Husband wants to go for a show on our sons first birthday 🎉

[NoIdeaWhatImDoin]

Ok so long winded situation but in a nutshell
we have two kids, youngest is turning one in a month.
have had major issues between us which has left us with lots of baggage and husband not willing to see a therapist.
now he tells me that he wants to go for a concert with friends on the night of our sons first birthday. His rational being that “I don’t like birthday parties anyway” and “party will
be in the afternoon and im only going out at night”
I see this going as him waltzing off at 6pm and me being left to clean up and put two tired and hyped up kids to bed on a day that should be special.

have a history of being over sensitive about similar issues so just wanted to get an opinion on it
am I being dramatic when I get so upset by it?

Extremely.
Especially with hyped up older sibling.

Make sure you go out leaving him uo hold the fort. Wind the kids up good and proper with lots of sugar in their systems.

Absolutely this. We didnt do parties till ours were 4 years old.

Your one year old won’t know it’s his birthday.

Cosyblankets · 16/01/2024 22:17

Your child is one
He'll be there in the afternoon
What would you be doing in the evening anyway?”

This, really.

I’d be really annoyed by this.
if it is the absolute only night he can go and he was aware it wasn’t the best thing to do and then did as much as he could before he left and made sure I had someone (eg my mum or MIL) to help me get the kids in bed and tidied up then yes.
otherwise a flat no with an argument about selfish behaviour and dad privilege.

that said, my husband did miss the party for my eldests 2nd birthday. He was military at the time so couldn’t be helped but we made sure we had lots of family round to celebrate and help with the kids.

Did you not even bother to give her the courtesy of reading her posts? They agreed to divorce, and have no affection for each other. They are only staying for the kids. She’s not complaining as she wants him to act like a partner and reminisce, she’s complains as she wants him to help tidy up and look after the kids.

I’m sorry but are all these people really saying it’s ok?
It’s not, your DH is being an A! Even if the children are in bed early, it’s your baby’s first birthday. You should both be there to celebrate for them even if they don’t remember it. I would then also celebrate yourselves together in the evening for making it a year.
If it was a one off concert he never has the chance of seeing again, I get it. But just for a standard one it’s pretty crappy.

I see this going as him waltzing off at 6pm and me being left to clean up and put two tired and hyped up kids to bed on a day that should be special.

Well quite.

I was thinking the same. The kids are going to crash and who says she has to clean up that night. Both do it the following day 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why? Otherwise he is assuming she will do it all. If he can't help, he can pay someone to do it.

Yup. That’s fair.

Let him go, it’s not a huge deal, just make sure you go out with your friends ( or spend the equivalent amount of money on yourself) some night in the near future

The kids birthdays have never stopped us doing other things on that day. Whether their actual birthday or the party. It doesn't take all day and I wouldn't stop him going for that reason.

If you think it's deliberate to get out of cleaning up and he's not bothered about the actual concert that's another matter

Ok, keeping this to the party only.

Who wants the party? What time is it running? By 6 pm I'd expect you to have finished, tidied and come home again so he'd be free to go out then. Will be be helping to organise etc beforehand?

Do you have kids ? What a stupid question

Oh please 🙄

We didn’t even have a party for our daughters first birthday, what’s the point?

I understand you feel he’s waltzing off but I think you are being over sensitive. Your child won’t even remember the day, let alone the fact it’s a birthday, and exactly how boisterous can a 1 year olds party be?

My partner went to the rugby while I did our daughter’s spa party this year. It was a hosted event (someone came in and did it) and not really necessary for both parents to be there. He helped tidy up when he came home and bought all the food before he went. No problem.

Crucial thing here for me is "major issues in relationship, DH not willing to go to therapy". He might perceive you as over sensitive, you might perceive him as not fully invested. Both viewpoints would be valid. But without proper communication and willingness to work on things, it won't improve. Is he in or is he out? Sounds like he's out - literally, hours after DC's first birthday party. I don't think you are being over sensitive at all, in that context.

@NoIdeaWhatImDoin can you make a plan to divide and conquer. I.e agree some things that he can take responsibility for and complete/clean up before he goes out.

1st birthdays are often over hyped the baby won’t really care but it’s a nostalgic time as parents.
if you are hosting then the responsibility shouldn’t fall on you.

It's incredible nearly 50% of mums here say it's totally fine that mums should be solely responsible for kids, birthdays, cleaning and bedtimes -- that's what it really means when you vote AIBU on this and claim this is a non-issue. It's a massive issue, not in as a single event but in combination with how men/dads usually behave (and how OPs hubby behaves).

He can pick any other night to go. If he can't, he can offer to organise the bday party on some other day. He should WANT to he there on his child's big day, to share it with his family. And he should WANT to make things bearable for his wife, not add to her stresses and burdens.
OP maybe consider a trial separation if this is how he always behaves? He doesn't much care about you unfortunately.

Or, nearly 59% of mums have gone out and done something themselves a child's birthday leaving Dad at home, and realise you can't just go to a concert with friends on ANY night.

Hubbys pretty immature and selfish and douchy for even considering it or bringing it up!!

at the very least he should’ve brought up the concert (who’s days are announced well in advance) and planned the party on a different day.

sorry you have to deal with this!

I think it's very poor form and speaks volumes, sorry OP.

Yabu for wanting a party for a 12 month old.
He's not being unreasonable.