He wants me to kick my mum out

[Areyouhavingabubble2]

My elderly mother lives with me in my home (and has for the past 8 years) she does do some cooking and cleaning to help out. It’s my home, I own it and pay all the expenses.

I have 3 school age kids who live at home with me and my mother.

My partner moved into my home a year ago, knowing the full situation.
He has been permanently irritated by her since he moved in. He perceives her habits as trying to annoy him and go against his wishes. She just behaves as she normally does. He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her.

He says he didn’t realise that she would have an equal say in the household and thinks it should be just me and him controlling the home and everything else.

He now says I should ask my mother to move out as she is too painful to live with and interfering in our lives. He says we have no privacy, which is reasonably true. We do however have a babysitter on hand if we wanted to go out for alone time, which he doesn’t really ever want to do.

I don’t think it makes sense to kick her out when this is my home. It would be different if me and him got married or bought/ rented somewhere together and helped set my mother up somewhere nice. He wants her gone and now and is constantly moaning about her.

Am I being unreasonable to expect the living situation to stay as it is and he just get used to it?

He's a cocklodger and he needs to go.
Even if your mother wasn't living there he'd be scrounging off you.
You say your idea was that if you met someone you would then look for a place for the two of you and the children and have your mother close by but "he doesn't want to do that". Of course he doesn't, because he would then have to contribute equally to it and he's a freeloading, cocklodging wanker.

And of course he got on well with your mother beforehand - these types are all charm until they get established.

Get rid of this knob completely.

The fact you had to question yourself as to whether you’re unreasonable shows the negative psychological impact he’s having on you ( and everyone else too).

Don’t take no for an answer when you tell him he’s leaving.
Tell, don’t ask.
He has no option … he’s getting booted out and being dumped.

"The default legal position is that you will have no right to a share of the property, unless you can prove that you have ‘acquired an interest’ in the property, often by contributing to the mortgage or home improvements or by showing that there was a shared intention that you would have a share and you have relied on it to your disadvantage"
https://www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/blog/unmarried-couples-owning-property-together-the-law/

But he isn't just saying he's unhappy with the arrangements - he moved in knowing what they are and since then has been harassing the OP to change them while refusing to contribute to the shared household, and he's trying to prevent the OP's mum from having friends visit in her space, he's refusing to share responsibilities for domestic work, he's putting the OP under pressure to ask her mother to move out - that sounds like bullying, or at least next door to it.

Well we don't know that. He's made suggestions to OP and told her what he wants and what he doesn't. The mum might not even care...I mean was she gonna stay there forever?
Choices. I suspect he'll be asked to leave.

Be prepared for all sorts OP. Promises to change, promises of money, threats, manipulation.

Someone who has been living for free is not going to just let that go easily. He's had it made with you up to now and will actually have to start paying to live again.

Genuinely struggling to see why you've even asked this here. The problem you've enabled to move into your house is obvious.

@Areyouhavingabubble2
If you can’t deal with telling him he’s a manipulative knob and choose your mum. Then just say you can’t afford to live with him and he has to move out.

To be honest the relationship disintegrated at an alarming rate as soon as he moved in.

He refuses to do the housework. Says it’s not his mess. Refuses to pay bills, they aren’t his bills.

My responsibilities and expense increased when he moved in. His decreased. And he doesn’t appear to care. He sees me running around trying to make the home pleasant for everyone and it’s just not working. Everyone feels the tension.

He’s busy with his work and friends but I don’t see how it is my job to do it all, whilst he works, only to not contribute financially or in any other way. I’m so exhausted!

The above is the very definition of a cocklodger.

You will be well rid and relieved when he goes.

Tell him today. Get him out.

Absolutely this.

This sounds like an abusive relationship please do not ask your mum to leave and don’t try to reduce visits from her friends!! he needs to go! :(

Being nice to mum before moving in was the "love-bombing" phase. It's amazing how quickly they turn once they think they have you on the hook. As for not contributing a penny to the household, what a parasitic scumbag. Laughing all the way to the bank. At least he should have enough for a hotel till he finds another place. Good luck OP. Is there someone other than your mum and kids who could be in the house when you tell him, a male relative perhaps who could ostensibly be visiting your mum in her sitting room?

@NaughtybutNice77

There's no indication that he's bullying her.

Yes there is. OP says "He is now refusing to eat anything she cooks and pretty much ignoring her."

I don't know how you don't see that as a type of bullying?

People are calling his behaviour bullying as he is throwing his weight around as the man of the house.

OP has said that he ignores her mother, refuses to eat what she cooks, complains about her friends visiting (even though she has her separate living room). He has been whinging and putting pressure on OP to kick her mum out. "it's me or her"

@NaughtybutNice77

He's basically saying look, i dont want this long tetm, do you wanna make an independent life together or not.

An independent life together where by choice he doesn't contribute financially and OP does all the cooking and cleaning etc? Yeah, he's a real independent bloke. He wants to be dependent on her to fulfil all adulting including a sexual relationship. It's pathetic.

The more you post the worse he sounds. Refuses to contribute to bills? Refuses to do any housework? He's nothing but a freeloading scumbag.

As for,"It's me or her" - just tell him you've made your decision. You've chosen Mum and you're sick of his freeloading, so he can pack his bags and fuck off.

I wouldn't have him in the house after telling him he's dumped, OP. You have a vulnerable older lady as well as children you have to protect. He will not be happy.

If I were you I'd wait until he'd gone to work then I'd get a friend to come round to help. I'd get the locks changed and a Ring doorbell installed. I'd put all of his belongings into a lock-up place which I'd pay for for one week. I'd send him the code and a message dumping him. I don't think he needs any more consideration than this.

The night you do this, every single person in the house will feel like they're on holiday. The relief will be tremendous.

Hi op, you’ve definitely made the right decision for you and your family about telling him to leave. Could you have a friend nearby if you’re nervous of what his reaction will be.

You must ensure that someone else is in the house when you tell him. Make sure your whole family is appraised.

@Areyouhavingabubble2 just in case he tells you that a bunch of bitter women have brainwashed you, feel free to show him this thread and point out that the only person explicitly stating that they are a man (that would be me) also thinks that he has behaved like an absolute piece of shit, and that he needs to get the fuck out of your house. Now. And that if he is a man of any integrity, then he will also apologise for his conduct as soon as both of his feet are permanently outside of the door.

I think your unreasonableness is in expecting him to get used to it. If he's been irritated by her for a year he will continue to be irritated by her.
If you keep doing what you're doing you'll keep getting what you've got.
He sounds childish and petulant and I'd ditch the bloke, mind you I wouldn't move in with a man and his mother. Threesomes aren't good. OK if she has her own granny flat.
He moved in under false pretences and should have moved back out again when he realised he couldn't cope with the situation

Good luck, OP.

Brace yourself for manipulation or perhaps even promises to change and love-bombing. It’s too late for promises or trying again, Keep laser-focused on the outcome you want. You dont have to explain yourself beyond ‘It’s not working for me’.

Be strong. You have hundreds of Mumsnetters backing you up. 🦸🏼‍♀️

So much very good advice how to proceed OP - I particularly like someone pointed out you can tell him he can afford a good hotel to move to immediately and put his stuff in storage too because of all the money he must have save by leaching off you for a year! Good luck. Be brave!

It has just occurred to me that I haven't seen anything on this thread about how DM feels about the situation. Apologies if there was and I missed it.