Husband wants to go for a show on our sons first birthday 🎉

[NoIdeaWhatImDoin]

Ok so long winded situation but in a nutshell
we have two kids, youngest is turning one in a month.
have had major issues between us which has left us with lots of baggage and husband not willing to see a therapist.
now he tells me that he wants to go for a concert with friends on the night of our sons first birthday. His rational being that “I don’t like birthday parties anyway” and “party will
be in the afternoon and im only going out at night”
I see this going as him waltzing off at 6pm and me being left to clean up and put two tired and hyped up kids to bed on a day that should be special.

have a history of being over sensitive about similar issues so just wanted to get an opinion on it
am I being dramatic when I get so upset by it?

You both sound very unhappy. There doesn't sound like there is any love in your marriage, particularly if you were already planning on divorcing before second child came along. I think you need to divorce. The kids are young enough to adapt and will be happier, you and DH will be happier. There will be more damage done to you all by staying in this marriage.

If you were preparing to divorce before you found out about the pregnancy, let's face it, your relationship is dead already.

Adding a child heaps on more strain, not less.

Cut your losses and divorce, and make a new life in your new country.

You can hire someone to do pretty much anything.

And the OP might already have a cleaner who'd be happy to do an extra hour.

Let him go to his gig but he then does the clean up NOT you. Leave the mess for him.

Would it be reaching to assume he comes and goes as he pleases while you hold down a job, household and chores, kids and all the extra mental load that comes with managing a house, kids and twat husband?

If you keep doing it all then he will accept that as the norm and never meet you part way.

Tell him the gig sounds fun and of course he should go and that you appreciate that he will take care of the party clean up since he won't be there to help you afterwards. If he then doesn't do that after you have expressed yourself clearly, i'd be rethinking the marriage.

I agree that the first birthdays are much more about parents than about the child, and it isn't unreasonable that you would like to "celebrate" a parenting milestone, having a moment together when the children are asleep. For that him being there just for the afternoon isn't really enough.

Unfortunately it sounds your relationship now is far from ideal, he might be trying to avoid that kind of interactions.

You need to get aligned about how you see your current relationship and how much or little effort you both willing to make to make it somehow work.

I’d be cross. On my DC’s birthdays I usually raise a toast at the end of the day as a way of celebrating how long we’ve been a family as much as the occasion of the birthday. I reminisce about the day of the birth, little details come back to me, and the years since. Look at photos etc. Yes that’s what I like to do, not anyone else, but I would be disappointed if that whole part of a family day was blown off. Incidentally my DH spent most of one soft play party at the bar with another parent one year, including when the cake/singing happened. I was disgusted. And now we are separated!

Hahaha

Very. They might not be doing zoomies round the living room but they can certainly get over-stimulated, especially if lots of visitors

Why do you find it so bizarre that someone should support their spouse?

Babies first birthday parties are equally to celebrate the parents and the fact you got through it too in my opinion! It’s an important day emotionally for you both and some sort of celebration is deserved. I could maybe get on board with the gig if you were going to have some sort of special way of marking the occasion too later in the week perhaps. But otherwise I think he’s being a bit selfish and sexist that this should be your work.

Assuming it wasn’t his idea to throw a party for a 1 year old then you’re being a bit unfair. I doubt your 1 year old will be hyped up and difficult to get to sleep any more than any other night. Use paper plates and paper cups so it’s easy to clean up. Really not a big deal

@NoIdeaWhatImDoin

You're not being unreasonable - he's being a dick.

A one year olds birthday party is for you. Not the baby
I wouldn’t have a problem
but birthdays are no big deal in our house irrespective of age

If you force him to miss the concert, you are both going to sit in angry with each other. It’s not going to be a lovely evening! Let him go and see if you can get a girlfriend to come and be with you! I’ve been single for 5 years and birthday parties are still a nightmare to organise with the ex. Whatever you do, you can’t control him. Enjoy your DS by yourself - it’s not going to be some ‘perfect’ evening like when things were better, it’s got to be ‘different’ and you need to learn to enjoy that. I’d get on and organise the divorce too, you and your children will adapt and it is better to be on your own than in a loveless marriage. Xxx

