He wants me to kick my mum out

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My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

He’s not very bright, is he? He’s literally got everything to lose here and can’t be arsed to even vaguely try to be a decent human being!

OP I'm so glad to hear you say that. You're right, the fact that you're scared to tell him says nothing good about him at all. Good luck, I hope you're rid of him soon.

It's so hard, but you have made the right decision.
Your family will thank you

This. Just get him out as quickly and cleanly as possible, block him on your phone and tell him you don't want to see him again and to please leave you alone.

You are making the right decision op. When you feel like backing down/he puts on the puppy dog eyes, remember how many people have got your back on here and telling you hes a CF. The relief youll feel when hes gone will show you, youve made the right decision, as hard as its going to be x

Well done OP. Peace will once again return to your house.

You are setting the right example not pandering to this entitled man.

Relationships should enhance not detract or diminish our lives and that of our DC and family.

Wow. He's a seriously selfish person isn't he!
Kept up appearances just long enough.

Agree with pp, you don't owe him notice and an explanation, he's been such an unpleasant free loader that he can take his savings and stop in a Travelodge while he sorts himself out.

Change locks, bag him up and send him in his way.

If you've got any firm friends to be there while he moves on that would be useful reassurance.

Good that you have reached a decision to cease you accept this though.
It's not easy when you're in it.
You and all your family will breathe easier once you're through this bit

Maybe even book him into a hotel or something - just please get him away from you and your family, he sounds like a nasty bully. Don't be scared - have someone with you if necessary. All you have to say is he's made it clear that he doesn't like the current set up in the house, but you have chosen to live like this, and he knew that before he moved in. You not only don't want him living there anymore, you don't want a relationship with him and need him to leave immediately, no other option. And stick to that - be firm.

You’ve 100% made the right decision, OP.

Get his stuff bagged and change the locks.

He's a cocklodger. Bag his stuff up when he's out. Message him to come and get his stuff. Don't engage. Tell him if he harasses you you're phoning the police.

Sending solidarity and strength!

Yes I forgot about changing the locks good point.

I wouldn't even engage in a conversation as he'll change his mind when he realises his plan isn't working. Just get rid ASAP.

Right decision OP.. and can I pass on a hug to your mum who must have found all this quite stressful

A man that loves you would have said he hadn't realise how hard it would be to live in a busy home and move out. He's not doing that because he wants to live off you. He's a cocklodger and an abusive walker. Once your rid of him you'll be so much happier.

You've reached the right decision but in telling him, a world of hurt will follow and no-one deserves this. I'm afraid that given the extra info you have provided I would suggest, and I know this is difficult for you, that you let him go entirely, do not allow him to move out and still see him to "work on it"

The reality is that when one partner moves in with another who has kids, its not a proper partnership unless he is accepting family responsibilities. In no way, financially, emotionally or practically is he a family member. He is a lodger with physical benefits and servants so he has no right to dictate. He has no say in the family dynamics as he is simply the lodger and in fairness, as you are a mum, it concerns me that you allowed him to move in on this basis as its unfair to your family. But when we are in love and feel we are asking someone to take on a lot, we make compromises. You are way undervaluing yourself, you and your family are worth so much more.

Mother issues apart, any man that wants to be with you in a longterm relationship, takes on not just you but your family. Living with you means sharing the financial, emotio al and practical realities of family life. If your chosen partner cannot offer this up front (taking into account money limitations), then they should not be invited into your home.

This guy wants you on his terms without supporting your responsibilities and he is a freeloader. You deserve so much more and he will never step up to be the man you and your family need and you are a package deal.

You have been naive, but we have all done this and we just have to learn from it.

You have a horrendous task in front of you. My heart goes out to you. I would suggest you pack his stuff when he is out. That you ask mum to take the kids out and you deliver the news and tell him he needs to go immediately. He will say its unreasonable on many levels and he will gaslight you. Do not let him stay until he finds somewhere else, the problems he will cause during that time are not worth it and quite honestly you have already been too accommodating and he has taken the piss.

Make him leave, recover the keys, and this is why it must be a surprise to him, so he doesn't get them copied or budget to change the locks changed. Block him on all phones and social media as he will not go quietly. Tell him to write with his new address and you will forward his post for a couple of months until he has time to redirect. it. Do not give him any money or any promises to do so, you have subsidised him enough.

Tell your kids and mum that you made a mistake and he wasn't right for you and he had to go. This is not a case of him or your mum, its a case of him being controlling when he has no right to be and you and your family deserve better.

You come as a package deal and any man has to buy into the whole package or he is out. That doesn't mean that for the right man, there aren't reasonable adjustments to be made on all sides. This current guy is not accepting the whole package and I am not even covering your mum here, he wants cheap lodgings, no responsibility and to control everything, what a deal....can I move in please?

Be strong lady, you can do this, its ok to cry, rage and ask why this happens to you. And its ok to miss your special guy but realistically he isn't special in the right way and you can do better!

Big hugs and let us know the outcome.

Not tomorrow, today.

I often read on here that it's a good idea to have a burly male relative/friend with you as backup when you tell him to leave, you never know if he could turn violent. Don't feel bad about him having no where to go, if he hasn't paid towards bills and has a good job he must have enough money for a hotel.

I am glad you made the decision to get rid OP. do you have any brothers or big bulky male friends? have one of them of stand by in case he kicks off

this is nothing to be embarrassed about ... he said his way in there. being a cocklodger was probably always his plan.

ps don't listen to any pleadings of "I will change" (he wont) or "I don't have anywhere to go" (not your problem). tell him to move straightaway and change the locks (even if he gives keys back). he can check into a hotel with all the money he saved by not paying you any rent/bills.

It might. But people are talking like it's a given. She's invited him into her home presumably to make a life together. He's tried living with MIL but it's not working. He's basically saying look, i dont want this long tetm, do you wanna make an independent life together or not.
I'm not saying she should, but if it was the other way round and they were living with MIL you'd expect them to get their own place at some point.
There's no indication that he's bullying her. He's just saying it's not for him. Sounds like they'll be splitting up.

Except he is refusing to contribute to bills and does no housework.

That has nothing to do with his thoughts on living with OP’s Mum and kids.

He essentially lives rent and bill free. Not even a contribution to cover the hot water for his shower and extra electricity for his laundry.

Exactly. It would be an 'independent life' for him and not for her.

@NaughtybutNice77 he's bullying an older woman as well.

I'm so glad you've made the decision to get rid of him. Not too late you value you mum, family and self. He's taken you for a mug, and thinks he can control you. You're taking back control, and it can't happen too quickly.