Husband wants to go for a show on our sons first birthday 🎉

[NoIdeaWhatImDoin]

Ok so long winded situation but in a nutshell
we have two kids, youngest is turning one in a month.
have had major issues between us which has left us with lots of baggage and husband not willing to see a therapist.
now he tells me that he wants to go for a concert with friends on the night of our sons first birthday. His rational being that “I don’t like birthday parties anyway” and “party will
be in the afternoon and im only going out at night”
I see this going as him waltzing off at 6pm and me being left to clean up and put two tired and hyped up kids to bed on a day that should be special.

have a history of being over sensitive about similar issues so just wanted to get an opinion on it
am I being dramatic when I get so upset by it?

Your child won't remember it's first birthday and by the time your husband leaves for the concert, the baby will be going to bed. I don't see the problem. He's there for the day.

Is this the only night he can go? I'd be annoyed if he had chosen it above other possible dates. But if he has no choice and it has to be that night for some reason, then I'd probably say ok.

I don’t think him going out in the evening after the party is unreasonable, but the way he went about it sounds a bit shit. He should’ve phrased it like ‘look, I know this isn’t the best time but I really love X and this is the only time they’re playing’ etc etc. Rather than ‘I don’t like parties anyway, bye!’

Ask him to pay a cleaner to come and clean up

Personally I'm not precious about celebrating DC birthdays on the actual day until they are 4 as they have little concept of time in that way.

Could you have the party a different day so he can be there and help, clear up etc etc

How ridiculous

I would guess a One year old's party to be in the afternoon, and very short - no more than 2 hours esp as the baby doesn't actually know what is happening and why.

So if daddy wants to go out in the evening - why not ?
I also guess baby will be in bed / going to bed by / around 7pm.

I don't really think it's a big deal if he goes out in the evening. You will have the day together for the baby's birthday. He won't remember his first birthday anyway.

If the party will be in the day surely he can still help you tidy and then go?

Yes the party might be over but as you say he gets to swan off and go out for the evening whilst you are left holding the fort, trying to tidy up and manage probably 2 tired and therefore grumpy/whiny children. It definitely doesn't seem very fair.

How hyped up can a 1 year old get ?

No, it’s fine. He’s there for the day, he’s going out in the evening. It’s not an issue.

It depends whether this concert is a big deal, his favourite band with his best mate, won't get this opportunity again etc etc, or whether it's just something he kind of fancies doing.

I would be very resentful if I'd put in all the legwork for the partyby mtseld, and I hadn't even enjoyed the party because I was busy making sure it all went OK (while husband has a lovely uninterrupted chat to a bunch of adults) and then I was left with putting cranky young kids to bed by myself, and clearing up all the chaos of the party by myself.

A one year olds party is just cake and a cup of tea surely?
It's not that hard to put 2 kids to bed by yourself for one night.
If its a gig he probably can't change the date.

Kids can be tired and grumpy any other day too. Can parents not book things just incase?

It’s likely more that you want him to want to be there the whole day. First birthdays are as much a celebration of the parents surviving the first year. My DH is a good dad but utterly unsentimental so he wouldn’t see this . Unless you’re having a very massive party I think you should let this one go.

Well on the one hand the baby won't remember, on the other hand why the fuck would be not be there on his child's birthday, he can go out any other night.

The baby will be in bed by then.

I’m assuming this is the final straw.

I disagree with most here and think it's unreasonable of him. Your son's first birthday is a milestone for all of you! This may sound precious but I wouldn't want to be sitting on the sofa alone after the kids had gone to bed on such a special day- DH and I opened a bottle of fizz and celebrated ourselves after the party

Wouldn’t bother me, it’s an afternoon thing and I don’t place much importance on first birthdays. But context and backstory makes a big difference - DH contributes hugely to the family so I encourage any sort of time just for him.

Also, I'd be resentful that he viewed the party as something he has to "endure", when (I'm assuming) he's not having anything to do with the organising? He should be appreciative towards you for sorting out the party, and he should want to support you when you're tired in the evening. It sounds a bit like he thinks you should be grateful to him for just showing up!

1. What size party are you having for a one year old that’s going to take a lot of clearing up?

2. Is it true he doesn’t like parties, as that would mean the party is for your benefit, so to an extent you should organize?

I think this isn’t really an issue in itself, though it’s always harder to navigate differences of opinion when things are tough already.

But OP's husband clearly doesn't want to sit down after the party and open a bottle of fizz once the kids are in bed. He wants to do something he likes, which is fine. He's not disrupting the party and he will still be spending the day with his son.

Your child is one
He'll be there in the afternoon
What would you be doing in the evening anyway?

I wonder, OP, if the problem isn’t so much that he isn’t going to help you tidy up, and more that you feel he doesn’t love your one year old and you enough to want to do this with you? Might that be why it’s so emotional?