To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

@Lala727 Providing care for a disabled child can go far far beyond normal parenting.

Imagine

• still changing nappies for children in their teens
• Dealing with violence where children are mentally disturbed - I know people who've had bookcases and TVs thrown at them
• Lifting older children in and out of baths or using hoists to get them into bed
• Constantly attending hospital and other appointments
• Endlessly changing bedding / nappies because of incontinence
• Getting very little sleep even once your children are at school
• Constantly fighting to see that their educational needs are met, that they are the right sort of school with the right support
• Not being able to get a babysitter because it's just far beyond what you'd normally need - and that means not even a night out a few times a year.
• Dispensing the right medication at the right times day in day out for years

And that's just the tip of the ice burg in a lot of cases. I don't have a disabled child but I know people who do. It's not just parenting and I don't begrudge one single penny of my or DPs tax going to support those carers who really need it

If she is getting carers she needs to care for her !

What an awful woman although I know others like this 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

@CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor Well your mother has thought very wrong then because I can't believe she actually had the nerve to ask you! My jaw will forever remain nailed to the floor in shock at your mother's utter selfish and cheeky fucker behaviour!! 😱😱😱

Of course you shouldn't let her claim carers allowance especially when she won't actually be doing any caring! As previous posters pointed out its benefit fraud.

Also I can't believe she thinks you're unreasonable she's basically demanding you allow her to claim carers allowance for your daughter which will affect all of your other benefits and the flexibility you have at work so that SHE can now have those benefits instead and her solution is that YOU SHOULD WORK MORE HOURS to make up for the losses in benefits all so she doesn't have to get off her lazy arse and fucking work!! Your mother is batshit crazy, selfish and a cheeky fucker she should be ashamed of herself.

Can you explain what you meant then?

A grandmother so doting she’d use her granddaughter to get out of working.

We wonder why this country is in the bin.

It would be a Hard No Way in Hell, from me.

Your mother is ridiculous. And a leech. And there is zero chance you could rely on her to actually fulfil the carer duties that are required to care for your daughter, including dropping everything when need be to take her to appointments, have her out of school, etc.

Your mum claims to be too unwell to work (complete bollocks), so I don't see how you could possibly trust her as a carer. And you'd be losing your own flexibility at work if you did this which will cause massive problems for you when she inevitably lets you down regularly.

It would be benefit fraud- you would be complicit and you would be clobbered.

Why do it for such a greedy lazy deceitful grasping person? Even if she is your mother.

You'd be mad.

This is terrible! I feel so sick that your daughter is being used in this way! Your mother will get caught out and then everything to do with your daughters present and future rightful claims will be investigated and she could end up really losing out if they think you are in anyway complicit.

I read this and my first thought was that your mother is vile. Wanting to claim carers allowance whilst you will be doing the bulk of care for your child just so she doesn't have to work is quite frankly disgusting. I'd be going nc and having stern words with her if it was me. The level of entitlement she displays is unreal.

YANBU....Don't do it, please don't even consider it....

When is the next CF thread starting because she has won already!

It's sad that the system allows this and makes a mockery of the genuine ones. In your 60s you do hope to be retiring but not as a lie and play the benefits, which was originally put in place to help those in need. Not just your situation but so many who just think what can I make myself entitled to and take? I know so many people who calculate the minimum they need to work so they can get full UC top up because they can. Those who genuinely need it are the ones who suffer. Xx

Fuck me, you think you’ve read everything on MN and then this comes along

OP’s Mum, if you’re reading this, get off your lazy arse and get a job. Stop trying to scam off your daughter and disabled granddaughter you absolute grifter.

It sounds like you have worked hard to get you into a space where you have flexibility you need and can look after DD.
You would be bonkers to jeopardise this.
Let your mum find another way to skive her way to retirement.

No.
You shouldn’t be railroaded into this because it’s your mother’s latest fancy.
And she doesn’t really sound the best person to care for your dd.

You mother sounds like a manipulative Women! Don't even consider commenting fraud, your mum is lazy and greedy! She sounds disgusting I'm sorry OP but this shouldn't even be considered

Lazy cow.

Your mother is an exploitative grifter who should absolutely not be claiming money she isn’t entitled to. That’s fraud, for a start. What happens if your circumstances change and or your ex need to claim it? I can’t imagine your mother taking kindly to losing her illegal income. Can it be claimed for a real carer who could actually provide care? TBH even if your mother did play doting grandma a few hours a day, she doesn’t sound trustworthy enough to care for your child.

This nails it.

Seriously? You say yes to this, you are committing benefit fraud on the taxpayer.

Excellent post which sums up much of the brutal truth of what is entailed in caring for a child with special needs. I would also point out that if your mother is unable to hold down a job then she will certainly not be up to what is involved in caring for a disabled child.

'She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.'

So 'doting' that she is content to make money out of her GC's disability. I do hope that you share this thread with her, or summarise responses at least.

She isn't your daughter's carer, so she isn't eligible for carers allowance. If you let her claim she'd have to tell a pack of lies and you'd be helping her commit fraud.

Your say you don't despise her. Well I do. She admits she wants a wheelchair so that she can carry on avoiding working? Wants to claim CA when she doesn't look after your daughter? Pretending she has your daughter's condition? Despicable.

If your Mum is as ill as she says she is then she isn't well enough to look after your DD... Simple!!

She sounds spoilt and entitled to me .Has she actually ever held down a job? At 60 she still has 6 years left to her pension.I think she is being very grabby and unfair here

I don't know why everyone is getting so wound up about it, if she really is going to be a "doting granny" and will actually spend the next few years helping you, it seems like a win win. If she is just going to claim and put her feet up and do nothing, then yes, it's not on.