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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children at wedding

193 replies

shrinkingbee · 17/01/2024 15:58

We are having a wedding this year, child free, apart from our children.

We have many family and friends with young children who are sorting childcare which I understand is inconvenient but all are happy to do so.

We have one friend & wife, who are due a baby 2 weeks before the wedding. On their reply (addressed to both adults, and clearly specifying no children) they advised they'd be attending, leaving their older child at home but bringing their newborn with them as they will only be approx 14 days old.

AIBU in thinking no children means no children/babies/toddlers/teenagers?
Am I a complete cow for thinking we shouldn't be making exceptions for one couple?

OP posts:
WhatFlavourIsIt · 17/01/2024 16:16

It's not unreasonable to have no children, including babies. That said, you do have to be clear with them that baby isn't invited. Give them a call to explain and be clear that you understand that means one or both of them may not be able to come.

Tandora · 17/01/2024 16:16

idontlikealdi · 17/01/2024 16:10

I think no children includes babies, otherwise you risk upsetting the parents who didn't bring their baby. What do you class as the cut off for being a babe in arms.

Literally the ones that will be carried in arms rather than running around causing chaos. I’ve not been to a childfree wedding that didn’t make an exception for babes in arms. How precious.

Tandora · 17/01/2024 16:17

WhatFlavourIsIt · 17/01/2024 16:16

It's not unreasonable to have no children, including babies. That said, you do have to be clear with them that baby isn't invited. Give them a call to explain and be clear that you understand that means one or both of them may not be able to come.

“May not” 😂. of course at least one of them won’t be able to come.

Jovacknockowitch · 17/01/2024 16:18

YANBU tell them to fuck off with their baby 😂

ZenNudist · 17/01/2024 16:20

They'd have to be a bloody great friend to come to the wedding 2 weeks after having a baby. Baby might not even be born.

They obviously can't leave the baby and it's a bit much to expect the dad to come on his own.

I would probably speak to my friend and say that given the timing they should probably not come. Don't get into whether they come with the baby. Just say you didn't appreciate due date was so close to the wedding, she might go over or need to rest up, you want her to look after herself and her DH to look after her so best not to come but you can look forward to meeting after and she can introduce new baby and you can tell her about the wedding.

TeenLifeMum · 17/01/2024 16:20

Usually babies in arms are an exception because clearly no decent parent would leave a 2 week old baby for your wedding. If you don’t want that then let them know and I would assume they won’t come. I guess it depends how much you want them there.

SummaLuvin · 17/01/2024 16:21

AIBU in thinking no children means no children/babies/toddlers/teenagers?
no - this is clearly a misunderstand/communication as many other child-free weddings allow babes in arms as there is no option for childcare for such a young baby.

Am I a complete cow for thinking we shouldn't be making exceptions for one couple?
no - but you have to be understanding of the fact this will meaning attending the wedding is actually impossible for at least one of the couple (probably the mother) bur potentialy both.

DonnasShrugaleros · 17/01/2024 16:22

I'd never have presumed a child free wedding would include babes in arms. I think it's a given that the couple won't be able to attend, they should check with you if the baby would be permitted but stick to your guns if you don't want it there.

I wouldn't consider the OP a monster, just someone who would like to be able to listen to the vows she's exchanging without babies crying.

LetMeOut2021 · 17/01/2024 16:22

My DH’s friends had exactly the same rule at their wedding. I had a 2 week old, he was breastfeeding. Venue was a 2 hour drive, I didn’t have anyone willing to take my baby even if I’d have wanted them to. Had I have wanted to leave my baby I’d have had to leave him knowing he might not take a bottle.

Its absolutely cruel IMO to expect a Mother to leave a newborn out of anything other than free will.

My DH was asked to make a speech at the wedding and rushed there for the ceremony and rushed home to get back me, post c section with a toddler. I really resent his friends for it.

Babies have a totally different impact that toddlers - I would have happily sat out of the ceremony, as far as I was concerned I wasn’t welcome.

MaggieFS · 17/01/2024 16:23

I don't know whether to believe this or see if the poster is trying to prove a point, or it's a reverse.

Assuming genuine, YABVU to expect people to leave a two week old baby (assuming it's born on due date) behind for the length of a wedding.

It's very common for "no children" weddings to still include babies up to six months. They won't cost anything, nor get in the way of anything. All you need to do is have a quiet word to ask that the baby is taken to a different room/outside if it's noisy during the service or speeches.

We had two at our child free wedding and I didn't even know they were there.

And I bet you NO ONE who has gone through the pain of sorting out childcare for older children would begrudge a two week old being there. It's hardly an exception.

Particularly given you have your own children, yes you are being a cow. What do you seriously expect them to do?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2024 16:23

You obviously don’t want them to attend so why did you invite them?

