To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

Plot twist @Terrrence is OP's mother?

The contact the person who is responsible for the dla claim and let them know a claim has been made for carers.

Of course not. I was replying to the ops update which sounded more defensive of her mother

Try not to put words in other pps mouth without checking your facts. You wouldn't want to look foolish when you're wrong, I'm sure.

Gross.

I have a disabled child on DLA and it seems to be quite a common thing to swap entitlement for CA within extended families. We have 2 entitlements in our family (as I get PIP) and I have to admit I've suggested that a relative claims CA in the past as it gave her a bit extra on her benefits, and she stopped being hassled to seek work (she was off sick but was turned down for LCWRA). I didn't lose anything financially from her doing that and the demands from her work coach were causing a lot of stress. She appealed and got LCWRA in the end so it was all sorted, but in our local SEN children's group that sort of arrangement is discussed regularly.

It has always seemed unfair that part time workers and students can't claim it even when they are caring for 100+ hours a week, so in a way I feel like it's better for it to be claimed and let someone in the family have the benefit of it rather than it being left unclaimed because of the difficult rules.

You absolutely should not feel bad for not allowing her to fraudulently claim taxpayers’ money, OP!

Where are the lazy Daily Mail journalists when you want them to lift a story?!

Are you sure you're even related to this woman? You sound so different. I assume you get your work ethic and sense of responsibility from your father?

I never even met her and I begrudge her the money. You do know that the minute she gets it she will come up with an excuse for why she is too poorly to drop your DD at school and pick her up, and she can't possibly take her to the hospital in her condition and you're being unreasonable to expect it, but you wouldn't dream of stopping her getting the benefit, you cruel daughter. What she gave up for you, etc. etc. etc.

No, you are absolutely not being unreasonable, and if you give in and let he have it you'll be supporting her terrible behaviour and the awful example she is setting for your DD.

Hi, as the pp decided to answer incorrectly on my behalf for some bizarre reason, see my actual response above. That wasn't what I was saying at all. Another mn 'reply' button failure

This covers it.

I am so disgusted at anyone who would think of doing this and using their own GC to extract cash. I have a disabled DC of my own whom I and my DH care for.

If any other family member were to dare to propose this to me to make themselves some cash out of our situation....let's just say I would give them 'short shrift'.

People like your 'D'M are a reason why people like my family are often perceived as scroungers out for everything that they can get. Tell her that you refuse to connive with her in committing fraud or in monetising your DD's disability for her own gain. Also tell her to get a job like everyone else.

As the mother of a disabled child, no.

You get the element because you're carrying for her. You don't get it financially because you earn too much but you're clearly getting benefits in kind. I'd work if I had a job as accommodating as yours!!

Meanwhile you're mother WON'T put in the 35 hours a week, she won't take her to all her appointments and provide full care for weeks in end of needed. Angel be toi "ill".

It's not to commit fraud because you're mom doesn't want to work

No, don’t feel bad and don’t let her claim it. It’s benefit fraud if she’s not actually providing any care for your DD.

Also, moral and legal issues aside, if your mother was claiming it and your circumstances change in the future and you needed to give up work for your caring duties, would this have an impact on what you are entitled to?

How disgusting your mother wants to use her grandchilds illness for her personal good.

How does she afford to go on holiday if she doesn’t work and is scrounging around for benefits she’s not entitled to?

You’d be complicit in fraudulent behaviour - tell her to get a job

No, do not let your mum do it. You might need more financial assistance from it later on, then where will you be?

No way can she claim carers allowance when she isn't even their carer. The money is peppercorn and it's barely worth the hassle even if it were legit. Tell her to mind her own and get whatever benefits she can for her alleged illnesses. If she has had assessments and failed then tough. She could appeal but she would have by now if her illness was real.
You said yourself she's lazy and faking it, trying to screw the government for every penny.

Your daughter needs a reliable caregiver. Nothing about what you posted about your mother describes someone who will fill that role. You need the flexibility the caregiver designation provides. It is dramatically more important than money.

She sounds more interested in money and committing fraud, and not very interested in DD. Tell her to poke off!

Please don’t attach your mother to your child’s condition in this way. There’s so many levels of dishonesty and I don’t think you should enable her by complying.

Her sisters pay for her to go on holiday, she apparently needs it. Not my business. Sisters are both married and go on holiday seperately from mum with their husbands.

I didn't say mum was faking it, I'm not qualified to say she is, but even if she does have a condition I don't feel it's so bad she can't work, even part time. Like I said I don't hate her or despise her, I just don't understand her work ethic.

If I lost my job, I'd have to get something as flexible as my current one, I couldn't just take any job going so thats a good point about why I shouldn't let her claim it. I actually work because it helps my mental health to be someone other than mum/carer which in turn benefits DD, as well as the general wanting to keep my skills up as I know DD won't be a child forever and I may in future lose the DLA/Carers.

I know full well I'd still be expected to do night wakings because I'm here, I'm not going to leave my DD on the floor and bleeding when she's fallen out of bed while I wait for my mum to drive the half an hour to mine.

ExH does help out sometimes, there's been times where I've had to go with DD in an ambulance and he's picked up our dog and looked after him while DDs in hospital and he has DD EOWend overnight and has had her for extra overnights when her sleeps been particularly bad, so I do get some respite there to. So if he lost his job I'd be happy for him to claim it because I know he'd pick up the slack if needed, which is why it felt wrong to not let mum claim it but you've all shown me she doesn't help me at all. I'd still be doing the school runs, and the night wakings, and the bathtimes, and everything else just without the flexibility at work.

If your mother did 35 hours caring a week, it wouldn't be fraud and it would be perfectly reasonable for her to claim.

But would it be in your daughter's interest? To have the majority of her out-of-school hours with her grandmother and not her mother? To not have her mother there if she needs surgery? For her mother to struggle to attend important meetings?

And then when your mother reaches retirement age and you need to resume being primary carer, what are the chances of finding another job so flexible?

Can your mother even manage full time caring now, if she feels she is ill, disabled and elderly and not fit to work? I've done it and there are plenty of much easier jobs around!

I'm sure your mother loves her granddaughter. So maybe she could seriously think about whether her request is what's best for your daughter. And I hope she'd then withdraw her idea so you don't even have to bother refusing.

If your mum isn’t actually caring the. No she shouldn’t claim it.

That said just because the government has decided we can work ourselves into the grave doesn’t mean people should have to. Women used to retire at 60 and instead of allowing men to retire at 60 too they decided both men and women should work until 67. Early 60s didn’t stop causing people to feel old and exhausted and done with work it was just the government decided because their wealthy pals can live longer, so can everyone Else.

Of course some people leap into marathon running or power lifting in their 60s but the majority don’t. Give this woman a break, she should have been allowed to retire by now.

Absolutely not, do not let her claim carers. Aside from the fraud aspect, if she's too "ill" to work then she eventually the excuses will start as to ehy she can't pick your DD up. The flexible benefits from your employer alone are worth more.
I'm in a similar situation with a child in receipt of DLA and I have a very flexible employer too. I could get more money work for another company but I don't believe I would get the same flexibility that I currently have for e.g if the school phone because he's not coping and I have to pick him up. My son's disability comes across as "mild" to most who don't know him and I thought as he is in secondary and my youngest in junior school, I would be able to go back full time but things are far worse than I ever thought they would be - the flexibility of my employer has allowed me to keep my job as I'm sure another employer wouldn't be so understanding