Husband wants to go for a show on our sons first birthday 🎉

[NoIdeaWhatImDoin]

Ok so long winded situation but in a nutshell
we have two kids, youngest is turning one in a month.
have had major issues between us which has left us with lots of baggage and husband not willing to see a therapist.
now he tells me that he wants to go for a concert with friends on the night of our sons first birthday. His rational being that “I don’t like birthday parties anyway” and “party will
be in the afternoon and im only going out at night”
I see this going as him waltzing off at 6pm and me being left to clean up and put two tired and hyped up kids to bed on a day that should be special.

have a history of being over sensitive about similar issues so just wanted to get an opinion on it
am I being dramatic when I get so upset by it?

Contrary to the others, I'd be pretty annoyed about this. It's not about the clean up, but about making you the default parent who has to be present for the 'big days' while he can check out. Usually birthdays go on a bit, maybe a family party at dinner time after all the invited guests have left, or a day out with grandparents the next day, or getting up early for whatever the next morning. I imagine people would be put out about a mother running out the door to a gig on her baby's first birthday.

Unless it's like Elton John's fifth annual farewell tour and this act will never come around again, I think it's something that he could skip for the sake of being there for his baby's birthday, all of it, but just the party during the day, never mind helping to take some of the pressure off you in the evening by not leaving you with all the bath and bedtime to do yourself when you are probably burnt out from hosting a bloody kids party.

Concentrate on settling the kids ignore the mess he can help the following day

If it was just this then you would BU

but it clearly isn’t, so YANBU

Our dc’s first birthdays felt like milestones to us, and the special part was after the guests were gone home, dc in bed and it was just the two of us talking and reminiscing. It was less about the baby, and more about the year we’d just been through.

I’d be hurt by this too.

It's not a big deal if he wants to go out after the party. Why should the children be any more difficult to put to bed than on any other day?
A one year old won't have any concept of a birthday. Why not do the party on a different day, or have you already issued invites?

It's ridiculous because you can't simply 'ask a cleaner ' to come. Cleaners have regular hours. They will do a one off clean, but it's the whole house. You can't ask a cleaner to come and tidy up after a party.

This is us too! Wouldn't even cross our minds to do anything other than this.

It all sounds a but much. It's a one year old's 'party', not their wedding day. How much clearing up will there be?!

It sounds like neither of you actually want to be together in the first place, let alone sitting with fizz and reminiscing as PPs have suggested. I don't see what's wrong with him going out after.

My husband wanted to go out on the afternoon / evening of our first child’s first birthday. He reasoned that it doesn’t matter because baby won’t remember. Which is true. We did not have a party but grandparents stopped by throughout the day.

I said:

“I don’t want you to go out. Choose another day. The baby won’t remember but this is not a day for the baby and I would like you to be with me.”

He stayed in. We had a nice day and it has never been a thing since.

An acquaintance of mine had a similar issue - he wanted to go out the day of their toddler’s second birthday. She did not tell him how upset this made her. She agreed to it, seethed and silently cursed. He went out but lived to regret it. It still comes up in conversation now. She brings it up all the time. It is clearly something she can’t get over.

Moral of the story: don’t tell us - tell him.

To be honest I would be ok with this. I would expect that my husband would ask me rather than tell me he was going out and I’m sure he’d promise me a lie in the next day and tell me to leave the mess and he’d tackle it in the morning. But what time is the party?! A 1yos party would surely be finished by about 4 at the very very latest for everyone to get their kids home and fed? So 2 hours before he goes out for him to tidy and cook?

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel upset (it's understandable that you'd like him to stay in that night with you). However, I don't think his request is unreasonable either, concerts are on scheduled dates (so it's not just a random night out he's picked), and I'd use it as an excuse to get my family moving along at 6pm and then have a nice quiet evening myself.

Was going to say that it doesn't matter if he goes out as such but the issue is his attitude and this doesn't bode well for your relationship.

Then saw this update and it sounds like the relationship is doomed and you are just trying to keep the peace in which case I would rethink.