Lovingitallnow · 17/01/2024 16:23

You are a cow- sorry. It's too late now. The only way to do it would be to have rang them and said obviously with the baby if they're born you won't be able to leave them with anyone so there's no pressure at all. But you didn't. Any reasonable person would think if you invited the mother two weeks after her due date you were inviting the baby too. Anyway chances are she won't make it so no need to stress. But I'm afraid her assumption is not unreasonable and you are being a cow.

Hercisback · 17/01/2024 16:23

😂 Are you actually crazy?

Of course no one is going to leave a newborn baby for a wedding.

sockarefootwear · 17/01/2024 16:24

I don't think you're being unreasonable not wanting a baby at your wedding (it's your event, so entirely up to you who is invited) but also I don't know anyone who would want to leave a baby that young without either parent for very long. Particularly as if the mother is planning to breast feed they will still be establishing feeding at that point so it would be very difficult and uncomfortable. I think it would be entirely reasonable of the couple to assume that if you invited them knowing the baby was due so close to the wedding date then you must be happy for them to bring the newborn with them. I've been to several child-free weddings where an exception has been made for very young babies since they won't be running around getting under anyone's feet, don't need to be catered for and can be easily taken out of the room if they start to make a noise during the ceremony/speeches etc.

Ponderingwindow · 17/01/2024 16:24

sockmuncher · 17/01/2024 16:07

Maybe she was expecting them to decline the invitation like any reasonable couple would do.

Show quote history

She should not have even invited them if she doesn’t accept that a mother and a 2 week old are a package deal.

WhatFlavourIsIt · 17/01/2024 16:24

@Tandora - Not necessarily smarty pants. Some women may feel up to going out for a few hours a couple weeks after birth.

MaggieFS · 17/01/2024 16:25

LetMeOut2021 · 17/01/2024 16:22

My DH’s friends had exactly the same rule at their wedding. I had a 2 week old, he was breastfeeding. Venue was a 2 hour drive, I didn’t have anyone willing to take my baby even if I’d have wanted them to. Had I have wanted to leave my baby I’d have had to leave him knowing he might not take a bottle.

Its absolutely cruel IMO to expect a Mother to leave a newborn out of anything other than free will.

My DH was asked to make a speech at the wedding and rushed there for the ceremony and rushed home to get back me, post c section with a toddler. I really resent his friends for it.

Babies have a totally different impact that toddlers - I would have happily sat out of the ceremony, as far as I was concerned I wasn’t welcome.

WTF? Surely if they were so bloody minded then DH should just have said no giving the speech?

PomegranateRose · 17/01/2024 16:25

YANBU and in fact they are for telling you what they have just decided they will be doing at an event you are presumably paying for rather than asking if you and your partner will have an exception for babies in arms, as some childfree weddings do.

I don't care what is "usually" made an exception for, if someone hasn't said "no children except babes in arms" or has only addressed invitations to the adults, you shouldn't assume anyone but those adults is invited, and should ask rather than "advise" of any alternatives or exceptions you might be hoping for. Assuming is just rude imo.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 17/01/2024 16:26

What were you expecting them to do with their newborn? I'd expect them to bring it. Do you not want them there?

ghlily · 17/01/2024 16:26

YABVU. What do you expect them to do with their baby? Or do you just not want them to attend?

InTheRainOnATrain · 17/01/2024 16:27

Obviously they’re not going to be leaving a newborn with a sitter but if you haven’t stated an exception for small babies and have explicitly said it’s adults only then they should have declined the invitation because it should be obvious that their baby is not invited. If they weren’t sure they should have messaged you to clarify. What they’ve done is actually really rude of them. That said, if they’re good friends, you’re willing to let the rudeness slide and you actually want them at your wedding then maybe you should maybe reconsider? Up to you how important they are to you!

Ger1atricMillennial · 17/01/2024 16:27

Wow, some emotive responses on here that using some words that probably best saved for dictators not someone just planning a wedding.

Are you concerned that other guests will be bothered about childcare, in my experience a lot of people understand there is a difference between a toddler and a 2 week old. - then its your party your rules.

If you do not want the baby, there (your party your rules) then it would be unreasonable to expect a PP mum to leave her baby at home.

LetMeOut2021 · 17/01/2024 16:27

In fact you’ve just reminded me how awful I felt being the guest in this scenario (I posted above too) so I’ve just gone and unfriended offending bride and groom from Facebook two years on 😂 clearly i hadn’t thought to at the time.

Tandora · 17/01/2024 16:30

WhatFlavourIsIt · 17/01/2024 16:24

@Tandora - Not necessarily smarty pants. Some women may feel up to going out for a few hours a couple weeks after birth.

you think that both parents would leave their 14 day old baby to attend a wedding. Okkkkk.

LetMeOut2021 · 17/01/2024 16:30

MaggieFS · 17/01/2024 16:25

WTF? Surely if they were so bloody minded then DH should just have said no giving the speech?

Show quote history

He didn’t feel he could - and he was asked quite last minute and really put on the spot. He drove for two hours, spent 90mins there to do his duty and left again.

DH is always the person wanting to do the right thing. He was really disappointed about the whole thing as he considered the groom a very close friend.