Children at wedding

[shrinkingbee]

We are having a wedding this year, child free, apart from our children.

We have many family and friends with young children who are sorting childcare which I understand is inconvenient but all are happy to do so.

We have one friend & wife, who are due a baby 2 weeks before the wedding. On their reply (addressed to both adults, and clearly specifying no children) they advised they'd be attending, leaving their older child at home but bringing their newborn with them as they will only be approx 14 days old.

AIBU in thinking no children means no children/babies/toddlers/teenagers?
Am I a complete cow for thinking we shouldn't be making exceptions for one couple?

Because they are not that close to you I think it's nervy to announce you'll bring a baby. In arms or not. If you want a childfree wedding there is nothing wrong with that.

Anyway point being - it’s NBU to have a childfree wedding without babies if that’s what you and partner are after. People can scream until they’re blue in the face about disrespect to mums or whatever but nobody is entitled to a place on a guest list. Weddings don’t revolve around random newborns.

Best to be clear with this couple now though, to avoid misunderstandings.

Ugh, this is monstrous. And even worse because you are actually a mother yourself. Just yuck.

I totally get you. I’d be livid if someone expected my DP to give a speech at their wedding 2 weeks after I’d given birth and excluded me/ baby. Total lack of respect for women as you say.

@Catsbreakfast is talking bollox. She’s obviously another person who thinks the world revolves around her and her wedding.

I too moo, and would call her to clarify that childfree also means ‘no babies’ I’ve personally never encountered the ‘babes in arms’ exception, so while it may exist it’s clearly best to not assume it always applies.

and no, YANBU.

So if she barely knows them and they are such trash in her and DP’s eyes , unworthy of basic consideration, why invite them to the wedding??? 🥴

"random newborns " , or in other words the babies of people that you consider friends enough to invite to your wedding.

'Human decency and respect for Mothers' 😂

Christ, get over yourself. Going to a wedding isn't a human right. Your preferences aren't more important than the bride and groom just because you happened to choose to have babies. You were denied a few vol-au-vents and a glass of warm cava, not the right to vote.

But they deprived me of my DH for the day

No, your DH chose to go. He could have said no. He was asked to do a speech, not required to do one by law.

You are complete cow (sorry, but you did ask and gave 2 options). Of course a newborn does not come under the "no children allowed rule ". And there is nothing for them to explain.That being said, it's your wedding, you clearly dislike these people, so just tell them they can't come.

I wouldn't want to spend any time, money and energy attend a wedding where I am not actually wanted.

OK. Weddings still don’t revolve around them though.

People are literally calling OP a monster and a cow for not prioritising someone else’s baby at the event she is organising and paying for.

That’s the level of entitlement I’m responding to.

(Yes, the guests’ lives don’t revolve around the wedding but, as always with these threads, it seems like B&G have accepted that. They’re not the ones calling other people a cow, anyway!)

I totally agree. You never invite with the assumption it will be declined. It is very rude.

She didn’t say she had a “human right” to attend the wedding FFS.

She just pointed out that it is the height of rudeness to ask someone to give a speech at your wedding and give zero considerations for his days’ old neonate and wife who’s just given birth/ had a major operation,

agreed, there is alot of projection here, the situation is worlds away from the OP.

It seems the OP invited this couple due to some social convention - perhaps they attended their wedding but have since grown apart, perhaps they are part of an old uni group of friends and didn't feel they could exclude these despite not being super close. Any which way, the OP doesn't have any strong feelings on their attendance.

This poster and her DH were put in a position where his attendance was very much pressured, which is unfair, especially given the travel time. However, the idea that the DH wasn't complicit in this choice is ludicrous.

No children rule doesn’t usually apply to newborn babies.
I think to enforce that means your friends won’t come, so depends how much you want them there.

'No children rule doesn’t usually apply to newborn babies'

It absolutely does apply to babies of any age, even if you use the twee phrase 'babes in arms'.

OP, you're absolutely fine. Tell them that a childfree wedding means childfree. Of course, it's very unlikely they will be able to attend, and that's a shame, but there we are. Please don't be pressured into backing down on this

Could not disagree more! It would be so much ruder to not invite them at all! Then the couple hear word of the wedding through mutual friends and wonder why they’ve been excluded especially if OP didn’t know their exact due date. And talk about patronising because it’s up to the couple with the new baby to make that decision, not the bride and groom. It’s highly likely that they wouldn’t come but it’s not a complete given. After all they may opt for one of them to go, or maybe they are bottle feeding and happy to leave baby with Grandma. Can’t imagine that applies to many people but I would never make assumption that they wouldn’t come and just not invite anyone. I had family from Australia I knew bloody well wouldn’t come but invited them anyway as it’s what you do isn’t it?!

Now op has to uninvite them. So rude! I would think anyone inviting me to something that soon post parturition obviously was inviting my baby. Or was an entitled cow imagining I would ditch a newborn for a party.
I would not be inviting anyone I was not prepared to host.

One of the reasons babies don't usually count in the no children rule is because they don't take up a seat and don't require a meal. That is of course if you are excluding DCs on a number basis only.

“Weddings don’t revolve around random newborns”

Allowing a newborn to attend does not equate to making the whole day revolve around them. They’re not going to insist on being plonked between the bride and groom or demand a seat on the top table 🤨

I would make an exception for babes in arms but they should ask not presume. I guess most child free weddings allow very young babies that cannot be left. If you don’t want that, let them know and they won’t come I assume

IMO the decent thing to do would have been to contact DH and say “Look I know you’ll have a newborn, we don’t want children at the wedding and so understand neither of you will be able to attend.”

What they actually did was say “No children, yes we know LetMeOut can’t come. Please can you do a speech, it would mean a lot
to me on my special day with you being my friend of over 20 years” yes it was DH’s choice and he tried to do the right thing by both me and his friend by attending for the bare minimum. But the travel time was significant.

Its OT but much to my amusement same friend had to drop out of a gathering when his own baby (and only child) was 4 months old because she had a cold. Apparently his wife had lost too much sleep to be left to manage that singular child for a day… Pot kettle sprung to mind.

Wow there are a lot of strong feelings on this matter!

It is clear to me that most people would automatically presume newborns are invited then - but even so I'd imagine a quick message to clarify if new baby is invited.

And I think if it was me, I'd appreciate the invite that I had not been forgotten about but decline myself and perhaps DP could attend. I certainly wouldn't presume that baby is also included without speaking to the couple first.

For PP asking, we have a team of Nannies to look after our children as well as us, their parents.

I am debating whether to reply to the message saying bring baby - it's fine as I'm sure they're no bother to anyone there. But didn't want to upset any other guests.

Thanks all

I wouldn’t (and didn’t) presume. My DH enquired as it was clear I’d have given birth when we did the dates.

You would have to be a complete arsehole to be upset about a baby of a few days old being held in its mother's arms.

I’m talking bollocks but you think it’s normal change the rules for a couple she’s met once. Get your head out of your arse 😂 and yes the wedding is, much to your surprise, about the people who get married. Who would have thought that. God people and their sense of entitlement.