To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

Jesus Christ. Where to even start with this.

your mother sound grabby and greedy and represents all that is wrong with some people trying to exploit the system.

No. Don't agree to this.

Should you help your mother exploit your disabled daughter to rip off the tax payer?

let me think.

Thats fraud, so no.

YANBU- it's fraud. I claim it for my DD who also gets MRC and LRM and you have to be giving something like 35 or 37 hours a week of care to that child.

No, it's fraud.

If she gets caught out, it could potentially stop your child's DLA. Don't do it.

What on earth... it's fraud. It's not 'spare money someone can claim'

She sounds too selfish to care for your child. And unwell. So no.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

Lol, I bet she expected it to be written in a much nicer way than this.

No way should she get it!!! I am sat here open mouthed reading this.

No. She is not providing the relevant number of hours care to your daughter.

Should you allow your mother to exploit your disabled daughter in order to commit benefits fraud?

Er... No. No you should not.

Really?

YANBU, does she provide 35 hours (or more) a week care for your daughter? If she doesn't then how is she going to claim CA?

If she's doting enough to care for a disabled child she's able to work. She needs to work if she wants money.

It would actually be selfish to wider society to let her claim it if that means money being paid out to someone who shouldn't get it, which could be used for public services for those who do. It would also make you an accessory to fraud,arguably, if you know she is claiming fraudulently and facilitating it.

1 it’s fraud and 2 she isn’t going to do any caring for yr daughter as she doesn’t want to do any work. No disrespect to you Op but this is disgusting.

If she was going to take the load off you and help I’d have said yes.

However, she doesn’t sound like she’s actually going to be any help to you so no, you shouldn’t.

Surely if your mother is too disabled / ill to work, she is not capable of caring for your daughter?

Quite aside from the fraud element, you would be absolutely insane to let her claim it. You would lose the reasonable adjustments at work so would struggle to go to the appointments you are required to go to. Could you trust her to report back correctly from the ones you don't go to? If dd hasn't slept, with the consequent impact on your sleep, you would not be entitled to work from home.

Your mother must have done some job on you growing up that you would even consider her selfish, fraudulent request.

Your mother would not be entitled to claim it as she doesn't care for your daughter for 35 hours a week.

Bad idea. And fraudulent. It's 35 hours a week you have to spend caring for someone to claim carers allowance.

You should claim it. You won't get the money but you do get the credit and this is important. It gives you an NI contribution and just having the entitlement can give you access to other resources.

It is disgusting that your mum wants to use your child to commit fraud.

Unless she is providing 35 hours care a week for her then it would be a fraudulent claim. At one point my mum was claiming carers allowance for DS but at that point he was pre school age and not able to attend nursery much or at all so she was providing 35 hours care over the week (she also lived with us and was a godsend helping with nights and hospital stays as I’m a single mum!)

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

Well that backfired!

Yanbu

No obviously.
You despise your mother. This was not a pleasant read.