To think my colleagues are being inconsiderate?

[Sophie2525]

I couldn’t make it work yesterday, my Dad usually has DD on a Tuesday, however he couldn’t take care of DD today as his Dad (my grandad) is very poorly, he needed to be with him. So I had no childcare.
I’m usually very reliable and try to cover shifts as much possible, even though it’s a struggle with childcare.
I explained the reason I couldn’t make it in, I work with just females, who give the impression they are kind but not one of them asked how my grandad is, I just got the impression they didn’t give a fuck.
Im now in the mindset I just don’t want to make effort with them unless it’s work relate. Am I being pathetic ?

I explained the reason I couldn’t make it in, I work with just females, who give the impression they are kind but not one of them asked how my grandad is, I just got the impression they didn’t give a fuck.

Why is their sex relevant? Do you think that their sex is relevant because you expect more from women? More care, emotional labour etc?

Anyhow. It seems as if they understood that you couldn´t come in and didn´t give you any grief. That is kind.

Asking about your grandfather´s health... Well:

1. They don´t know him, he´s a stranger to them. Why should they ask or care?
2. People´s health is personal and potentially quite sensitive.
3. They probably assumed that you would TELL them if there´s something you wanted to share. Much better than asking a potentially difficult question...

To be honest, if a colleague had 1 day off due to childcare falling through- ill relative- and they returned the next day as usual: I wouldn’t think it was anything serious at all.

In my experience there is an expectation that there are contingency plans that mean one parent isnt always off any time there's a childcare issue.

For starters that means both parents sharing the load - does your child's father cover half the days where the childcare goes to pot?

The second part is just being sensible - saving some of your holiday days so you have spare annual leave in case kids are ill etc.

The third part is doing what you can to give yourself back up options - introducing DC to a regular local babysitter who can fill in, befriending DC's friends parents and trading favours. The key here is to be willing to help others wherever you can, and you often find they are willing to help you in return. Eg i take one of my DC friends to an after school group that her parent struggles to manage. In return she's sometimes had my DC back to hers afterschool when my childminder was ill

I thought the thread would be about your work colleagues annoyed with your for taking a day off for childcare. Not because they didn't ask about your grandad. When I called up work to say I couldn't go in as my cousin died. (It was sudden and unexpected). My manager couldn't give a shit and went so when will you be back. No sorry for your loss or anything. They're not going to care about an elderly man that they don't know I'm afraid.

You asked the question, and the answer is yes, your pathetic.

Where I work, people wouldn’t be told “Fictional is off today because she has to look after her granddad”. They’d just be told I’m not in today and it would be considered intrusive to ask why. But if someone did tell me that a colleague was off to care for a family member, I’d probably forget.

I'm sorry to hear your grandad has been unwell and I hope he's on the road to recovery now. However, all that will have registered with your colleagues is that you couldn't come to work because you had no childcare. I wouldn't be too hard of them for not asking about grandad. Where I work (healthcare) when someone calls in, with short notice, saying they can't come in, for whatever reason, it is difficult to cover the shift, and we may usually to work short-staffed, which puts pressure on everyone.

If you work with a few other women and regular chat together in the staff room or whatever then it seems a bit daft to give everyone the silent treatment and sulk about this.

You could mention on your tea break that you’re feeling a bit fragile because you’re worried about your grandad? Im sure they’d be sympathetic.

Just expecting lots of fuss when you return after one day off is a bit much.

Everyone has stuff going on in their lives. They might have forgotten all about it or not know the details.

Where is your humanity?

The central dramas of your life are unlikely to be more than background noise to your colleagues.

Everyone needs a plan B for childcare. If you haven’t thought about your plan B, that’s on you.

When you say ‘inconsiderate’, I really don’t think you know what that means. No one is making your life more difficult at all. The reality is that things which matter to you will not matter to other people. It’s a good lesson to learn.

When my Dad died my colleagues were really kind and I really appreciated it.

This is mostly I think because many of them had been through a parent dying and understood how difficult it was.

I don't think a grandparent being ill would have got the same consideration.

OP, if you were to flip this around, would you have asked your colleagues how their family member was if they had missed a shift for similar reasons? Are you upset because you feel it’s a one-sided effort and they didn’t reciprocate? Or are you expecting more of them than you would put in yourself (in terms of showing sympathy etc)?

I agree with PP regarding childcare arrangements, if they are a struggle and causing you to miss your shift, you need to start looking into alternatives.

Yes, this tbh. I'd ask about an ill parent or child, but not a grandparent I don't think. We've dealt with ill and dying parents so a grandparent being that step removed doesn't make it seem like a big deal tbh unless I knew the grandparent was a defacto parent or something.

DH has taken time off when I was off sick but too sick to look after our toddler. When noro or flu goes through the house that's the way it is sometimes. He once took a day off pre kids when I had a UTI that made me faint, I wasn't safe to be at home alone.

Life happens.

I think your confusing workmates and mates.
Workmates are paid to spend time with you.
They are generaly just concerned about you coming to work and thats usualy where it stops

Also your reason for being off was a step away from your grandad. You weren't absent because you had to deal with your grandfather's illness. You were off because your father was dealing with it so wasn't available for childcare.

If the manager told your colleagues the reason for your absence (which they shouldn't) they will have said it was due to childcare problems, not to your GF's illness.

When my grandparents were dying I didn't even tell my colleagues, I assumed they wouldn't be that interested - and indeed I can't remember any of them every mentioning their own grandparents' state of health. I can remember some brief expressions of sympathy when I needed to take time off the funerals, but that was it. None of my colleagues were heartless types, rather the reverse.

You do need a Plan B and ideally C in place in relation to childcare.

I agree. So grateful for my lovely colleagues.

I also wondered why it mattered that they are women. Agree with the above.

Can you engage with the thread or give any more details?

If your colleagues are usually kind to you, it’s a small work place and you all show interest in each other’s lives, then it’s best to consider whats different this time, rather than deciding they’re all arseholes and you’re not speaking to them now.

I have zero interest in the relatives my colleagues have that don't live in their household. Like most people probably. I would probably ask how he was once you got back, but not before then. Were you expecting them to contact you specifically to ask after him?

How do you know all of your colleagues know? If I was to call in sick, I wouldn't expect all 40 odd of my work colleagues to know the reason, and nor should they. Unless its a work colleagues parents or children I wouldn't think to ask how their family were if they had a day off due to childcare reasons. I think you need to remember the pressure it may put on your colleagues when you call off sick, of course it can't be helped, but their most likely trying to get through their day with additional workload.

YABU for expecting more caring labour of women than you would of men. If you wouldn't criticise men for this behaviour don't criticise women for it