To think my colleagues are being inconsiderate?

[Sophie2525]

I couldn’t make it work yesterday, my Dad usually has DD on a Tuesday, however he couldn’t take care of DD today as his Dad (my grandad) is very poorly, he needed to be with him. So I had no childcare.
I’m usually very reliable and try to cover shifts as much possible, even though it’s a struggle with childcare.
I explained the reason I couldn’t make it in, I work with just females, who give the impression they are kind but not one of them asked how my grandad is, I just got the impression they didn’t give a fuck.
Im now in the mindset I just don’t want to make effort with them unless it’s work relate. Am I being pathetic ?

They all covered for you whilst you took a day off work at late notice, and you're upset they aren't all asking about your homelife. They are all probably busy with their minds on their jobs, I don't think you can be annoyed at work colleagues for not asking about your grandad. We all have so much going on in our own lives. It's unfair to expect people to constantly be invested in your private life. I've also seen people upset that colleagues don't ask about their kids, it's the last thing I've ever had my mind on in an office as I have my own life and job etc, it's not personal

Realistically they're probably too busy covering your workload to worry about your grandad, if they even know about it.

Why would they care about your grand dad? And even if they did ask it’s all lip service.

I wouldn't care either tbh, nor would I expect a colleague to care about my family or why I'm off work.

They are your colleagues, not your friends or family. They have their own stuff to deal with and probably don't have that much interest in your stuff other than how it impacts them if you don't turn up for work.

Honestly op, as you get older, you’ll realise how much people really don’t give a shit about each other, especially those you work with. I think this is a bit of a life lesson for you really and might show you never to have expectations of anyone’s response to you or your life.

If you were having an in-person chat with someone and mentioned your granddad was ill, I'd certainly expect them to say something along the lines of hoping he's better soon.

If they might or might not have heard this detail of your absence third hand from your manager, I wouldn't be expecting them to say anything. I'd be surprised if your manager gave that much detail - it isn't good practice to be in the habit of giving chapter and verse on absence reasons to the whole team, for confidentiality reasons.

Don't stop giving a fuck because of this - be your usual self - but perhaps reset your expectations, bearing in mind everyone has their own stuff going on and won't necessarily remember the details of a colleague's family member's illness.

Maybe they have Dads who are frail or ill? Yes, there is a hierarchy of concern. Serious illness in old age is not life shattering. You are not doing the caring for your grandad, your dad is. Women are not all going to be all girly concern and emoting just because of their sex or gender conditioning, even less so if they have been through a few of life’s normal ups and downs, they just get on with it and toughen up. They won’t want to know about your DC’s illness either just want to know whether you are in or not and how that may or may not affect their working day and the domestic workload they face.

Well you weren't off because your grandad was ill were you? You were off because you had no childcare, which is likely the reason that was given to your colleagues.

That said, reasons for absence are not usually provided to staff members.

How old are you?

I don't mean to be unkind but I would find it hard to care much about a colleagues grandad.
It's strange to me that people a) have, and b) are so close to their grandparents in adulthood but then again all 4 of mine died when I was a child.

How old is your dad? Is he generally fit healthy and able to look after your DD?
I did not like relying on my parents or MIL for childcare for work, as often something came up with them and they couldn't do it.

Do you have other options? Can you pay for childcare?

YABU . They’re work colleagues.

This is true . What is also true though is if I gave a shit about everyone’s grandad I would fall apart. We all have a lot going on in our lives , we can’t and don’t have to use our limited energy and time caring about everything and everyone .

I like my team and I would normally ask about personal things affecting them.

However, if I was your colleague it's quite possible that in this case I would have just heard "childcare issues" and didn't register the sick relative, or that I was simply caught up in something else and overlooked it.

If you'd said "grandad is much better now" I would instantly chip in and say "that's really good, what a scare for you, do you think it was one off?" etc etc.

Frankly not mentioning anything and judging your colleagues on their lack of proactive comments sounds like you playing some passive aggressive game. If you want to talk about your grandad then say something yourself!

It's a workplace though, people have to do extra work for you when you aren't there.
That pisses people off.

You’re

As in “you’re a horrible person”
HTH

They had to step up to cover your workload. Your extended family's health issues aren't going to be in the forefront of anyone else's mind.

If you're off because your child was ill, I expect someone would have asked after her. A grandparent? Not so much.

If I was your colleaugue all I'd retain was "childcare fell through so OP isn't in today." This would probably piss me off if it was a regular occurrence but as a one off, I wouldn't think any forther about it.

Did you expect all your colleagues to text you and ask you?

honestly you’re being over sensitive, work is work. Unless you have a super close connection and they’re friendships beyond the the workplace then let it go.

YABU there is no reason for them to ask. You sound high maintenance.

YABU for "females" they're women (or are they cats?)

And frankly? YABU for expecting them to care about your childcare falling through. You need plan b. And c. And d.

I had my DCs later in life. If any of my colleagues with kids had expected me not to mind about their childcare failures I'd have put them right. Now my DCs are grown up - same.

Same for me. I paid a childminder and we had 2 people who she recommended as backup.

Blimey, I feel fortunate to work in an environment where we think more of our colleagues than just brains/hands to do work.

Many fields of work can manage with a member of staff being off for one day unpredictably. In my field we have the 'must get done' stuff and then a bunch of other stuff which is done as and when. If someone is away then we might have to do more of the 'must get done' work, we certainly don't sit there simmering with the injustice of having to take care of someone else's work.

If colleagues share personal things then most of us respond.

I've always worked in such an environment. Right now, we are (nearly) all remote workers, pretty established in our professional lives, no one takes the piss, the work gets done, we have a great and very supportive boss and we all get on very well.

It's unreasonable to expect your colleagues to concern themselves about the health of an old man they have never met and are never likely to meet.

It's reasonable to expect them to be put out if they are lumbered with extra work at short notice. The fact that you couldn't help letting them down doesn't change that

Hope your granddad is okay. In the kindest way possible, I think people have so much going on in their lives that it doesn’t always really register for people- I don’t think it’s a vindictive or mean thing. My coworkers and I would talk about stuff like this and ask, however there’s only 5 of us and the nature of our work means we spend a lot of time in close proximity chatting so it’s a far different dynamic to office work I’d imagine. Maybe they’ll ask when you’re back at work? Either way I’d try to not let it bother you.

Really depends on the team dynamics. I’d def expect a ‘hope your grandad is ok now’ from the people I’ve worked with over the years. Did they definitely know?
A colleague of mine’s grandparent recently passed away and I messaged her to say I was sorry to hear that & asked if she was ok when she was next in. I think that’s pretty normal. We get on well but don’t socialise outside work.

It's not that they don't give a fuck, don't be silly. It won't even have registered to them beyond the fact that you are usually in on a Tues, but you weren't in yesterday. Your colleagues clearly don't spend as much time thinking about you and your family as you do.