To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

Jesus Christ. Where to even start with this.

your mother sound grabby and greedy and represents all that is wrong with some people trying to exploit the system.

This, completely!! Sorry but people like your mum make my blood boil! She wants to exploit your daughters medical condition for her own gain! It'd disgusting.

Also, hate to say it as I am very much a supporter of the welfare state and happy to pay higher rate taxes, however I didn't work over 60 hours already this week missing my kids to facilitate someone who could work can exploit a disabled child for benefits

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can.

Does part of you also realise this would be benefit fraud and it’s not within your gift to ‘let her claim it’?

Sick of people acting like this is free money up for grabs.

And I speak as a carer to my elderly, disabled mum who receives PIP.

No she shouldn't get it.

And who vote she should 😲

God, do NOT risk your reasonable adjustments!

Your mother sounds both hard of thinking and untrustworthy so even if she could take on full 38 hours of caring you couldn't trust her to do it well or properly.

Also get the claim in yourself before your mum tries to do it behind your back and you're put in the awful position of either letting her use your disabled child for £76 a week or reporting that she is attempting benefit fraud.

The mum. Hi Caring's mum!

People like your DM are why all disabled people have to jump through so many hoops to get the disability benefits that they're entitled to. Because if you make it easy to claim parasites like her leap on the bandwagon and claim benefits they're not entitled to, costing the taxpayer a fucking fortune. Your DM is a lazy disgrace of a human being.

No. Just no.

She’s not your DD’s carer, you are.
Your work sounds like they’re being fantastically accommodating of your caring role and needs, and IMO it would be a mistake to risk losing that.

Plus, given the way you’ve described your mum - is she really going to do all the school runs, all the appointments that don’t need someone with parental responsibility, all the caring your DD would need after any future surgery? Or is she going to start finding reasons why it’s too much effort because she’s feeling too old and too unwell?

I don't despise my mum, I just don't understand her. She says I'm lucky because I could quit my job if I wanted and carry on financially. But I like working so I do.

I do actually provide 35 hours or more of care for my DD, even though she's at school, there's the hours before and after school, theres when I have to literally run out of work because she's had a fall and is bleeding, there's the night waking and care surrounding that, there's the limit to my social life because I can't just go I have to be nearby.

Even when she's with ExH for the weekend, I don't go far from home as she often doesn't sleep for him so I have to pick her up early.

It's taxpayers money. All pps money. So no, it's not spare money someone can claim. Wtf

Providing care for a disabled child is parenting.

I bet she did.
If she suggested op post here you bet your arse she's reading.
Maybe even posted if there's anything that reads batcrap crazy.

Here's your arse Mrs C 😂

God, no! Do not agree to this and do not discuss it further with her. If she wants more money she can earn it instead of exploiting her granddaughter.

No it's fraud. And if I were you I would want to limit not increase your mother's presence around your child. It's going to affect your ability to meet your daughters needs which isn't in her welfare interests. And if she has all these multiple problems then surely she can't offer that amount of care to your daughter. She's exploiting the disabilities of others and making life harder for them. I feel quite angry just reading about this

You need to tell your mother to duck off. What she is proposing is benefit fraud and you absolutely should not be party to that

if she wants money she works. Personally if she has the attitude you say I would be going LC

It’s very difficult for someone who doesn’t live with a disabled person to demonstrate they are caring for 35 hours a week. For a parent or spouse, this is easier. But your mother wouldn’t qualify as providing this care. She is not someone with PR for your child nor their next of kin.

Don’t let her claim it. She’s clearly not able enough to be your daughters carer, your DD isn’t a cash cow, and if something changes and you need to stop working then both you and your DD would loose out financially.

Jesus! I hope this is made up. Your mother is a lazy and conniving malingerer who only cares for herself.

Good grief, what a leech.

Bloody hell. Where to start.

No. The only person claiming carers allowance should be you. And from my understanding of your post, you may not benefit from the actual money, but you do benefit in other ways as the designated carer. If you mum claims it, then surely you will lose these other benefits, such as guaranteed time off?

On the one hand your mum is trying to paint herself as being the one needing to be cared for, yet at the same time is merrily saying she is capable of caring for your daughter?

She needs to give her head a wobble and sort herself out. You must not get dragged into her attempts to commit benefit fraud.

No, tell your mum we say she’s a cheeky fucker

Are you being serious, op? Your update doesn't sound like you're understanding pps outrage and shock

No she shouldn’t. Has she always been lazy and not worked? What does she do money if she can afford to go on holidays?

This.

Tell your malingerer of a mum to fuck off.