Children at wedding

[shrinkingbee]

We are having a wedding this year, child free, apart from our children.

We have many family and friends with young children who are sorting childcare which I understand is inconvenient but all are happy to do so.

We have one friend & wife, who are due a baby 2 weeks before the wedding. On their reply (addressed to both adults, and clearly specifying no children) they advised they'd be attending, leaving their older child at home but bringing their newborn with them as they will only be approx 14 days old.

AIBU in thinking no children means no children/babies/toddlers/teenagers?
Am I a complete cow for thinking we shouldn't be making exceptions for one couple?

team of Nannies

How many children do you have?!

As someone who has children I would expect you to realise that people don’t leave 14 day old babies.

Do you struggle with reading comprehension? She said she didn’t know they’d have a baby at this point

How boring for your kids having no other children to play with for the whole day.

And yes a baby who is 14 days old would obviously be with the mum. Not sure why you are even inviting them though if you aren't close and risk paying for empty seats if they don't actually come

Babes in arms is slightly different and 2w is not the same as a 4/6mth old

People won't think there's a baby why couisnt I bring my toddler /4yr

The fact they aren't bring their eldest means they know what no children is

But a newborn 2w baby is not the same

Depends if you want them there. Sounds like you aren't bothered as not a close friend and dhtb knows then rather then you

Fwiw my first wedding was no children but my bf had a baby 4/6w old

I did say she was obv welcome to bring baby but in the end she left with gp

I think the only upset for other guests would be if there is someone else with a baby under six months that they have had to make arrangements for, or who has turned down the invite because they can't leave the baby. Even then, they'd probably just kick themselves for not asking if babes in arms were okay, rather than get mad about it, so if nobody else has asked, I don't think there's a problem.

I'm not sure taking a baby out to such a public place without the six week vaccinations is a good idea. Perhaps you could mention that. It's your wedding to do as you wish though at the end of the day.

Crikey! Mumsnet literally looses it’s mind when it comes to childfree weddings 🤣🤣

Back to reality. OP- I have attended lots of childfree weddings with multiple friendship groups (in fact, they are more common than child friendly ones!) There have not ever been any babies there. Anyone who couldn’t leave their children explained and declined the invitations with no drama. And those who could attend did so, with no drama.

A close friend was supposed to have been a bridesmaid for another, but ended up having her baby early. She didn’t feel up to coming/ couldn’t because of having a newborn, and whilst the bridal party were sad of her absence; again, there was absolutely no drama 🤷🏽‍♀️ the offer of her still being briedesmaid was there if she wanted it, if she didn’t also absolutely fine.

yes the wedding is, much to your surprise, about the people who get married

Actually I couldn’t disagree more. Yes a wedding is about the couple; they are also about family, friends, community. This is how it’s always been before this toxic culture of individualism we now seem to live in. If you want a wedding that’s all about you and you don’t have to consider the basic human needs of others, then fine, no problem, elope, go to a registry , whatever you fancy. However, If you want people to turn up, to celebrate your wedding with you, then treat your guests with some basic consideration and respect. It’s a basic principle of hosting.
A pp put it best, don’t invite someone you are not prepared to host.
A 14 day old baby obviously comes as a package deal with their mother. Now OP has later clarified that she actually didn’t know this woman was due at that time, so that’s fair enough she couldn’t have known. But now she does, the decent / polite thing to do would be to adopt the very typical principle of allowing babes in arms. oP has already clarified that the baby being there won’t bother her and None of her other guests with older children will be offended unless they are complete a-holes.

She is prepared to host them. Without their children. It’s up to the couple whether they want to go or decline. What’s the old saying? Invite not a summons? Making a presumption that the couple wouldn’t want to come because they’re having a baby is wrong. Receiving an invite address to you and DP husband only and presuming that it also extends to your baby and that the no kids clause doesn’t apply to you is also wrong.
The takeaway should perhaps be that people should stop presuming things and if they have even the teeniest shred of doubt they should check first?

And no OP doesn’t have to uninvite, she just has to clarify that they’re not special, it’s still a no kids wedding and it’s completely their choice whether or not they attend. If she wants to that is. Personally I’d make an exemption for babies under 6 months. But it’s not my wedding so she’s entitled to do as she pleases.