Your 1 year old doesn't care about a party - if it's causing stress maybe don't have one. Or have it in the morning - plenty of time to clear up and let kids calm down. Or have a different style of party that is less effort for you - go out somewhere for example.

If you really want the party and your husband doesn't, then it's up to you to deal with the fallout. If the party is a joint decision he should be doing his fair share of the clearing up etc

The child will be one and will have zero memory. Anything you do on this day is for you rather than the child I think. It's nice to celebrate it of course but it's hardly an all day event. I'd have no problem with my husband heading out that evening.

So many missing the point. It doesn't matter if the baby cares. You've got through the first year, and from the sound of it, with precious little help from him. He should be there to celebrate YOU.

I think to keep going in the most non-confrontational way possible you need to disengage and accept that you are 2 co-parents that due to circumstances have to live together. Then try to have some practical ground rules. Who takes kids to nursery when, who cooks on Monday, that sort of stuff.

I think the main source of your upset is that you are trying to save this relationship and he seems to have checked out. If that is the case, and you should talk about it so you are both clear, then it's best to work together to make life simple and have your emotional needs met outside of the relationship. Have you got friends who could 'replace' him?

Long term if you work towards an amicable divorce, once all visa and financial issues are settled, then I think these 'small' issues (like dismissing a kids birthday) won't seem so bad since you have a goal you are working towards that doesn't involve him.

You know your relationship issues are much bigger than this.

If you still cared for each other you would make it work and would tell him to go to the concert because you would want him to enjoy himself, and he would be similarly supportive of things you wanted to do. But because your relationship is dysfunctional you resent each other instead. If he goes you resent him, if he doesn't go he resents you.

There is no win here. So play whatever game you prefer.

You both have a joint and separate responsibility to sort it out before it damages your dc. If you can't jointly agree to try to fix your problems, then one of you needs to make the decision to leave.

If he’s there during the day, I don’t see an issue with this. You can ask him to help clear away before he leaves. It’s really hard to get concerts and very limited days that they are available… perhaps he could have the kids for an evening soon so that you can go out too?

I don't see an issue with him going out in the evening, he'll be there in the day and I can't see there be much cleaning up after a party for a 1 year old.

For those saying he can go out any other day - well, not necessarily if it's a one off event such as a gig in the area by a touring band that his friends are attending too - that's the sort of thing that can't just be rearranged for another time and the date it has fallen in is just unlucky.

Saying this - there are clearly other issues in your marriage and this is far from the main one - it's likely just adding to the fact you're not feeling very loved so it's understandable you're upset.

I don't think this is just about that day, it's everything else isn't it.

So to pp's saying - yes, all fine, he's there in the day, don't see an issue with it - I think that's harsh and short sighted. That may well be the case in a relationship that is working well, where both partners support each other and go out of their way for each other.

In this situation, it clearly doesn't feel ok to the op and my sense is that it's because things don't feel fair or equal every other day. So when it comes to this special day I could see why the op might actually want him to step up and be there, and not just leave her to it.

I thought 1st birthdays were for the parents. I don’t remember either of mine being particularly special.

I don’t think anyone can say . Really depends on the rest of your relationship if this is a pattern . You do all the childcare and make occasions special and he just does “him”
At the end of the day if your not happy nobody else can tell you to suck it up .

Have a think about your overall relationship ans And if it’s fair .

I don't understand the modern craze for making a fuss of a 1st birthday party. When I was that age, my mum just wheeled me into the garden in my pram, which I'm sure was perfectly lovely and much less stressful for me than a big occasion.

Must admit your post title had my mind boggling as to what the "sh..." would turn out to be!!! 😁

Waltz off...swan off...
Why can't DP's walk normally anymore?

Op make sure you get a night out soon in return, that's all I can say.

It’s not even the point that your child won’t remember blah blah blah it’s the principle of the matter. I would be pissed too

Um what now? He should stay in to celebrate his wife? 😧