhaps he should offer to swap custody too? So his ex pays him £900 a month and only sees the child on Sundays?

He left and moved several hours away.

He visits 'when he can'.

But you think he wants full custody?

Beezknees · 21/01/2024 12:01

GabriellaMontez · 21/01/2024 11:59

He left and moved several hours away.

He visits 'when he can'.

But you think he wants full custody?

Show quote history

Exactly. These men will moan and moan about paying but none of them actually want full custody because it will interfere with their lives and oh so important jobs. They know they have it easy.

StephanieSuperpowers · 21/01/2024 12:03

It's bizarre thinking. She wants to have consistency of time off on the day he can deign to see the child (but regularly doesn't bother his arse), and that translates to some posters as her somehow hogging the baby when he really wants to care for it ALL the time except for a few hours now and again? Crazy stuff.

ArnieLinson · 21/01/2024 12:03

pollymere · 21/01/2024 11:43

I've lived on about half that. I'd be saying he can only afford the £750 and then happily hand over the £30 on top of that. She is calling him a deadbeat in front of his child when in fact he is giving a huge sum to support her.

Perhaps he should offer to swap custody too? So his ex pays him £900 a month and only sees the child on Sundays?

😂😂😂

do you really think a man who ‘does what he can’ and doest even have his child overnight, would damage his career, and have mo free time, by taking her 100% of the time, except when the mother can fit her in? Really?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/01/2024 12:52

It's a shame the OP hasn't bother to come back and give some replies to the questions asked of her - esp the ones re how little he bothers to see his child, and why he decided to work so far away...

ArnieLinson · 21/01/2024 13:01

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/01/2024 12:52

It's a shame the OP hasn't bother to come back and give some replies to the questions asked of her - esp the ones re how little he bothers to see his child, and why he decided to work so far away...

And what he does with her when he does see her, since he lives so far away and it is a sunday.

im willing to bet he spends at least some of it in the mother’s home, meaning even when he has the daughter, the mother still doesn't not have her.

LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething · 21/01/2024 13:38

Just FYI on a point for you, OP - I'd think carefully before relating this story to anyone in real life in the way you have here.

If, at a social gathering, you told me the story exactly as you have here, I'd smile and be polite and make non-committal noise and comments. What I would be thinking is, "good grief, aren't you embarrassed about your brother's lack of involvement with his child? Why are you advertising it? What does that say about you and your internalised misogyny...?"

Boomboom22 · 21/01/2024 13:59

He visits at her house I think so doesn't ever care for his child. Perhaps a trip for lunch. Remember he moved hours away so he's not got anywhere to take her!

Boomboom22 · 21/01/2024 14:00

Plus forcing the ex to have him in her house overnight or her very young child in a hotel.
Which is pretty off tbh, is she not allowed to continue her life? Seems not. He'll have a gf soon and visit even less no doubt.

ftp · 21/01/2024 14:57

Boomboom22 · 21/01/2024 09:19

@ftp are you for real? He doesn't even see his child once a week. He's taking the piss and of course paying too little. Unless you think her parenting is worth literally fuck all and is the same as him living the single life like a student in London.

I was answering just the question asked. OP asked was he paying too much, not was he a good parent. Please also read that he had to go into London just to get a job to pay that. Jobs are still scarce.

wutheringkites · 21/01/2024 15:05

Please also read that he had to go into London just to get a job to pay that. Jobs are still scarce.

I could definitely make more in London than where I live. If I move away from my 4 year old, come up for a few hours a week when it suits and pay his dad £900 for raising him, I assume you would be championing me as a great mum!

Or are the rules different for men?