I can see both sides, but ultimately; I think he sounds probably like a selfish man. I think most people would avoid their child’s birthday as a date to go out and do something that isn’t related to the birthday child. I get it, he thinks “it doesn’t matter because it’s the evening” but for me; I’d like to relax and celebrate the birth of my child with my partner that evening- it’s a sentimental day for many parents so I understand why it feels upsetting. The way he has responded to it sounds like he is emotionally immature and unable to consider why you want to be together on your child’s first birthday… even after the party. Sorry to say; but from experience, I spent 11 years trapped with a man like that and it doesn’t get better. He was always looking for how things could benefit him, how he could get away and plan things just for him, he would bend over backwards for friends and things he wanted to do, but anything family related…. He would be awkward as hell because it wasn’t what he really wanted to do deep down.

You are not being unreasonable . I disagree with most of the comments on here. A child's birthday is not just about the child. Its about family. I dont know what the other issues you have had are but sounds like this is the last straw for you, you feel dismissed and not considered and i agree with you. Its not about the birthday in itself, its about not being thought of. Sounds like you make all the effort, you need to have a think about what you want for the future. Your child is too young to realise at the moment but what about when hes not? Unhappy mummy means unhappy children ,. Having your feeling and needs dismissed will erode you over time, and it sounds like that time is now. As i say this is about much more than the birthday

The problem is that you’re applying ideals to a marriage that was already over before you fell pregnant. From your update, neither of you wants to be in the marriage but you’re ‘stuck’. Divorce is your best bet, as others have said no children want to grow up in a home with parents who hate each other.

In terms of the party, ultimately there would be an expectation that the evening would be a celebration for you as a couple that you’ve reached this milestone (like pp who mentioned opening a bottle of fizz) - but it’s understandable that he places no value on this as you’re not really a couple any more.

I would make your own plans for the following night so that the parenting split feels fair but I wouldn’t be able to be angry with him for not wanting to act as though he was happily married as you both agree you’re not.

Sorry you're in such a difficult set of circumstances. Thinking of you x

Have the party in the afternoon and leave the cleaning until the next day so you can do it together - or he can do the set up and you can split the duties that way.

You say things aren't good between you and he won't accept therapy. You have 2 small children. It must be very hard for you and this is just an example of you getting left with the work and him swanning off. Let him go to his show but he really needs to speak to you and address the issues between you. Avoiding it does nothing. I just had a small party for my son with his 4 cousins on the day before his 1st birthday as his father had to book into hospital at 4pm as he was having major surgery on the actual day. Made no difference to my son as he doesn't remember but we have the photos of him with the cake I made. Hope things work out for you but don't stress over the day, enjoy your baby's first birthday.

I totally get it and you’ve not even got him to talk to with a cup of tea or beer woteva you guys like lol and to reminisce over the past year together. Guys just don’t care the same. You wouldn’t have dreamt of doing that

You need to give more context. Does he do this often? Would he be ok if you wanted to do this?

Do you have children?? An overtired one year old can be hell.

“I don’t like birthday parties anyway” - is the shittest excuse ever from a parent. He sounds horribly self centred.What does he even mean? Just forget the child's birthday? Or don't even involve him?
It'ss not about what he likes, its about what the children like and at a young age, they like to think that birthdays are special. You are establishing traditions for both children.

I have fond memories of our little one's birthdays. I remember they just really enjoyed all the attention, the cake and candles and so did other siblings. I loved seeing them open their presents. It was really nice family time when everyone stopped what they were doing for a while to celebrate. They liked looking at the pictures when they were older and it prompted conversations about what they were like at that age.

Having said that I think PP's suggestions of having it on a different day when your DH can be available for his children and do some of the parenting work afterwards with you would be a reasonable compromise and then he could still go to his concert. It's probably going to be easier that way for you OP.

youve got more problems than this

you wer about to divorce but you became pregnant-it wont save your marriage and you shouldnt stay with someone because of dc

I don’t see a problem with it (my husband went to a rugby match on the evening of our son’s 4th birthday party, after the party had ended). It was fine with me. He did his fair share of prep for the party and I didn’t do all the cleaning up that evening and he did some the next morning while I had a lie in.

However, you said you have had problems lately, so it does depend on your history and how often things like this happen. If you’re feeling like he’s not pulling his weight in general, that might explain your reluctance and frustration.