To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

Yes it is.

You can earn up to £139 a week, nothing to do with hours.

Can you please show me your source for where asylum seekers fet ten times carers allowance a week? False information likethis bullshit ought to be banned from sites like this.

@CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor

Terribly sorry to derail your thread, but I am also a carer for one of my children, but I don't know anything about a carer's card or theatre performances? I do always, where possible, buy a carer's ticket for something, where I'm accompanying DC, but I've never heard of things put on directly for just carers at free/heavily reduced rates. Would you mind signposting me to this information?

Thank you x

@Livingtothefull I completely agree with you, mine is now 34 and I still have no social life , little respite and certainly no babysitters for want of a better term !

It's a bit daft to compare anyway. Most people claiming carers allowance will not be claiming it in isolation but alongside benefits like UC or tax credits so will be getting a lot more in benefits than just just carers allowance. People always say it's a pittance as it's just £75 a week but how many people actually do just get carers allowance ? I imagine a small group who either have high earning partners, high savings or no dependent children and care for an adult disabled child or elderly parent.

@naffusername so you think it’s ok that in my 30’s I had to give up all hope of a decent career to care for a severely disabled child. Then a few years of trying to fit in minimum wage jobs around child’s needs. Now approaching retirement but had to retire early with hardly any private pension as I’m so worn out . But that’s ok because I can be paid £76 a week for the privilege. Which by the way I lose when I retire . Does that mean my caring responsibilities have finished ?!
@jeromeleen this may be thought of as ok in your group but I can promise you it’s not as common as you might think, I know of no one who does this, benefits, well anything disability related, are hard enough to come by without committing fraud .
Sorry about the rant OP but to sum up you are absolutely right to say no .

@Babyroobs Me for a start ! No other benefits, husband retired. No massive savings. In fact like most of the women I know .

@Babyroobs is right. We can bang on about non doms and ‘big corporations’ all we want but there is a HUGE number of people in this country that get out of work by whatever means possible and feel entitled to live off the taxpayer for the rest of their days through some minor complaint or another. They’re dragging the economy down and in the process, all of us. I have never heard anybody begrudge those who genuinely cannot work (for example very severe physical disability, brain damage) but to expect to be kept for the rest of your life because you’re depressed or have a minor medical condition is madness.

It is hard OP when the need to care for your DC impacts your life in unforeseen ways like this which other people don't always appreciate. I mostly have to take my DS with me when I go out; now he is adult he likes going to the pub so we take him, he is sociable but if he is over stimulated he is liable to have a seizure.

I have to be careful to drink in severe moderation so I can react if needed and get him home. And 'getting him home' is a feat in itself. Why anyone would want a wheelchair if they don't need one is beyond me. DS can't even take one step so we need it, and negotiating rough pavements without dropped kerbs, dodging people who refuse to move out of the way is an adventure in itself.

Caring is a serious, demanding and physically strenuous job which needs physical fitness as well as the necessary knowledge and soft skills. It is severely underrated as it is and the idea that any random person should feel entitled to make a claim for carers allowance to make themselves a few bob, just gives me the rage.

I can't believe what I read! Yes you have a few perks, but you also have a child with special needs. I bet you would give up the extra's if your DD could be healthy and carefree. Your mother is way out of line. Don't give in to her.

@Livingtothefull My DD can walk, but she tires quickly or is likely to have a fall which is inconvient at the best of time but without the wheelchair I'd literally be stuck carrying DD back to the car and ending my shopping trip/our day out. A slightly to fast car on the road can make her fall so its a fairly common occurance.

@CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor Bless you OP, I know how hard it is doing just the everyday things like these. You are a wonderful DM and that shines out of all your posts.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn oh, that's odd because I'm sure my letter said something about me not being able to work for more than 16 hours a week with no mention of how much I can earn.

