Children at wedding

[shrinkingbee]

We are having a wedding this year, child free, apart from our children.

We have many family and friends with young children who are sorting childcare which I understand is inconvenient but all are happy to do so.

We have one friend & wife, who are due a baby 2 weeks before the wedding. On their reply (addressed to both adults, and clearly specifying no children) they advised they'd be attending, leaving their older child at home but bringing their newborn with them as they will only be approx 14 days old.

AIBU in thinking no children means no children/babies/toddlers/teenagers?
Am I a complete cow for thinking we shouldn't be making exceptions for one couple?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all I'm not wanting children/babies at your wedding, but if it was me, I would assume thst the friend concerned would not be willing to leave her baby and would suggest maybe going out for a nice lunch a few weeks later in a child friendly restaurant.

@shrinkingbee regarding your query about when the cut off is, for events I organise at work we categorise a babe in arms as a “non mobile infant” i.e., is not yet able to walk, cruise, or crawl.

That’s a very strong reaction to something that is not a personal slight. It would have been if everyone else was allowed their babies but that’s not the case. Maybe take a step back and see their wedding is not about you.

Ok so based on your updates I’m guessing that you were expecting them to decline. I guess now you have 2 options:

1. message/call them and say something along the lines of: apologies for any misunderstanding but the wedding is adults only and you totally understand if they can’t make it as a result and good luck with their new arrival; however, if they’re the type to ignore your perfectly clear invite and rudely RSVP for baby without even calling you to discuss this will likely go down like a lead balloon and they might never speak to you again

2. accept baby is coming; if you have any other guests with <6 months old then tell them they are also welcome to bring their baby; 6 months being an obvious cut off as they’re not mobile nor eating food yet

I've never been to a child free wedding that didn't allow babes in arms. It's never bothered me as a guest whose older children weren't invited. Most parents understand that a child that age just can't be left.
Would you have left your children at 2 weeks old to attend a wedding OP? I think just put yourself in their shoes.

No children means no children. Its pretty clear in those 2 words. How anyone can assume there are exceptions without asking the person making the invite is nothing more than an entitled attitude.

If they are not close then it makes sense you had no idea when they were due. It also stands to reason baby maybe late or mum may not be up to attending so you could end up with a last minute cancellation which would be a waste of money for you.

I would go back to them and say something along the lines of not wanting children and it wouldnt be fair on other guests if you allowed theirs to attend so you completely understand if they cant attend.

Dear God, some of you are reacting like OP suggested forcibly dragging the mum to her wedding kicking and screaming, leaving the baby in an orphanage.

I genuinely don’t get how you all get through the day with this amount of rage in you.

Nah, it’s about basic human decency and respect for Mothers and women who have just endured childbirth and now have a baby entirely dependent on them.

I was two weeks post C section adjusting to a newborn and a toddler at home. If they hadn’t have made my DH attend by asking him to do a speech I might have felt better. But they deprived me of my DH for the day AND barred me from the wedding.

I'm a bit surprised you've invited people and you didn't even know when the baby is due?

If you're not that worried about the friendship, just hold your line then on no babies. You said it in the invitation, you're perfectly able to do so.

Two less mouths to feed. Bonus!

Honestky, some people on here have completely lost the plot, looking at how dramatic they are. I’d wager they’re also the reason people plan childfree weddings to begin with.

given OP barely knows these people I would not budge. If these were actual good friends, then maybe depending on how many other people would cry for an exception. But met them once? They’re having a laugh.

btw it’s worth considering that babies do count towards headcount for safety purposes. Id not accommodate someone I barely know on the basis someone I’m actually friends with is missing out.

Its your wedding but telling a couple they can't bring their newborn with them is telling them they can't come to the wedding.

Why even bother sending an invitation?

Yes you are a complete cow for expecting someone to leave their 14 day old baby at home while they attend a wedding.

You were obviously expecting them to decline the invitation. I would have...

How old are your own children, who will be supervising and keep them fed, watered and entertained. I like to see children at a wedding but maybe some couples think it's a distraction or might overshadow the day.

Repeat after me: you are not entitled to demand the guest list of someone else’s wedding. Respect and decency towards new mothers really doesn’t come into this, but I suspect you’re that kind of person…

I am childfree but I wouldn’t, and didn't, have a childfree wedding and I had lots of complaints from parents who had expected that because we are childfree, we would have a childfree wedding and they were looking forward to it! You will never please everyone when you get married, so you need to do whatever you both want, explain clearly but kindly you don’t want the baby there and understand they won’t be able to come. You didn’t know when the baby was due and you’re not that close so it’s clear why you aren’t making an exception in their case.

We had strictly no children but had two babies (one just 2 weeks old) because we’re not monsters. I barely noticed them.

Equally I suspect you’re a certain kind of person too.

You don’t have to agree with me, but I am allowed to acknowledge (and share) my own experiences of this scenario.

As others have said, for some weddings 'no children who are mobile and will need catering for at the reception' and assume a tiny baby in a carrier will be allowed, so I can see how this has arisen. But they should have asked you if it was OK to bring their newborn, rather than just telling you they were going to be bringing it along.

As always with this sort of situation, YANBU to want a wedding without any kids there, and it's totally up to you if that extends to kids of the babe-in-arms variety. It's not unreasonable to say they can't bring the baby. But of course, given how tiny the baby will be, that will probably mean the couple won't be able to come to the wedding, so of course you obviously can't be upset if they turn down your invitation.

To be honest, I would have thought going to a wedding would be the last thing anyone would want to do two weeks after giving birth! And presumably unless it's a planned C-section, it's perfectly possible the baby won't actually be born until even closer to the wedding anyway.

Op don’t know how old the baby would be.

It when writing this post, you knew the baby was going to be 14 days, so I don't know what you're saying here. You said should you say no to them attending and you won't make an exception.

Did you leave your 2 week old for a full day?

They dont even know they will be able tp attend with a baby that young/maybe not even born yet. Considering you're paying a couple of hundred quid for them that's the unreasonable thing.

Also the assumption the baby wont be like my (now very calm) DS who scream cried consistently until i realised he had cmpa

Why did you invite these people in the first place, OP, if you knew that they would likely have a newborn baby, potentially less than 2 weeks old, at the time of your wedding? You surely weren't expecting them to abandon a newly born baby just to attend a wedding?

YABVU and rather silly. You state that you already have children of your own and that your husband-to-be also has children of his own - and all of them will be at the wedding, but you're not allowing any other children to attend.

It seems peculiar to me that both of you are so against having children present at your wedding when you're both bringing your own (as indeed one would of course expect you both to do!).

@LetMeOut2021 no one made your husband attended.
He could have declined, he could have explained that he could not make a speech as he wouldn't be able to leave you home alone.
Save some of that energy for him, perhaps

When we had our wedding, we had tried to restrict numbers by saying no local children. Friend had baby- few months old possibly- and asked if she could bring him because of breastfeeding. I hadn't even thought about that so I said of course he should come.

But I doubt they will want to come to a wedding with the DW two weeks postpartum anyway.

You're being very unreasonable. Child-free weddings are just wrong to start, but you do you... Now a baby so young can't be separated from their mother, at that age babies spend most of the time asleep anyway. Your friend is making a tremendous effort to come to your wedding so close to her due date, if I were her I'd stop being friends with you very quickly, I hope she finds this post