They shouldn't come

I think you needed to put a covering note to be honest to explain that you realise they may not be able to attend but still wanted to extend the invitation. They were cheeky assuming they could bring the baby without a discussion.

@shrinkingbee I had a child free wedding. I specifically didn't want children/babies making a fuss and spoiling the service, our vows especially. This included babes in arms. And when we counted up who had children, the children would outnumber the adults. I wanted an adult wedding, not a children's party.

I've been to too many weddings where little children/babies cried throughout and weren't removed. Some because they were flower girls or part of the main wedding party.

I accepted that some people would decline and some would get sitters. Entirely their choice. The ones that came were happy to have a child free day out.

I do think it's very cheeky of them to accept and tell you they're bringing baby. Apart from anything else, she could be late in delivering, have complications and not be well enough to attend at the last minute. They're putting you in a position where it's too late to get a refund so you'll be left with 2 empty seats that you've paid for.

If you're not that close I'd be writing back explaining that it includes newborns and you understand they won't be able to attend.

Two weeks after her due date… the likelihood is she won’t be there regardless. As a mum who also had a child free wedding (with many not being happy about it) I feel for this woman and also your situation. She will not want to leave her baby this young. But, that’s her situation to deal with, not yours. Child free means child free. I wouldn’t even expect to go to a child free wedding with a baby, newborn or not, and would just decline the invitation.

If you’re set on child free then politely get in touch and apologise but explain that no children means no children and let them decide what to do. However, just to put another perspective on it, I could have taken my DS anywhere at 2 weeks old. He basically just slept and only cried if he was hungry or for a change, which we could quickly remedy. So if you do allow her to bring the baby there is a chance you won’t even know they’re there. It depends how dead set you are on no children.

We had no children at our wedding and my best friend assumed her 2 month old was the exception and I only realised through a passing comment she made, and I had to have the awkward conversation. It meant she decided she wasn’t coming, but we didn’t fall out over it and the whole thing was left amicably. She did end up coming by herself in the end as her husband stayed home with the baby.

Team of nannies 😂😂😂

Dh and I wouldn't have left our two week old. Tbh unless I knew the couple well I wouldn't have gone 2weeks pp.
they should've just checked it was ok without assuming though. I think other guest (with a brain) would know why a 2 week old had to come.

YANBU. If an invitation says 'no children', then it means no children. I think it's rude the couple told you they would be bringing their infant rather than asking if they could.

Being honest I have big regrets about being so petty about not having kids at our wedding. I wish I’d given couples the option and not been so draconian about it. It was a misstep for me and I cringe when I think about it now. But even I didn’t flinch at one couple who said they were bringing their newborn! A baby who is 14 days is tiny and will likely sleep the whole time.

I think this thread is a wind up, who would ever leave a 14 day old baby with a sitter unless it was an emergency. I don’t know anyone who would not have a newborn at their wedding

A team of nannies. Lol. Definitely a wind-up.

I think I'd just feel a bit bad for all other guests, going to big efforts to sort childcare and see other children there.

On this point specifically, I think this is a non-issue.
You'd have to be a massive twat to get pissed off that you couldn't bring your 7 year old but someone else got to bring their 2 week old baby. Even parents of older babies would probably understand that a 2 week old is a different kettle of fish.

What does your fiancé say ? They are his guests, the husband being an old friend of his and all. Why are you the one deciding if they can come?
I understand you didn’t know the due date before sending the invite but did you fiancé ?

Also, don’t worry about some of your guests resenting having to arrange childcare for their kids. They will do that anyway when they see your « team of nannies »

Are people being deliberately obtuse?

She's not expecting the woman to leave her child, she didn't even know the due date when she sent the invite.

What she was expecting was that her guests would either stick to the no child policy, or decline the invite.

Not take it upon themselves to decide that they were actually going to bring their child regardless of the bride and grooms wishes.

I'm impressed that they even want to attend 2 weeks after having a baby, there's no way I would! However, if they do attend, then I think it's unreasonable to forbid them bringing a 2 week old baby! It's not like they eat anything, run around, or cause a scene at that age so what's the big deal seriously?