YANBU In any way shape or form and it makes me so angry that a Mother could treat her Daughter and Granddaughter this way. My Daughter was born with a rare genetic condition. I was tested first and it was c9nfirmed I didn't have the faulty gene, so my mother didn't need to be tested. If I had got the faulty igene t would have to have been passes to me by my mother, this one only affects females) the genetic condition had started with my Daughter, not passed to her, so no way your Mom could have the condition. As others have said, it is illegal, you have to show you are caring for 35 hours or more a week. If she really was a doting Grandwother, then she would be doing some of those things anyway, to help you out, to give you a rest or because she wants too, it's not like she's working!! If it's anything like my house, I work, am a single parent and constantly ti4ed from juggling work and being a parent and a carer, so I would think she would want to help at times to give you break. She is not your responsibility , she is using your daughters disability to get sympathy, now she's laying it on thick to guilt you into saying yes. So, so wrong.. Wishing you positive vibes because you're doing difficult job, yet a great one

We don't have a choice. We care for our child or partner without any real financial compensation. There might be the family allowance for the child and a minimal disability payment for the adult.

Or we continue to work in paid employment and then pay for a stranger to provide the care.

Are we happy? No.

BUT often we choose to bring the child into the world and the child is ours to care for.

Our marriage vows say in sickness and in health (or does that only count if you get paid to follow through on the vows?)

I didn't work for ten years because of my husband's job and not being able to afford childcare, we have no family within a 1000km. So, yes, my pension sucks, but it was my choice to stay home and raise my children. We were barely above the poverty line at times. He made enough to disqualify us for any childcare subsidies but not enough to be able to pay into an RRSP for me.

Hi,

I work for the DWP and this would be fraud if she's not actually caring for her. Caring needs to be upto 35hrs a week and you would lose your C/E on UC if your Mum claimed it.

I also feel she's using your daughter to earn money, instead of finding a job suited to her age. She's 60, she's not elderly. 80 is elderly. She could have another 10 good years of working depending on how fit and healthy she is. I mean, look at Madonna! (LOL sorry...). Lots of indoor markets and local stores are always looking for a little extra help. Even the DWP are hiring and can be extremely flexible, part-time, choose your own hours etc.

The self-diagnosis sounds like she's reaching.

Yes - If you have caring responsibilities then you can have a carers passport on your work file. It will be passed along then whenever or if you move apartments. Having the carer passport means they must, by law, give you these reasonable adjustments.

The earnings limit for Carers Allowance is £139 per week, after deductions for expenses like work travel costs.

Fuck, no. Your mother is an absolute disgrace.

Do not be complicit in this, as it drags you down to her level.

Depends. Would she actually consistently help care for your daughter. She would be there everyday, on time, taking your daughter to school, picking your daughter up. Wrap around care, caring for her post op. Holiday care.

Also she mentioned she feels too old to work, then she will probably feel too old to cope with caring for your child full time.

Regards to Pip, point her in the direction of the citizens advice.

I think you got the answer you were looking for here.

Had you worded your OP differently "my Mum has been struggling to find suitable work for some time and has offered to pick my child up so I am able to work more. This means I will have more money in my pocket and pay more tax and my Mum is free from the pressure and stress of applying for jobs she cannot do because she can claim carers allowance due to my child's health condition" you'd have got a completely different response.

If you needed validation for saying no, you've got it. However, if you genuinely want to find out what others consider reasonable using a forum like this, then your OP needs to be more neutral.

Are you going to show your mum this thread?

@MustWeDoThis the Carers Passport absolutely MUST NOT be shared between managers or Departments. The data within belongs to the person who requires the passport and the Equality Act 2010 Reasonable Adjustments contained within in and it is entirely their choice to share this information with another part of the business or their new manager. It's purpose is to make that Reasonable Adjustment conversation easier not to breach General Data Protection Regulations.

Wow! Are you sure we don’t have the same Mum?! No, she should not claim it. I personally have MS, and as soon as I told my mother she decided that she must have it too as she has ‘all the symptoms’. Therefore she should be able to claim PIP. Thankfully she’s moved on from that little delight and is onto something else now, but my main point is, has your Mum been assessed for her own mental health? If your Mum is collecting your daughter after school, are you giving her something to do that? Maybe that would satisfy her?

What a lazy grabby mare your mother is. At least you haven't inherited her characteristics. no no no to letting her claim your DD's DDA.