Children at wedding

[shrinkingbee]

We are having a wedding this year, child free, apart from our children.

We have many family and friends with young children who are sorting childcare which I understand is inconvenient but all are happy to do so.

We have one friend & wife, who are due a baby 2 weeks before the wedding. On their reply (addressed to both adults, and clearly specifying no children) they advised they'd be attending, leaving their older child at home but bringing their newborn with them as they will only be approx 14 days old.

AIBU in thinking no children means no children/babies/toddlers/teenagers?
Am I a complete cow for thinking we shouldn't be making exceptions for one couple?

Gosh I didn't realise I'd have this many replies! And definitely not a troll...

I am new to wedding planning and hadn't really considered this issue to pop up. I just presumed that no children would literally mean no children, so was a little surprised when they told me they'd be bringing their newborn along.

I suppose I'd feel a lot better about it if they had explained the situation and asked if that would be a problem, rather than just told me the couple and newborn would be attending.

I don't particularly have a problem with the new baby attending, I think I'd just feel a bit bad for all other guests, going to big efforts to sort childcare and see other children there. Also a PP has mentioned, how old are babies deemed acceptable to bring without being invited, is 3/6/9 months a cut off point?

Thank you all for your replies it's certainly made me consider other opinions!

No way I'd expect a child free wedding accommodate my newborn. I'd politely decline and look after the baby myself at least for the ceremony. Could you invite them to the rest of the day? It's not your guests' day, it's yours. The main reason for not having kids at weddings is they can be unpredictable, noisy and a distraction. There's no guarantee a newborn will be quiet. They may well sleep/feed through the whole thing. Take your chances of you want, but my experience was barely being able to hear my husband make his vows due to a grouchy baby. I was quite upset and regretted allowing kids in the ceremony.

Cruel 🙄 come off it. It’s a wedding not a court summon. No one’s holding a gun to your head and say you must attend.

I'd say most people will fully understand another parent bringing their newborn. Personally, I'd have anything under 6 months as a no-brainer. Once past that they may be starting to take on some food etc.

Do you want them there? If you do, I'd be thrilled they were prepared to.go.to this effort to be there, and would look askance at anyone who didn't approve or understand.

I wouldn't wanna be Friends with anyone expecting me to leave my newborn baby at home to attend their boring wedding 😅

Since it's obviously impossible for them to come without the baby, I actually think you were really unkind inviting them at all. It's an invitation that isn't.

Arranging childcare for an older child is totally different to a newborn. I couldn’t have left either of my babies as they were both breastfed. It really pissed me off that there was an expectation I should introduce a bottle to satisfy some stupid arbitrary rule. Honestly I think it’s cruel to even suggest separating a new baby and Mother.

Id have happily left my toddler. I think the rule should be babe in arms.

If you bring your own children it’s not a strictly child free wedding anyway. Quite hypocritical of you to then deny a 2 week old.

No, but inviting me and not my new baby very much felt like I wasn’t invited at all. Especially when there was an expectation my DH attend to give a speech. I felt it was cruel. My DH’s close circle of friends were there and I felt very much excluded.

And I totally understand, an invite is exactly that. I'm not demanding they come but I thought it's just polite to send them both an invitation. I'm very aware Mum/Dad may not feel well enough or even want to attend with such a new baby which is fine too. I certainly wouldn't have felt great getting dressed up to the nines so soon after giving birth! 😂

So how does it work with your own kids if only your own are invited? Are they staying for the whole thing or just the day? Would they not appreciate some other kids to play with on the day?
To me that's the bit that is odd about this whole scenario. You have your own kids, so you know what it's like to be a parent. But you still say no kids, apart from ours.
I just don't get it.

What were you expecting them to do with a newborn baby? If you seriously can't tolerate a tiny baby at your wedding, you need to accept that they probably won't come.

I’ve been to loads of kid free weddings where newborns were allowed as standard. Newborn = probably anything less than 6 months i reckon.

Weddings i’ve been to since my kids were older and have been looked after during the wedding where there have been newborns i didn’t mind (as a guest) that a newborn was allowed but my kids weren’t, i understood. Equally I went to one or two weddings when my own kids were newborn and brought them. No one minded. Newborns tend to be quiet and easy.

Really op, you have children but it hadn’t occurred to you a friend might not be okay with leaving their 2 week old to come and celebrate you? Are people really this unaware? Totally fine for you to say no but most of us don’t think the friend is being rude at all.

“Explained the situation” 🥴🥴🥴 what did you need explaining about the fact that a two week old baby cannot be left at home while both parents go out partying?! You are a parent FFS. Literally no one at your wedding will think, “oh I had to arrange a sitter, why didn’t that woman whose baby is DAYS OLD do the same”, unless they are completely obtuse.
i really don’t understand what it is about weddings that turns people into complete arseholes.

Fair enough they could have asked. I think people can't win in this situation. To much Britishness worrying about offending and so on. These guys have taken the direct route and now at least you can clearly work out where you stand.

Ref the cut off, there's no fixed age, it depends on the ages of your guests' children. It's typically not that hard to work out in reality. As I said, we had two. One was five weeks and one was four months. I think the next youngest child was 11 months so it was easy to make the cut off between those two.

Six months is a handy rough guide because that's when most babies are weaned and start to need meals, a seat, make a mess and so on, rather than "simply" being milk fed.

@Tandora - well, it's not for everyone, but it's not impossible. My Mil babysat, my daughter, at about 3 wks old, so I could go to my sisters birthday party. I was gone around 4 hrs & had a great time. Baby was looked after. Did me the world of good.

Am I a complete cow for thinking we shouldn't be making exceptions for one couple?

Well, yeah!

You can't expect a newborn to be left with someone else - that's insanity. No children is one thing, a newborn baby who will either be held or asleep in a carseat is not going to disrupt your wedding.

I'm having a child free wedding and three babies are coming. I'd effectively be excluding the parents from the wedding if I barred the babies

I'm surprised that as you have children of your own that you expected a new mother to leave a 2 week old baby. If she is breastfeeding it is an absolute no. Surely you know this?

@Tandora we aren't actually that close to the couple at all. He's an old friend of my partners, I've met them once.

And 'explained the situation' I meant just say baby was due around then (as we didn't know when) and it might be tricky for them. Then I'm sure we could have come up with a solution.

The situation didn't need explaining it's totally self explanatory!

A bridezilla I think!

WTAF?

No a childfree wedding doesn't mean babies in arms are fine. A screaming child is probably part of what they are attempting to avoid - children. At. thier. wedding.

People need to chill out.

You are neither cruel, nor monstrous.

You invited them only by name.

I wouldn't assume that a babe in arms got a free pass, and if i had been invited to a child free wedding so close after birth, I'd have the decency to double check if a newborn was ok. They were rude for informing you, instead of asking you.

OP clearly doesn't expect them to drop off a newborn to a babysitter, she's aware that they won't be able to attend.

And it makes zero difference that she's a mother herself and that her children are going - they are her children.

Weddings which include children are absolute hell.

@kisstheblarney she could have been due in January or June I had no idea!

Definitely not a bridezilla- just wanted a mix of opinions and to know what the done thing is