To think my colleagues are being inconsiderate?

[Sophie2525]

I couldn’t make it work yesterday, my Dad usually has DD on a Tuesday, however he couldn’t take care of DD today as his Dad (my grandad) is very poorly, he needed to be with him. So I had no childcare.
I’m usually very reliable and try to cover shifts as much possible, even though it’s a struggle with childcare.
I explained the reason I couldn’t make it in, I work with just females, who give the impression they are kind but not one of them asked how my grandad is, I just got the impression they didn’t give a fuck.
Im now in the mindset I just don’t want to make effort with them unless it’s work relate. Am I being pathetic ?

Op hasn’t given enough detail really but I doubt you know the exact reasons for all your colleagues having a day off, or chase them up the next day about it? Particularly if it’s “childcare issues due to illness”.

I get the feeling you’re expecting everyone to be mind readers op.
They may be aware your childcare fell through or have heard that “grandad” was ill yesterday and assumed that referenced your dd’s grandad?

Its a little childish to plan giving them all the cold shoulder today and not talking to them. They might not know any details.

This is a bit like people who post “I’m A and E” on Facebook with no further details and then sulk when no one is worried sick and asking Are you Ok hun?

Op hasn’t given enough detail really but I doubt you know the exact reasons for all your colleagues having a day off, or chase them up the next day about it?

Of course not. I said "If colleagues share personal things then most of us respond." Thinking about it, it's not really most of us, but those that work closely together.

Sometimes it's best NOT to ask how someone is.....

It may upset the other person if their relative is very poorly.

I myself don't like to pry, unless that colleague is also a friend.

Fair enough. I expect if op did confide in a colleague on her break- I’m feeling wobbly today because I’m worried about my sick grandad, he had a stroke at the weekend” or whatever the details are, then she would get a sympathetic response.

It’s just expecting concerned comments from everyone after taking a day off and assuming they all know what’s going on?

They likely don't know.
They just know you couldn't make it to work.
They might know it's because of childcare.
But they probably don't know the reason behind that (ill grandfather).
If they do know your granddad is ill then yes, the polite/pleasant/kind thing to do is ask after him. However, everyone is busy with their own lives. You're being unreasonable to expect people you work with (not your mates) to ask after a man they've never met and likely don't even know is ill.

Seriously?? Yes noone gives a fuck about your granddad, for colleagues it’s pretty normal

That's a bit harsh @LimePi .

I would express condolences if a colleague went to a grandparents' funeral but I don't think I would express sympathy if they were off due to a childcare issue relating to a grandparent being unwell honestly. It just wouldn't really come onto my sympathy radar.

What kind of impact did you not making it in did it have on the colleagues who were working? Tbh, if your childcare falls through and they have to pick up the slack then it's understandable they weren't happy. Your issues with childcare shouldn't really have an impact on others.

I'd say that the vast majority of us who hear about the illness of someone we have never met, won't ever meet and is the elderly relation of a work colleague won't give it much more thought than 'oh that's sad' and then forget about it and carry on with your own life with it's own issues and timelines. It's not that you don't have sympathy, but unless this was a close family member or friend then you wouldn't necessarily text them. I'd personally feel a bit nosy and invasive if I did so and would wait until they returned to work to ask how they were. Not everyone likes being contacted when they are off work -most just like to concentrate on their grief/illness/trauma. I worked in HR for years and most staff would prefer not to be contacted when off with illness or bereavement unless it was by colleagues who were close personal friends. Sometimes it can seem a bit like being pestered about when you will come back, or digging for info even if that's not the case. I'm sure nobody meant to hurt your feelings and I bet they will ask how you are when you are back to work IF they know why you are off. I wouldn't ever disclose a reason for absence beyond the doors of HR/management unless the colleague asked me to (which has happened when the wife of a staff member died and he wanted to me to tell everyone).

I just got the impression they didn’t give a fuck.

I don't understand what exactly happened or what you expected? Did they say anything mean? Or did you expect them to fall over themselves empathising for you childcare issues?

Those women have problems of their own. They don't come into work to provide a crying shoulder. Unless they actually said anything mean, I don't see an issue.

And what is this expectation that, because I have a vagina, I have to not only care about my work and my family, I have to go over and above being an emotional support human for my colleagues?

I expect everyone to be polite and pleasant but we don't expect men to be extra nice and supportive do we?

Wow 😮 I’m against the grain. I would have definitely asked about your grandad… as would all of the people I worked with.

If you called in and explained to someone your childcare had failed and thus you couldn't come in I would not have expected them to tell anyone else why just that yij wouldn't be in.

Why would they even know about your grandad even if told her dad can't have her kid.

Why should they unless they are your particular friends? And when you first call they may be thinking more about how they are going to get the work done that they need to do rather than anything else.

Wow! Some of these replies are pretty harsh - glad I don’t work with you lot 🤣🤣🤣

I would absolutely ask after a colleagues ill relative or I would ask a colleague if everything was ok if they had unexpectedly been off. I’ve just always thought that is what a nice human being would do 🤷🏻‍♀️

This
They may not know. Or they may have been told that your dad couldn’t look after your kids.
There’s another layer to your absence. If you were off because YOU had to rush to your poorly grandad, it feels more personal to you. In your case, you couldn’t come in because your dad wasn’t able to look after your children because your grandad was poorly. It just feels less personal to you. I don’t know why, it just does!

And also, I wouldn’t message someone while they were away.

I think you are being a bit self-centred. You called to say you can't come into work. They were probably busy working and assuming it was nothing serious or you'd have said. Either way no I don't think they're so inconsiderate unless they are close friends and maybe even then other people have things in too.

I had some of my grandparents until mid 40s, that’s such a horrible thing to say, just because people know their grandparents will die does not mean it’s not extremely upsetting, wow

You coming on here saying something nasty to someone having a hard time is really pathetic

It must be a worry if your grandfather is seriously ill- perhaps you feel irrationally pissed off with your colleagues because of that. I think you’re overthinking their lack of reaction to be honest.

”Illness” is a vague descriptor. It can mean anything from a dr’s appointment for an earache or ingrown toenails tbf.

I don’t suppose they’ve all been pondering while you were off yesterday and feeling overly concerned- particularly if you’re taking days off due to childcare issues/ illness fairly frequently?
Unfortunately, Co workers’ sympathy can start to wane if “illness” of various family members is used every time.

If his health is likely to decline further (and your dad is likely to become primary carer?) then it’s imperative to seek alternative childcare.

Your colleagues will be concerned if it’s the type of job where they have to step in to cover absentee’s shifts, if this is going to be ongoing.

In short, I would be sympathetic and understanding of a colleague’s family emergency but less understanding and willing to cover if it became a pattern.

@RebelMoon

harsh but true

Say for example you work shifts in a care home. Your absence means a staff member has to stay and work a double shift.

If I was asked to do that on a few occasions for one member of staff, I think I’d struggle to be very sympathetic and think Well hang on, I didn’t take time off and make it public when my (insert family member) was very unwell, or my childcare had to cancel.

Its lovely if you all get along but problems might arise if you’re not being a “team player”.

Thats all a bit hypothetical though as you haven’t given much for posters to go on!

The lack of humanity and empathy on this thread is so depressing. But not unexpected maybe given the lack of empathy on display around the world post covid and during a COL crisis.

Anyway. No one is asking you miseries to bend over backwards for a colleague. A simple “sorry to hear about your grandad, hope he’s better now” and then onto your work is totally fine.