He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

This thread is a beautiful cautionary tale of how, when a person says 'you have to choose him/her or me', they're taking a 50% punt on the other person being chosen. This is a particularly low form of emotional blackmail - no one subjected to this should ever capitulate to it - and this alone is abusive. It's either a very arrogant or really stupid person who believes giving ultimata is ever a good idea.

Delightful to read a story of some bloodsucker - who shows all the contingent signs of a would-be abuser as a few PPs have rightly pointed out - taking this gambit and shooting himself spectacularly in the foot. I cheerfully admit this is schadenfreude. But I love to see a person who gives a cruel ultimatum have it blow right up in their face.

Poetic bloody justice.

Your house your decision, however you don't say what it is about your mum that ge finds so irritating? As I think some context would be good.

Moved in under false pretences? You are joking

OP I hope you managed to find the courage to kick him out. The issues with your mother aside he was a terrible houseguest/partner and that would never improve. He is miserly, selfish, etc… why have such a person in your life?

Wow, 🚩🚩everything running smoothly until bf moved in now he's trying to get your Mum to leave. 🚩🚩I'd not have my Mum treated like that. As you say she is always willing to babysit, and I bet your DC just love having her there. You pay for everything, it's your house so your decision. It seems you can't go on as you are so you're going to have to choose. I'd be picking my Mum to stay over controlling bf every time and telling him he's got to move out. Once he's got his own place he can be in charge of that. I'm really sure you can find someone so much nicer.

I think this is the best and safest approach OP@Areyouhavingabubble2

Financially he doesn’t give me an amount, he basically buys his own food and some take aways for the family. I feel very embarrassed to admit this as I know it’s pathetic

This is awful - where was he living before? He must be saving a huge amount by living with you.

We have spoken about ways to manage things but it’s ‘me or her’

Well that's an easy decision now.

He refuses to do the housework. Says it’s not his mess. Refuses to pay bills, they aren’t his bills.

He's bringing nothing positive to your household & you need to focus on your children & yourself.

Get him out ASAP!

I hope he is gone by the end of the day, is there a male member of family who can be with you when you tell him?

Don't hesitate to call the police if you need to

Good luck!

@converseandjeans yeah I was a bit confused about his living situation before he moved in with OP and if he owns somewhere

Amazing, well done !!!

Good to read your updates - and appalling too - he’s even worse than he first appeared which is saying something.

Your quality of life will improve once he’s gone.

I think you need to prepare yourself for the likelihood that once you choose your mother he will capitulate and attempt to stay. He will not want to lose his housekeeper, cook etc.

*To be honest the relationship disintegrated at an alarming rate as soon as he moved in.

He refuses to do the housework. Says it’s not his mess. Refuses to pay bills, they aren’t his bills.*

Sorry to see these awful details emerging. He's an absolute shit bag. He obviously pretended to be someone else until he moved in.

You must not allow yourself and your family to be treated like this. Don't let your dc witness his unpleasantness to your mum any longer.

Is there anyone who can help?

Have you thought about how you're going to tell him?

Get rid of him. Cocklodger.

@Areyouhavingabubble2

Why does he refuse to eat anything she cooks?

That's poor behaviour and very odd.

That's such a relief to hear OP. You are absolutely doing the right thing. You are understandably nervous about confronting him because he's worn you down so much over the past year and you've been bending over backwards to keep him happy so of course he will probably be quite shocked that you are standing up to him, and you are right to be apprehensive about his reactions. Don't let him convince you that he'll change, he'll tolerate your mum, make an effort etc etc - he may pull his horns in for a while but you know it won't last.
If you feel he may react unpredictably or even violently, please have a friend in the house with you or nearby. Call the police if necessary. You've made your decision now, stick to it, for your own sake and for your kids and your mum.

He must have said all manner of things to make you feel you’re unreasonable and allow him to stay under your roof for so long. He’s abusive. No wonder you’re scared to tell him. Idk if you’re talking to him atm. But if not, I do think the advice to wait until he’s gone to work on Monday is wise - change the locks and bag all his stuff up. If you can’t wait that long, please do this safely and have at least one strong man at the house to assist you.

What a prince! Time somebody crowned him!

You know exactly what you need to do . . .

. . . it starts with buying some nice big bin bags and packing his stuff . . .

Excellent advice.

God he's a vile manipulative domineering Narcissist. Can you talk to your mum ? It would not support me if she's got him sussed out .

Why are you scared to tell him? he's the one who should be concerned about his days of sponging off you is coming to am end.

frankly shocked you let him live there for free. What was the thinking there?

Lurked on here and wanted to ask if you’re safe Op?

Get rid of him

You've 100% made the right decision to show him the door. A partner should support you and make your life easier, not make you feel uncomfortable in your own home, leech off you and present you with ridiculous ultimatums.

On that note, he won't react well when he finds out that it's him being shown the door rather than your mum. Please don't let him browbeat you or talk you round - you don't need to justify yourself, 'this isn't working, you need to leave' is enough. And tell him he needs to leave by x date (tonight). He has no legal right, and certainly no moral right, to remain in YOUR home, disrespecting YOUR mum (or you!) any longer.

I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you OP, you sound like a decent person and much too good for this sponging arsehole. Stay strong x

I want you to kick him out.

Read all your posts. He is taking you for a ride, as you well know. Hope it all goes well when you tell him to go, hope he doesn’t kick up too much resistance. Even if he does he firm and stand strong, you can do this x