To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

Your mother is greedy and lazy !

She only has a few working years left if in her early 60's, I guess she retires at 67 ? So she has less than 7 years to work.

If she is unemployed, she can go and claim UC - tho they will expect her to look for work / prove she is looking for work etc.

If you/she claim for her to have the allowance then you would need to report your change of circumstances to your employer immediately - and as they sound good towards you that is the last thing I would be doing.

I can think of several places she can work, using a walking stick / walking aid etc. She could do 2 x 8 hours or 3 x 6 hours or even 4 x 4 hours in a supermarket - sitting down !

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. A parent shouldn’t do this to you.

Yes, that's exactly what she's getting at

This. 100%

Wow, your mother sounds awful.
please don’t lower yourself to her level and do this.

I don't give a flying fuck about it being taxpayer's money. I pay enough tax, I'm fine with it being claimed by all genuine carers - and reckon it should be far, far higher, even if that costs me more out of my salary.

However, I do give a fuck about some lazy twat wanting to claim it to disadvantage her own daughter (and granddaughter) when she's not doing the 35 hours a week it requires.

The answer is 'No. We're not doing that'.

No it's fraud. Lazy mare, she's only 3 years older than me. Shameful.

Her mother's entitled attitude is not pleasant either.

'No Mum, it's fraud' and repeat.

Your mum is the cheekiest of CFs

Wrong thread?

NO. i'm sure you don't want to be party to fraud

What happens if for whatever reason your income drops or you become unemployed and entitled to claim the full sum. Is your mum going to relinquish it?

Absolutely fucking not. How dare she?!

It’s dishonest and do you not realise the money ( intended for carers) has to come from somewhere? Where do you think it comes from?

So no, you should not let her claim it.

If you had set out the reasons along those lines I would have said of course you are not being unreasonable.

BUT you are unreasonable to the extent that this aspect didn’t even seem to feature in your reasoning. Instead your motivation seems to have been being punitive to your mum. A grisly post all round.

Absolutely not. She's 100% not do any caring once she gets it. She will probably be too busy attending all those discounted and free events that she gets with the carers card to do any helping. She will probably want the blue badge as well so she doesn't have to walk so far.

People like your mum ruin it for everyone. She is the reason all these assessments are done and the threshold for able to work is so so high. She needs to get off her arse and get a job.

You need the adjustments and protection, you need the back up in case anything ever goes tits up at work. All it takes is one higher level new manager or a change in ownership/ risk of company going bust and all that flexibility is gone.

This.

Many seem to think that way sadly.

i think many people don’t realise how much extra care needs to provided to a child for them to qualify for DLA. As much as it’s my norm I’m pretty sure most parents of 14 year olds don’t need to supervise them in the shower still, or get up to sort their feeding pump multiple times a night (I could carry on but I won’t)

Well, she is either-
Ill enough that she needs a carer, so can't care for DD, and is a CF for asking you to do this knowing it will only benefit her.

Or

She's lied to defraud the system, and is selfish, and seen herself a loophole for an extra £60ish a week.

Neither sit particularly close to doting Grandmother, or supportive mother to be honest.

And this is why the country is on its arse. Lazy feckless people constantly trying to rip the system off because they can't be bothered to go to work. Meanwhile those who really do need help can't get the help they need due to cuts in services.

You should be ashamed for even needing to ask this question op

Hell. Fucking. No.

Would she be so underhand as to try to claim it anyway and make up some BS about actually caring for your DD?

Wow. She's a scrounger who knows no limits.

A ex colleague had the view that parents being able to claim carers allowance was stupid as thats parenting. He then went on to have a severely disabled child, his view changed pretty sharpish, funny that.

No.

The hoops we had to go through to get it for my mother were insane but she was in her 80s and no longer able to cope on her own.

OP, your mother is definitely not entitled to CA, however much she feels she is.

I've read it as OPs mother has a chance in hell of becoming her DDs carer.. she obviously doesn't like or respect her mother- understandably and seems to see that her life and DDs life would be no better for her mother being a carer for DD.

Your mum is a lazy, selfish grifter and that is her business I suppose. Not how I would want to live my life. But I would absolutely sever all ties with anyone who tried to use my child’s health issues and disabilities to con others for any reason. Fucking appalling attitude and behaviour from her.

I’m guessing she’s spent your whole life manipulating and gaslighting you and that’s why you feel bad about saying no to this. Please don’t let her hook her claws into your child and do the same to her.